Posted on 10/23/2008 4:32:28 AM PDT by Loud Mime
Happy Birthday Johnny Carson
Perhaps we need some smiles this morning. Let us remember an entertainment immortal.
Carnac:
A. A triple and a double, catcher's and fielder's, and Dolly Parton
Q. Name two big hits, two big mitts.....and a famous country singer!
A: The Nestea Plunge.
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up?
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
A: Zippo Marx. Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.
A: Sis Boom Bah
Q: What sounds does an exploding sheep make?
A. Catch-22.
Q. What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."
A Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
A. Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q. Describe Sister Mary Kong.
A. Gatorade.
Q. What does an alligator get on welfare?
A. Bible belt.
Q. What holds up Pat Robertson's pants?
A. Milk and honey.
Q. What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
A. Ben Gay.
Q. Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
A. An unmarried woman.
Q. What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
A. Disjoint.
Q. What was dat hippie smoking?
A. The Laughing Policeman.
Q. What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
A. Dustin Hoffman.
Q. Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
A. Until he gets caught.
Q. How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A. Old wives tale.
Q. What do cannibals find hard to digest?
A. Shareholder.
Q. What did Sonny Bono used to be?
A. Skalliwags.
Q. What does your skalli do when it's happy?
Jokes:
Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today...."
"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"
"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." Source
Videos: The joke that brings no laughs
With Dyan Cannon. With Robert Blake and Burt Reynolds. It is the only Tonight Show I saw in person!
Thank You, Johnny!
ELAINE: No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don’t-mess-with-Johnny.”
JERRY: Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?
ELAINE: (Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?
ping
Hey, sheza mya birthaday tooa.
And my favorite with the great Jack Webb - how remarkable that they pulled this one off without a hitch. And who knew Jack Webb was such a comedian?!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4RIBhQIkII&NR=1
That copper clapper caper is up there with the baseball game; funny, clever and timeless.
I just heard Ed Ames on the Dennis Prager show with a fill in for Dennis a few days back. What a great voice Ed Ames has BTW. He’s a conservative. Supposedly, his appearance with the tomahawk and Johnny’s response, was the longest laugh getter in television history.
Johnny Carson - Ed Ames Tomahawk Incident
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gD0DV2vPNEQ
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