Posted on 12/28/2012 8:05:58 AM PST by SeekAndFind
Many have spent long hours wondering if a marriage is going to last, considering things like love, children, taxes, and the opinion of friends and professionals.
But the best and easiest answer may be this formula:
frequency of lovemaking minus frequency of quarrels
A positive difference predicts marital happiness, a negative one unhappiness.
The formula was derived from a series of studies in the 1970s.
One study of married students at University of Missouri-Kansas City found that 28 out of 30 self-described happy couples had sex more than they argued, while all 12 self-described unhappy couples argued more. These results were corroborated by a 1974 study by John Howard and Robyn Dawes, in which all 23 happy couples had a positive score and all 3 unhappy couples had a negative score.
(Excerpt) Read more at businessinsider.com ...
This is not a “formula that predicts success,” but a snapshot statistic that correlates with self-described happiness. I expect they’d find unmarried students would also characterize their relationships as “happy” if they featured sex more often than quarrels.
If they talked to non-students ... like, those people with jobs and bills? ... even in the same age range, I wonder what they would find.
In a related study on personal happiness they found that they could accurately predict happiness by measuring the frequency of smiling minus frequency of frowning.
The story does not say that the sex had to be with your spouse. Maybe that is a reason for increased arguments!
THAT is the key. Not lovemaking, and not arguments.
It is respect.
Without mutual respect, I don't believe you can have a happy marriage, no matter how many times you have intercourse or how many times you argue.
Some temperaments are naturally antagonistic to each other and some are naturally compatible. Two cholerics paired together will result in a situation where both are both going to try to boss the other around.
My wife and I are getting close to our fiftieth. I’ve got all bases covered. We respect each other, still get it on regularly, and rarely argue.
Exactly! Was wondering what the overall age of these “married students” were.
I have a co-worker who says when he and his wife fight they have “hall sex”.
As they pass each other in the hall he looks at her and says “F-— You!” She looks back at him and says “F-— You, Too!”
Thanks for the comment and link. :o)
Hahaha...great setting for an old joke!
A marriage can handle a lot of things, but disrespect is not one of them. I could not live with someone I disrespected.
Glad to hear you guys are hitting on all cylinders, no pun intended!
I think in the article, ‘having sex’ is a mutual, reciprocal thing. In former, less crude times it would have been described as ‘making love’.
Between Barkey and Boner, it is more of a pitcher-catcher thing. Like jail.
Celibate here and quarrel all the time. Still married and will be until death.
Beautiful! Congratulations to you both!
I once saw a tiny little article in a newspaper about a couple married 75 years. They were asked their secret of success.
The man said, "Always listen to your wife."
The woman said, "Neither of us tried to be the boss."
So sweet. And apparently, it worked.
That being the case, you might truly benefit by some classes in how to communicate more effectively. They helped me enormously to communicate with my spouse, my customers and my offspring. I learned ways to solve problems instead of laying blame, listen without commenting hurtfully, avoid unnecessary nitpicking, stay limited and focused on the current problem instead of throwing in the kitchen sink, and so much more.
Some of the courses I took were titled "Assertiveness Training", "Developing Emotional Intelligence, "How to Get Along with Difficult People", and "Parent Effectiveness Training."
Cannot stress enough how much they helped.
I read the link at the end of the your post and it may be true in a lot of cases, not all.
RE: Celibate here and quarrel all the time.
Why bother marrying in the first place?
My only marriage is like your second marriage. We started about 10-14 times a week, and now after 30 years and three kids, it's currently down to 5-7, I'm close to your age.
I've had friends whose marriages were like your first marriage, will similar final outcomes.
Guys, here's a clue: A woman who is deeply in love with you will also desire you. Second clue: if she's not willing to have a high enough frequency to keep you satisfied, if she's not willing to make an effort to make you happy, then she doesn't love you. If she's lost interest in sex with you, then divorce will follow, so you might as well talk to your lawyer now and make your plans.
Both. Oxytocin is a brain hormone which promotes feelings of bonding. Physical acts of affection increase oxytocin levels. Besides actual lovemaking, hugs, kisses, eye contact, and other affectionate acts help increase the hormone level.
No, we’re fine.
Maybe your comment will benefit someone else (quite possible).
I have Schizoid Personality Disorder and it is not considered amenable to change, even in intense psychotherapy, nor in the employ of psychopharmacology, nor do we (schizoids) desire change or feel discontent with the situation. This is called “schizoid unconcern”.
Have a Happy New Year!
P.S. Wife is not unhappy and we love each other. Neither of us would choose anyone else or split up. We have six grandkids (hers) over here now.
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