Posted on 06/06/2004 9:12:43 PM PDT by nuconvert
Kiss the eel and lay down your cheese
DAVE BARRY
Jun. 06, 2004
Be advised that a Poker Craze is sweeping the nation. Almost every night there are poker tournaments on television. And if you think that watching people play cards on television would be boring, I have three words for you: Correct-O-Mundo.
The problem is that there's not a lot of action in televised poker, where the most strenuous thing the players do is push small plastic chips a distance of about 15 inches. (Granted, this is more action than you see in televised golf.) To make matters worse, poker players do not betray any feelings, so most of the time what you have, visually, is a bunch of grim-faced guys sitting around a table, looking like a hemorrhoid support group. Most of the emotion is supplied by the TV commentators, who, in hushed, dramatic tones, say things like:
--``He's thinking about what to do here, Bob.''
--``You just know that, inside, he is churning with emotions, Bob.''
--``I'm sure glad I took powerful methamphetamines before this broadcast, Bob.''
The guys on TV are usually playing ''Texas Hold 'em,'' which is the hottest poker game at the moment, although there are many other popular variations of poker, including Seven Card Stud, Five Card Draw, Alabama Grope 'em, Omaha High Low, Iowa Bore 'em, Six Card High Low Medium Jacks Wild Stud Draw Go Fish, Cincinnati Lawn Flamingo, Florida Recount 'em, Kansas City Clam Enhancer, Arkansas Geld 'em, New Jersey Whack 'em, New York Kvetch 'em, Red Rover and Whist.
All these games are essentially the same: A person (or, in poker slang, ''dealer'') gives you some cards (''cards''), which you look at in a furtive manner (``sneaking a gander'') to see if you have a good hand (''bling bling'') after which you bet (or ''kiss the eel'') by placing money (''cheese'') into the pot (''marijuana''). This goes on until somebody (``not you'') wins, at which point all the losers express heartfelt congratulations in colorful slang terms.
Sounds like a lot of fun, right? Not to me, either. But as I say, poker is sweeping the nation, and so recently I decided to experience it first hand by going to the poker room at the Miccosukee Resort and Gaming casino, located west of Miami right next to the Everglades, which makes it one of the few casinos in the world where not only can you gamble -- excuse me, I mean ''game'' -- but also you can experience the excitement of knowing that you could be attacked by an alligator in the parking lot.
I've never played serious poker, so I took along a friend, Philippe Boets, who is an expert. Unfortunately, he's not an expert on poker: He is an expert on pétanque, an extremely French sport where you toss steel balls around, the object being to eventually stop and have lunch. Philippe is president of Pétanque America, which consists largely of Philippe. When I thought about a possible companion for my poker expedition, his name came immediately to mind because of a certain indefinable quality he has, which I would define as ``not having a real job.''
On the way to the casino, Philippe told me that the only poker game he has played is ''Indian poker,'' in which each player sticks a card onto his forehead, so that he can't see it, but all the other players can.
''Then what?'' I asked.
''I don't remember,'' Philippe said. ``There was a lot of rum.''
Things were much more serious in the casino poker room, where the tables were fully occupied by grim chip-pushing hemorrhoid-support groupers. There was a nice lady there, and Philippe and I asked her how we could get into a game. She asked if we knew how to play, and we said sure, we knew the basics, in the sense of being able to recognize most of the cards on sight. This did not satisfy her: She wanted to know if we knew the winning hands, and we had to admit that we did not. She told us, apologetically, that we would not be welcome in the games, because the groupers get upset when, in the midst of all the rapid-fire dealing and bluffing and betting, a novice player (or ''moron'') says something like: ``OK, does a flush beat a trump?''
So Philippe and I did not get to participate in the national Poker Craze. Instead, we went to the bar and participated in the national Beer Craze, after which we spent a couple of hours losing money at the slot machines. This is an unbelievably mindless activity. It's only a matter of time before it's huge on TV. (``She's pulling the handle again, Bob.'')
"Six Card High Low Medium Jacks Wild Stud Draw Go Fish"
I think I've actually played this game. It requires little poker knowledge, but lots of tequila.
Thanks for posting this, Dave Barry rocks!!!
I just re-read "Positivelu Fifth Street" by James McManus. A must for any poker afficionado.
Not as good as the Pulitzer Prize winning article on Professional Wrestling, but still very funny. Thanks for the laugh.
Oops, that's "Positively Fifth Street". :)
I remember long ago at a slumber party my mom taught all of us girls to play poker (on the condition that no-one tell their parents where they learned it). There was a game called Baseball where 3's and 9's are wild and anything that follows a 4 is wild but if another 4 is played then the wild card changes to the one that follows that 4. Got it?
There was also one called "Follow the Wild Queen" which I think involved changing wild cards, too.
My boys are poker fanatics. Me...I never played the game.
Sorry, FRiend - no suckers online tonight. ;-)
LOL...it's a true statement.
I and several colleagues play poker at least once a month. Our last game was last night. We played Baseball, but the variant we play allows you to buy another card if you draw a 4. Threes and Nines are wild, but you have to pay for them (10 for a 3, 20 for a 9, 25 for another card when you draw a 4). It gets pretty brutal.
There was also one called "Follow the Wild Queen" which I think involved changing wild cards, too.
We play that game as well, though mostly we just play Texas Hold'em. It's 7-card stud. Each player gets two "down" cards and share 5 "up" cards consecutively drawn on a 3-card flop, then a 1-card flop (called "Fourth Street") and the fifth-card flop (called "the River").
I didn't do too bad. Walked away with a piece of everyone else's money. : )
Poker and Chess!!! metaphors for life.
That's a remarkably accurate description of what seems to happen to me every time I play poker.
There are sharks among us my friends, and the ones I know always seem to be holding a full boat to my pair of 3s.
Sounds interesting. I haven't played Poker in a long time but when my parents played with a group of their friends, my mom used to win our lunch money for the week (long time ago). She was also lucky (so they claimed) at beating out all the guys in the football betting pool that my dad and his co-workers had going every week. She had the most winning picks of any of them.
Maybe you could talk them into trying a new variation, like the one the comedian Steven Wright mentioned. "I played Poker last night with a Tarot deck.. I got a full house but four people died."
LOL. I HAVE learned to put next week's lunch money way back in my wallet so I won't be tempted to use it to buy more chips after they clean me out.
.."I HAVE learned to put next week's lunch money way back in my wallet so I won't be tempted to use it to buy more chips after they clean me out."..
Sounds like a good plan. When I go shopping, I try to leave most of my money at home so I don't get sucked into spending it on stuff I don't need. Maybe if I could learn to win lots of money at Poker, I wouldn't need to worry about it.
I should visit that Mikosoukee Indian Casino Dave Barry mentioned - I've seen the billboards.
I lost my shirt on Smarty Jones, that is way, I am sitting here topless.
Yes, I used to play that at my ex-in-laws. It was a lot of fun, until my ex's mom and dad would start arguing about the rules, that is!
Sure as heck, even as I type this there is a poker game on ESPN2. Hold 'em is like a virus, it's killing off all other forms of poker.
~~"Yes, I used to play that at my ex-in-laws. It was a lot of fun, until my ex's mom and dad would start arguing about the rules, that is!"~~
Rules? There are rules? Nobody told me that.
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