Got Paraprosdokian...?

Reaganite Republican ^ | May 31. 2011 | Reaganite Republican

[Reaganite Republican]

Paraprosdokian (noun): Figure of speech in which the  latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected 

...frequently used in a humorous situation.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening... 
but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx

"If I could say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." —Winston Churchill

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." — Dorothy Parker

"(He's) a modest man... who has much to be modest about." —Winston Churchill

"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say when." —P. G. Wodehouse

"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." —Emo Phillips

"He was at his best when the going was good." —Alistair Cooke (on the Duke of Windsor)

"I haven't slept for two weeks... because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg

"There but for the grace of God—goes God." 
—Winston Churchill

A few more making the rounds of us commoners, then:

Do not argue with an idiot: he will just drag you down to his level- and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on my list. 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. 
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad..

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I didn't say it was your fault- I said I was blaming you.

Women will never achieve true equality with men until the day comes that they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman: but behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a fuzzy memory.

I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn't work that way:  So I stole a car, and asked for forgiveness...

You do not need a parachute to skydive- you only need a parachute to skydive more than once.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I used to be indecisive... but now I'm not so sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila!

Change is inevitable... except from a vending machine.

A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were...

You're never too old to learn something stupid!



More news/views/humor at Reaganite Republican...
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Wordnik   Thefreedictionary   h/t Bobbert

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. Why he was in my pajamas, I’ll never know..."

[Reaganite Republican]

HOW could I have left that one out...???

MY BAD! lol

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

Hey...we're all human, more or less. Oops, there' another one.

Groucho's line has gotta be in the top 5 one liners ever.

[Portcall24]

The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people’s “206’s”....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

[Mad Dawg]

Julia Roberts in “Mr. Wilson’s War”: Why does Congress always say one thing and do nothing?

Tom Hanks replies: Tradition,
I guess.

[JimRed]

At our weekly Irish session at a local pub, I am sometimes called upon to come up and sing a song or two. One week, seeing a number of new faces in the crowd, when I got to the mike I said “I had a few requests on the way up here...but I’m gonna sing anyway!”

8^)

[RichInOC]

Got Paraprosdokian...?

Hey, some of my best friends are Greek-Armenian.

[UCANSEE2]

BOOKMARK

[wolfpat]

Everything made by General Electric sucks....except their vacuum cleaners.

[Reaganite Republican]

roflmao x 100

[Reaganite Republican]

Thank you kindly, UCS2

[Reaganite Republican]

2 funny, and with the premium English humor angle to boot

[who_would_fardels_bear]

Well said.

[Publius6961]

Bookmark

[dcwusmc]

Bump