Posted on 06/15/2012 5:26:18 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Love it!
Good one.
Q: Do you know what they call “vote manipulation” in Chicago?
A: “Community Organizing”
My favorite one used on our daughter when she did not want to do something ....
There’s the hard way and there is my way. What’s your choice?
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
... I’m sorry...what did you ask me?
People born before 1946 were called The Silent and Powerful Generation.
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
- Y should I get a job?
- Y should I leave home and find my own place?
- Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
- Y should I clean my room?
- Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
- Y should I buy any food?
Original Chinese Proverb -
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
2012 Revision/update
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, a hundred weeks of unemployment, a forty ounce malt liquor, free drugs, Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democrat for life.
____
A wife comes home one day and catches her husband having sex with an escort. “How dare you!! Paying to have sex in our house!!”
The husband says ”Does that mean you want me to stop the cleaning service”
“What does that have to do with anything” the wife says.
The husband says, “Well that’s another thing you don’t do that I have to pay for!”
Best advice my dad ever gave me was - “Never trust a woman with a hyphenated last name.”
I’ve yet to see him proved wrong on this.
Guy goes to his doctor.
Doc: Look—you’ve got to stop masturbating.
Guy: Why?
Doc: So I can examine you.
And the corollary: run, run fast and far, when someone tells you what a good Christian they are.
A friend of mine in high school once told me this little gem of wisdom from his father (it was so good I remembered it all these years):
When you fall in love with a woman and think you want to marry her, close your eyes and visualize what she looks like first thing in the morning. Then ask yourself if you want to wake up to THAT for the rest of your life. If the answer is yes, then marry her.
Of course, Rodney Dangerfield had another take on getting married. He said, “Marry a woman who can cook. The sex will wear off but you’ll always be hungry.”
HAH! Forget Dad. Daughter brought her first boyfriend home to meet me the first time, I showed him my groupings. Later, she told me I’d scared him. I said he should be scared of me. :-) He was a nice kid. We got along great.
Ha !
I always remember a line from a teen movie my daughter watched ...
As the boy was going out the door with the guy’s daughter “Have her home by 11. (gets an eye roll from the punk). I’ve got a .45 and a shovel. No one will miss you.....”
Year after year, the girls beg him to let them date and he knows - from his own experience - what could happen to his darling girls. However, finally the girls and the mom wear him down. The girls are 18. So the dad says OK as long a the boys come in and introduce themselves. If he has one inkling of trouble however - the date is off!
The big night comes. His daughters look stunning and dad is a mess. The doorbell rings and Boy 1 introduces himself: I an Eddie. I am here for Betty and we are going out for spaghetti”.
“Hey! This guy is clever and looks like a clean cut kid” the dad thinks. This is not as bad as I thought.
Number 2 comes to the door: “ Hi, I am Bill. Is Jill ready for a walk up the hill?”. Again, the dad notes the cleverness and again wonders, “Why was I so concerned all these years???”
The door bell rings. The Dad is pretty relaxed by now. No 3 says, “Hi! I am Chuck............:
An elementary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.
“Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.
Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, “Moooo!”
“Very good, Cindie,” replied the teacher,” and what sound do sheep make?”
“Baaaa,” answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, “And what sound does a pig make?”
All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.
“Little Johnny, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes,” she encouraged.
He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, “Up against the wall and spread ‘em, you little thief!!”
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