(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

[Lucky9teen]

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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. U can't count your hair

2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out

Put your tongue back in fool.

10 THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU...

1) U are reading this.
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

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 The Presidential election in 2012 was too close to call.

Neither Mitt Romney nor Obama had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 p.m. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, Mitt Romney returned to the starting line and he had 10 fish. Soon Obama returned and had no fish.

Well, everyone assumed he was just having a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, the Democrats got together secretly and said, "I think that Mitt Romney is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow, don't bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."

The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish), the Democrats got together for the report of how the Republicans were cheating.

Obama said, "You are not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice!"

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There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us ***seniors*** a little clearer!

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A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, sales man... and so forth.

However, little Tyrone was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside.”

Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to try to get Obama re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of all the other kids."

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Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."

 St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you--you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says,"Well, they're gone."

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No!! The Pearly Gates."

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[Lucky9teen]

[21stCenturion]

IN !!!

[ShadowAce]

[RandallFlagg]

IBTP!!

[Lucky9teen]

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TIME FOR SOME


SUMMER


CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST

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[Twotone]

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

[BelegStrongbow]

LOL!

[exit82]

In before 10!

[r-q-tek86]

Top 10

[dead]

[Archer24]

In

[Twotone]

HOW OLDER GUYS PICK UP CHICKS

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making out, I thought, “Man, these Taser guns are well worth the money!”

[unique1]

Geez, Lucky - great job this week!

[Lucky9teen]

[Lucky9teen]

One day a woman’s husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t “anymore”.

No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together,
no more phone calls just to chat, no more “just one minute.”

Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say “I love you.”

So while we have it, it’s best we love it, care for it, fix it when it’s broken and heal it when it’s sick.

This is true for marriage.....And old cars... And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep — like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special.. And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a ‘keeper’ !

Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way...

Now it’s your turn to send this to all those people who are ‘keepers’ in your life.

Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?

Let every one of your friends know you love them.

Even if you think they don’t love you back.

And just in case I’m gone tomorrow:

Please vote against Obama...

[sockhead]

Church Ladies With Typewriters — again

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’
The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone
who doesn’t care much about you.

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Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow..

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to
our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered..

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The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing
in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
Congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 PM . Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church Please use large double door
at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new
campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’.

[JRios1968]

[JRios1968]

Bad day to be Tiger Woods' caddy:

[JRios1968]

Because I care for the health of my fellow FReepers!

[Lucky9teen]

For some reason I thought of you when I saw this: