Based on Huge Porn Stash Recovered, CIA Believes UBL Acted Alone

The Borowitz Report ^ | May 13, 2011 | Andy Borowitz

[Attention Surplus Disorder]

Based on Huge Porn Stash Recovered, CIA Believes Bin Laden Acted Alone

Filth Disrupted Terror Plots, Spy Agency Says

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – After seizing an enormous cache of porn from his compound in Pakistan, the CIA said today that it now has a new theory about fallen al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

“It’s clear that Osama bin Laden acted alone,” said CIA director Leon Panetta. “And he spent most of his waking hours doing just that.”

Mr. Panetta siad there were still many unanswered questions about Mr. Bin Laden’s porn stash, “like how he kept it hidden with three wives in the house.”

As the CIA spent most of the week removing bin Laden’s porn stash, which weighed over nine metric tons, intelligence analysts said they would have to spend “many, many days” analyzing the trove to determine its true value.

Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, calls faded for the release of pictures of bin Laden, but there was increased pressure for the release of his extensive porn collection.

“I think we all have a right to have access to these materials,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “I’m just sorry that John Ensign isn’t around for this.”

As the revelations regarding bin Laden’s unquenchable porn appetite came to light, intelligence experts said that porn may have been America’s single most powerful weapon in disrupting terror plots.

“There’s no doubt about it,” CIA director Panetta said. “Porn has kept America safe.”

Experts said that this new assessment could result in a Congressional Medal of Honor for Jenna Jameson, who today was named Ambassador to Pakistan.

[JimRed]

Satire strikes again- had ME going!

[dljordan]

The people in charge of our government are disturbing.

[SERKIT]

[GOP Poet]

lol. good one!

[death2tyrants]

“And he spent most of his waking hours doing just that.”

He spelled 'wanking' wrong.

[bigheadfred]

BWAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

[COBOL2Java]

“It’s clear that Osama bin Laden acted alone,” said CIA director Leon Panetta. “And he spent most of his waking hours doing just that.”

"Wait...what?"

[mkmensinger]

I hear his vision wasn’t so good anymore.

[kittymyrib]

Oh...THAT kind of pornography. The really disturbing stuff was the video of him watching Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) on CSPAN. Now THAT was sick!

[Happy Rain]

So the terror master didn't expand his base of operations but was only into solo masterbasing.
Even with three wives.
Those girls had to be bored.
So why the heck didn't the lazy wenches do a little housework?
SEALS are used to cleanliness and orderliness—you have to be ready for any and all kinds of unwanted and uninvited company.
Indiana housewives have to put up with it now.

[albie]

Had to shave his palms before he got the heave ho.

[Happy Rain]

Think he had a Helen Thomas wall poster?

Oh no,I hope the FR HT stiffy slayers don't post her images now!

[TheOldLady]

DONATE

[Dixie Yooper]

As the CIA spent most of the week removing bin Laden’s porn stash, which weighed over nine metric tons

Larry Flynt would be envious.

[Dick Bachert]

The muzzies have a long history with these sorts of things:

A recent reexamination of history in the Middle East by a group of scholars seems to bear out Barack Obama’s comments concerning Muslim contributions to science and technology.
It is now known that in 1872, using a goat’s lower intestine, Muslims invented the condom.

In 1873 the British refined the concept by FIRST taking the intestine OUT of the goat.

[Libloather]

Jenna Jameson, who today was named Ambassador to Pakistan.

NEVER guilty?

[edzo4]

Top 10 porn titles in osamas collection

jihard

camel toes

halal hotties

islambad girls

goatback mountain

sleeping with the yememi

facial profiling

sinfidels

deep goat

debbie does dubai

[ncfool]

watching AIR CLAIRE oh my now that is nasty porn. even in Missouri it is not the show me porn.

[Big Horn]

Three or four wives and he chokes the chicken.