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Childrens Books which never got published.
School Handout | 05/18/2004 | anonymous 9th gr. Eng. school teacher

Posted on 05/19/2004 3:25:49 AM PDT by pageonetoo

Childrens Books Which Never Got Published

Here’s a list of children’s book titles which for some reason or another that didn’t make it to your local book shop.

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad.

2. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad’s new wife Robert

4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book

6. The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking

. Katy Was So Bad Her Mummy Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go To Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up For Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. This Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs Electrical Outlet be Friends?

27. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Given to my daughter’s class by her 9th Grade English School teacher.


TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: emailjokes; humor
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My daughter brought this home... I submit it for comment, and any possible additions! There are a couple of good ones... this lady isn't afraid of controversy!
1 posted on 05/19/2004 3:25:49 AM PDT by pageonetoo
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To: pageonetoo

Nice comic relief, thanks!


2 posted on 05/19/2004 3:34:42 AM PDT by DeuceTraveler (Freedom is a never ending struggle)
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To: DeuceTraveler
I am in WV. The school teachers here are more conservative, as a group, than those we had in NC. There are many liberals floating about, here, though, and we are only 1.5 hours from DC. I like this lady.

I am glad you appreciated this, too. I was tired of reading the trash... I mean news!

3 posted on 05/19/2004 3:39:52 AM PDT by pageonetoo (rights, what Rights'. You're kidding, right? This is Amerika!)
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To: pageonetoo

"My daughter brought this home..."

You didn't say from where. Right now I'm thinking this is another attack on the basic family structure by the liberal democrats and the NEA.


4 posted on 05/19/2004 3:40:34 AM PDT by chainsaw (http://www.hanoi-john.org.)
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To: pageonetoo

29.) "It's Inoperable, Charlie Brown!"

30.) If You Give a Mouse a Quickie...


5 posted on 05/19/2004 3:40:40 AM PDT by KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle (I feel more and more like a revolted Charlton Heston, witnessing ape society for the very first time)
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To: pageonetoo

Clifford the Big Dead Dog: A Treatise on Logistics


6 posted on 05/19/2004 3:44:23 AM PDT by Physicist
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To: pageonetoo

"Hello, Satan? It's Me, Margaret"


7 posted on 05/19/2004 3:48:05 AM PDT by KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle (I feel more and more like a revolted Charlton Heston, witnessing ape society for the very first time)
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To: pageonetoo

Cyber-Sex and You: Fun things To Do In Chat Rooms.
Your Daddy Doesn't Love You Or Else He Wouldn't Have Left.


8 posted on 05/19/2004 3:51:26 AM PDT by Adder (Can we bring back stoning again? Please?)
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To: pageonetoo

"Why your Brother looks like the Mailman"


9 posted on 05/19/2004 3:53:50 AM PDT by JZoback
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To: pageonetoo
The Anais Nin Alphabet Book ("The Only Alphabet Where Every Letter Stands For 'Daddy'...")
10 posted on 05/19/2004 3:53:58 AM PDT by KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle (I feel more and more like a revolted Charlton Heston, witnessing ape society for the very first time)
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To: pageonetoo
Your Mommy spanks you to teach you right from wrong

Your principle spanks you to look up your skirt.

11 posted on 05/19/2004 4:06:58 AM PDT by DainBramage
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To: pageonetoo; hellinahandcart; Lil'freeper

This is funny!


12 posted on 05/19/2004 4:07:03 AM PDT by sauropod (Paleo-cons make better lovers)
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To: pageonetoo

Strangers have the best candy!


13 posted on 05/19/2004 4:10:24 AM PDT by Rebelbase
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To: pageonetoo

"It hurts when I pee, Charlie Brown!"


14 posted on 05/19/2004 4:13:14 AM PDT by LanPB01
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To: pageonetoo

LOL, these are good. I'll be passing this one around, and I don't do that too much.


15 posted on 05/19/2004 4:14:10 AM PDT by jocon307 (The dems don't get it, the American people do.)
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To: xsmommy

To quote an old Beatles tune...number nine...number nine...number nine...


16 posted on 05/19/2004 4:19:01 AM PDT by secret garden (One more day of school!)
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To: pageonetoo
Samurai Cat Goes To Hell
by Mark E. Rogers (Author)


Search inside this book
List Price: $13.95
Price: $11.16 & eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping on orders over $25. See details.
You Save: $2.79 (20%)
Availability: Usually ships within 24 hours
Only 5 left in stock--order soon (more on the way).


34 used & new from $1.95

Edition: Paperback

Customers who bought this book also bought:
From Booklist
Blood flows freely as Tomokato--Samurai Cat--and his nephew Shiro, still seeking revenge for their master's death, attack Genghis Khan and the Mongols. The puns flow freely, too: Tomokato uses Aim Toothpaste with Tartar Control to subdue Khan's troops--get the picture? When both cats are killed in the skirmish, Shiro is sent to hell because he watched a porn flick shortly before dying. Tomokato, though, is headed for heaven but takes a detour downward when he is commissioned by an angel to... read more
17 posted on 05/19/2004 4:40:46 AM PDT by BufordP (I'm Jimmy Valentine's Brother's brother)
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To: pageonetoo

Cheeky fun.

Not sure of an appropriate age kid!


18 posted on 05/19/2004 4:44:47 AM PDT by Quix (Choose this day whom U will serve: Shrillery & demonic goons or The King of Kings and Lord of Lords)
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To: pageonetoo

BTTT


19 posted on 05/19/2004 4:46:56 AM PDT by Drammach (The Wolves are at the Door... Hey, Kids! Your lunch is here!)
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To: pageonetoo

This is really funny for adults and I had gotten it in my inbox a while ago, but 9th grade!?!

I'm so glad I homeschool.


20 posted on 05/19/2004 4:49:07 AM PDT by netmilsmom (Supporting our troops, 5/27 - M59 & Old Van Dyke! Yoller if you see us!)
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To: pageonetoo

The Berenstain Bears: In the Woods We Go


21 posted on 05/19/2004 4:49:43 AM PDT by Fester Chugabrew
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To: pageonetoo

29. That TV is a priveledge, and not a right.


22 posted on 05/19/2004 4:50:32 AM PDT by Preachin' (Democrats are liars...)
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To: pageonetoo
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

Never published? Think again ;)

23 posted on 05/19/2004 4:52:58 AM PDT by general_re (Drive offensively - the life you save may be your own.)
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To: pageonetoo
A book that I like to buy for my friend's kids,

The American Boy's Handy Book: What to Do and How to Do It, by Daniel Carter Beard.

Always fun when they get to the chapter "Practical Taxidermy For Young Boys"
24 posted on 05/19/2004 4:53:04 AM PDT by WSGilcrest (The Three Boogitys)
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To: pageonetoo

Big Guns and How They Work
Peter and the Pea Shooter
Tricks for Kids
Bessie the Cow Pie
Fester's Big Book of Shenanigans
Children's Guide to the Internal Revenue Service


25 posted on 05/19/2004 4:55:08 AM PDT by Fester Chugabrew
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To: secret garden

i love them all!


26 posted on 05/19/2004 4:55:14 AM PDT by xsmommy
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To: pageonetoo

Chuck E. Cheeze Lives Under the Bed


27 posted on 05/19/2004 4:57:03 AM PDT by Fester Chugabrew
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To: Hegewisch Dupa

now that you have a child, here are some titles you need to bring home....; )


28 posted on 05/19/2004 5:02:40 AM PDT by xsmommy
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To: pageonetoo

The Story of Babar Streisand ,The Little Elephant


29 posted on 05/19/2004 5:06:17 AM PDT by COUNTrecount
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To: pageonetoo

I have seen this before and have always thought it was funny. However I am not sure it is appropriate for school. What was the subject matter being considered that prompted this to be passed out?


30 posted on 05/19/2004 5:09:04 AM PDT by Kerberos (Groups are inherently more immoral than individuals.)
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To: pageonetoo

I think #3 did make it.


31 posted on 05/19/2004 5:10:36 AM PDT by <1/1,000,000th%
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To: pageonetoo

Let's not forget some popular series books:

Trailer Park Tales: Mommy's First Boyfriend
Trailer Park Tales: Mommy's Second Boyfriend
Trailer Park Tales: Mommy's Third Boyfriend
Trailer Park Tales: Mommy's Fourth Boyfriend
Trailer Park Tales: Mommy's Fifth Boyfriend


32 posted on 05/19/2004 5:42:39 AM PDT by AmericanChef
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To: pageonetoo
A long time ago I wrote some verses for an artist friend who was putting together one of these so-called children's books. Here are the few I remember:

My daddy's car is really great,
It has a stick shift and V-8,
It's great for driving into town,
Or running little doggies down.

There is a stranger on our street,
He wears a raincoat, boots and hat,
When children see him standing there,
They must not ever stop to chat.

The day I squealed on Uncle Sid,
I told my Daddy what he did,
Now Uncle Sid is off the streets,
And no one ever brings me sweets.

And this little parody of Maurice Sendak:

In September, for a while,
I will be a Pedophile,
Luring children with my guile.
Luring once; luring twice;
Luring Chicken Soup with Rice.

33 posted on 05/19/2004 5:59:07 AM PDT by Agnes Heep (Solus cum sola non cogitabuntur orare pater noster)
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To: pageonetoo
3. Dad’s new wife Robert

If this one isn't published yet, I would be surprised.

34 posted on 05/19/2004 6:02:22 AM PDT by Planet
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To: sauropod

One more:

Daddy's .45 at Show and Tell.


35 posted on 05/19/2004 6:05:10 AM PDT by Rebelbase
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To: pageonetoo
I like the Dr Soose(sp) list which includes:

The Grinches ten inches.

36 posted on 05/19/2004 6:05:53 AM PDT by biblewonk (WELL I SPEAK LOUD, AND I CARRY A BIGGER STICK...AND I USE IT TOO.)
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To: pageonetoo
Peter Rabbit-Tank Killer
37 posted on 05/19/2004 6:18:02 AM PDT by Shooter 2.5 (Vote a Straight Republican Ballot. Rid the country of dems.)
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To: pageonetoo
Hot Dog! - The Fun Factory Tour

You Float My Boat (A Child's Guide to Bed-Wetting)

The Joy of Teenage Sex
All About Condoms (A popup book for teens)

38 posted on 05/19/2004 6:27:15 AM PDT by searchandrecovery (When privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privacy.)
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To: xsmommy

Strong anti-cat sentiment in the unpublishing world...


39 posted on 05/19/2004 7:10:45 AM PDT by Hegewisch Dupa
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To: Hegewisch Dupa

Hate 'em, personally : )


40 posted on 05/19/2004 7:11:12 AM PDT by xsmommy
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To: Hegewisch Dupa

i love the one Daddy Drinks Because You Cry....


41 posted on 05/19/2004 7:11:32 AM PDT by xsmommy
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To: xsmommy

No shock to me you're a dog person. I'm sure you quickly got used to getting jumped on and licked whenever you come home.


42 posted on 05/19/2004 7:13:18 AM PDT by Hegewisch Dupa
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To: Hegewisch Dupa

it is so funny you should mention that. since xshub is bringing xs2pup home from dog school these days, they arrive home together. just yesterday i asked why xshub didn't pounce on me on the couch and begin licking me, that xs2pup must like me better than he does!


43 posted on 05/19/2004 7:15:26 AM PDT by xsmommy
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To: pageonetoo
3. Dad’s new wife Robert

I heard that are going to use this one in Massachusetts.

44 posted on 05/19/2004 7:16:15 AM PDT by dfwgator (It's sad that the news media treats Michael Jackson better than our military.)
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To: Vic3O3; cavtrooper21

Ping for a good laugh!

Semper Fi


45 posted on 05/19/2004 7:16:55 AM PDT by dd5339 (Happiness is a full VM-II and a DEAD AND BURIED AWB!)
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To: pageonetoo

"Heather Has Two Mommies." Now there's a title you'll never see. (Hmm, what's that? Ohh. Nevermind.)


46 posted on 05/19/2004 7:19:37 AM PDT by dfwgator (It's sad that the news media treats Michael Jackson better than our military.)
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To: pageonetoo

Fun with Mommys Pills

You drove your Parents Apart

Find Daddys Bookmarks

Prizes Under the Sink

Tantrums for Toys

Playing Mom Against Dad

(this is fun)


47 posted on 05/19/2004 7:26:30 AM PDT by moodyskeptic (weekend warrior in the culture war)
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To: Shooter 2.5

Oh, that's hilarious! I've "cleaned it up" a little bit & sent it to several friends this morning. My sons fell out laughing. Thanks~


48 posted on 05/19/2004 8:00:07 AM PDT by condi2008 (Pro Libertate)
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To: pageonetoo
But Allah, I Don't Want to Blow Myself Up (All About Islam)

Beat or Be Beaten - How To Be a Bully

The Big Encyclopedia of Racial Slurs

Prison Visitation Activity Book

Sissy's Preggers Again!

49 posted on 05/19/2004 8:08:44 AM PDT by searchandrecovery (When privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privacy.)
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To: pageonetoo

How about It Takes A Village....To Rise Up in A Grassroots Campaign to Reinstate the Constitution.


50 posted on 05/19/2004 8:15:20 AM PDT by BSunday (Liberty lost is never regained - John Adams)
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