Posted on 05/01/2013 12:31:35 PM PDT by econjack
A guy is out walking in a field and spots a large hole in the ground. He walks over to it and peers over the edge. He can't see the bottom, so he looks around and spots a pebble. He tosses the pebble in the hole, cocks his head, and listens.
Nothing.
He looks around again, sees a large boulder, hefts it up and waddles over to the edge of the hole and heaves it it and cocks his head.
Nothing.
He looks around once more and spots a large railroad tie. With considerable effort, he drags it to the edge, stands it on end, and shoves it over the edge and cocks his head.
Nothing.
However, as he is listening, his peripheral vision notices motion on top of the hill and he looks up to see a goat running as fast as any four-legged animal he has ever seen. Suddenly, it hangs a hard right turn and comes racing down the hill at break-neck speed, barely giving the guy enough time to jump out of the way. As he does, the goat dives head-first into the hole. He cocks his head and listens.
Nothing.
Just then, a farmer comes up and asks: "Have you seen a goat around here?"
The guy responds: "He was up on that ridge and was running faster than anything I've ever seen and then he turned sharply to the right, raced down the hill, and dived into that hole over there."
The farmer said: "Impossible."
The guy said: "I'm not lying...full speed down the hill and dived into that hole!"
Farmer repeated: "Impossible. I had him chained to a railroad tie."
Too funny!!!!! Thanks for sharing
that is really funny!
My father’s favorite joke was: “Did you hear about the thrifty tomcat? Every night he put a little in the kitty.”
My favorite joke is: “Mama, Mama, why am I going around in circles? Shut up, kid, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”
A sick, sick joke.
I don’t think I’ll tell the “Buttered Corn” joke.
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and
accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.
“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.
“No, but I have,” replied the nurse.
Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!
Once a socialist, always a socialist.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'”
I’d get banned for posting the whole joke so here’s the punchline:
“With gums like that, who would?”
I love that gif.
Haven’t heard that one in a long time. :)
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "OK. Involuntary Muscle contractions. Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his buddies."
Never go to a doctor in SF. The doc tells his patient “it is time for your prostate check, drop trough and face the wall”. The doc snaps on gloves and begins, after placing his left hand on the patients shoulder the probing starts. During the probing, after a sort time, the patient realizes the doctors right hand is on his other shoulder! Run away!
“Long time.” Like 50+ years.
Just because this hit my inbox while I was reading yours...
Theater seats -
An old man lay sprawled
across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this,
he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man just groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m
going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old
disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied............”The balcony.”
That bad, huh?
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him."Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire marketing department and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!"
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said Bob.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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