Posted on 07/27/2012 5:38:33 PM PDT by mamelukesabre
Here's the scenario:
Mom and Dad come to visit. Dad is not doing so well. Dementia has set in very rapidly over the last year and he's barely functional now. You can still get meaningful dialog with him if you are patient, slow, and interrupt him when he goes off on strange tangents. But its easy to confuse him by talking fast or being even a tiny bit confrontational. Also you have to leave certain topics alone for awhile and come back later after he's had time to let it sink in. If he answers a question too soon his answer won't make sense. But if you ask it again a few minutes later he will have a sensible response.
Mom never had to make any decisions. Dad always took care of everything. Now that Dad can't do it all for her, Mom suddenly thinks she's a big boss and is bossing everyone around...even me. Problem is she's not very good at making decisions. She's 70 plus and its too late for her to learn. She makes all the wrong decisions and keeps on doing it one after another.
Here's what happened when they came to visit me
There is a wolf dog (1/4 wolf, half husky, 1/4 german shepherd) that lives about 1/8th mile from me. It gets loose from time to time because the owner doesn't give a damn. I know him and have talked to him. He thinks dog fights are just a fact of life and dogs just get loose once in awhile. I don't put up with dogs running loose. My dog gets punished when it leaves my property only by 20 feet, which is extremely rare because she gets tied up if outside for more than 5 minutes.
Anyway, my parents are visiting and my dog is outside with them. Here comes the damn wolf dog. It gets close to my property and my dog gives the warning. Growling, snarling, etc. I instantly start running to tackle my dog. The wolf dog growls back. My dog charges and makes a beeline for the wolf dog. I change directions and I bolt for my truck, grab my gun and head for the dog fight about to happen. My dog is old(about 10years)but in good health and 50 lbs and that wolf dog is well over 100 lbs and in prime condition and age. No way in hell I'm going to stand there and watch my dog get chewed into pieces and no way in hell I'm tackling a 100+ pound wolf dog bare handed.
Then guess what happens?
My idiot mother decides she's in charge and runs out to get between the dogs. She's old and weak and petite and maybe 140lbs and none of it muscle. So far the dogs are not touching each other. They are just threatening from a short distance. A standoff I guess. It's only been maybe 2 seconds though and one or the other will initiate an attack at any moment. I know my dog. She has a very bad temper and attacks strange dogs on her turf if given a chance. As I sprint passed my mother I rack the slide on my handgun to make sure I got a round in the chamber and turn on the laser sights...and then my mother starts screaming at me.
"don't you dare shoot your dog, she's a good dog!" and tries to grab my arm.
At this point I decide my mother is just about as senile as my poor old dad, except at least my dad knows he's senile and shuts his mouth when he doesn't know what is going on around him.
A neighbor saw the whole commotion same time I did and he was sprinting towards the dogs yelling and waiving his hands and threw a big rock at the wolf dog...hit it real good too. He's about 6'6 and has long arms to really get a rock moving good. The wolf dog spun around and yelped. My dog lunged. The wolf dog dodged the lunge without even trying but decided rocks plus 3 crazy screaming humans running at it was too much. It took off running. My dog took off after it. The wolf dog was fast and was gone in a flash. The neighbor and I chased down my dog. The neighbor was faster than I and brought my dog back to me. He and my dog know each other very well and get along great.
But then the arguing started when I got back to my lunatic mother. Bad arguing. I know I shouldn't be reacting like this to a little old lady that happens to be my mother but i can't stand her anymore. She is a complete arrogant fool ever since she started being the boss. I'm sick of watching her bully my dad over stupid meaningless issues. I'm actually contemplating moving in with them and getting power of attorney. Or maybe buying a new house and making them move in with me. My dad wouldn't like leaving his home though. They are both nuts. But I have my own life to live and I don't want to sacrifice it just yet.
I know what is making my mom nuts. It is not being taken care of anymore. She isn't handling being the boss so good. She isn't cut out for it.
I went throught two different versions of this with my parents: first with my Dad and then seven years later with Mums. Mums was harder by orders of magnitude.
I have no good advice only sympathy. Each case is different. I can tell you the good thing. If you do the right thing by them (which will not be easy) you will have a very powerful sense of satisfaction for the rest of your life.
If you can arrange to get powers of attorney it will be incredibly helpful down the road. Maybe you can devise some tactful way to get your Mom to start handling that as the “boss” - you know “for your Dad’s sake”.
I will pray that you find a way.
... my condolences. Your mom is dealing with extreme stress. People handle it different ways. She needs you more than ever. Prayers for you bud.
No advice, but you have my prayers.
Yes...and when they are dead and gone and I am all alone because I sacrificed my life for them...what good did I do? I get to die alone so that they got comfort from me which they were incapable of recognizing. Sounds like a brilliant plan. In fact, I think if I do that they will tell me I am a good son but an utter fool when they see me in the afterlife.
This is a possibility. And it is the only reason why I am considering taking over her stress from her. I would do it gladly if I think she will turn back to normal once I do.
12 Gauge with rock salt?
Wasp Spray?
I don’t think he would want to use either on his mother.
PLEASE...
Listen to the others on this thread who are encouraging you to indeed sacrifice your life for them. Will you end up alone? Probably. Will you regret it?
Nope.
If it helps... do what you can, not for your parents sake, but for yours. So you can feel morally superior. Rationalize all you want, but come up with a reason (any reason) to make that sacrifice.
I think that one is nail on the head. Especially with a generation that is very security oriented. We think of our weapons when someone mentions security. Security before these times was considered having ability to get needed things done, a place too live, and someone to be there with you till death do you part. They grew up in times that make todays economic woes seem trivial. They see the nightly news and add that to the failing health of a spouse and it's stress.
“This is a possibility. And it is the only reason why I am considering taking over her stress from her. I would do it gladly if I think she will turn back to normal once I do.”
Ah, she cared for you when you were helpless. She is, increasingly helpless as her world falls apart. It’s the way of life. Certainly not easy for you to watch or deal with...
Legal preparations, getting all of the money taken care of, what to do with me when I become too much, what to do with any insurance I have, how to divest of our little LLC, stuff like that.
I have already told him if he will get me an in-law house, I really will be happy with a recliner, bed, tv, computer, hobby/crochet supply room, and a little garden to putter around in. Oh, and if he will take me out to the craft stores from time to time.
If you are trying to convince me to have nothing to do with my parents, you are succeeding.
I have no blood offspring and at this point in my life it ain't gonna happen. I do have one I consider as my daughter though. I outlived my first wife who was called home when she was 23 and that was over 27 years ago. I was in my late 20's then. My second wife? Just after we met, got to kno each other fall in love & when we thought that we were going to get married and live happily ever after she went quad in a few hours time. That was 27 years ago. Against the odds against us we took the chance anyway. Odds are very likely I again will be alone one day. I've helped raise two kids one of which has nothing to do with us now.
The very answers you seek sometimes come from the most hopeless looking circumstances you can face and live through. As well so does the companionship derived from it in some cases. In my case? No regrets I'd do it again.
My prayers are with you, that you are comforted and enjoy where you are and have.
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your Mom...or what the relationship was like between your Mom and Dad.
But some women change personalities like magic if affection is expressed. You might try a bit of physical affection...a little (like holding of the hand now and then or light shoulder massage) or a lot (like a bear hug & kiss every day). Don't get me wrong. You may already be doing this or maybe your Mom is not the kind of lady who goes for it. But your Mom likely is struggling with fears about what's happening; some bits of consistent affection may help her be more peaceful.
My MIL had dementia so I understand a little of what you may be experiencing. Wishing you the very, very best.
My mom must have cheated, we are clearly brothers.
Good point. I guess it wasn’t so bad afterall.
I’ll pray for you the you, your mom, and your dad be aided in sorting out the changes of aging in a light, loving and cooperative way. You all are going through a difficult adjustment period. How does everyone act now that dad is no longer handling everything? It has to be worked out - talked about. New boundries have to be set.
You’ll be okay; just work things out for them right now as they did for you when you as you grew up. Your mom is probably under a lot of stress and this is the way she acts when that happens. When you open up communication with her, it will get better.
Thanks for venting.
Every time I dwell on my own problems, I read or hear of someone else’s, and find myself gratefull that at least I don't have to walk in their shoes.
Your neighbor who helped with the dogs is completely awesome. Tough situation with your mom; I don’t know any solutions for that scenario but completely understand the dog thing - it gets that protective adrenaline going and that is the worst time to get into an argument with anyone, no less your own mother. Adding you & your parents to my prayer list.
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