Posted on 06/18/2004 7:01:21 AM PDT by leadpencil1
Earlier today, we dropped our daughter off at college. Like her brother before her, she went and grew up on us. And as I write, I'm sipping some single malt and feeling downright valedictory, even rueful about the passing of the Dad years. Sure, I've still got a role as their father. But it's just a bit-part now and, worse, doesn't include all the best stewardship stuff - sandwich-making, cleat-buying, locking the door behind them each night when they come home. Clearly, an era has ended.
And as usual, whenever a buzzer sounds, the competitor within wants a score. How'd I do? whispers the bottom-line lobe of my brain. Normally, I'm not much for self-criticism. I'm from the school of Reggie Jackson, who, when asked to describe his shortcomings, once confessed that yeah, okay, he probably did care too much. But somehow, my kids' leave-taking has cracked open my shell. Suddenly, I can see some areas of Daddy weakness.
Now, don't mistake me. My kids are damn lucky to have me. After all, there were no sirens or flashing lights in their childhood. Nor am I enjoined from crossing state lines. I hereby re-state my official position: they could have done worse in the father sweepstakes. Still, looking back, it's clear that they might have done better, too. If I could turn back time, here are some things I would have done differently, more or less.
1. I Would Have Packed the Car More Often
Some of my most vivid family memories are from on the road - midnight swimming at Disneyworld, hiking above the treeline as night swallowed Colorado. Sure, in part they stand out just because they were exceptions to the dailyness of our three-bedroom cape in New Jersey, and we saw new places. But for me, the appeal of traveling as a team isn't that it's broadening, but the exact opposite; it's sweetly narrowing. Somehow, when you're lifted out of your normal habitat, dropped into an unfamiliar place where nobody knows who the four of you are, you see your team with fresh eyes. Somehow, after a day at Colonel Wilson's Reptile Village, with all of you cuddled in two beds in the $39.95-a-night anonymity of motel America, watching some corny movie and eating pizza, you feel bound, not merely by DNA or circumstance, but by the memories you've made together. No passports or planning or piles of money required. Just go. Three days hiking in the nearest national park. A weekend trip to watch the Yanks play in Camden Yards. Just go.
2. I Would Have Tried To Spin Things Less
I'm a sunny guy, and so spent a lot of time reassuring my kids. They'd come home from 4th grade with a problem and I'd explain it away rather than really hearing it, understanding their anxiety. Bad plan. I'd sympathize more, manage reality less. That way they might confide in me more now without fear of being talked out of their feelings.
3. I Would Have Raised My Voice Less
If you ask me, most fathers of my generation don't shout enough. We try to reason with kids who have no concept of what's reasonable. I once heard a guy trying to coax his son off the roof of a Honda Odyssey, explaining why it wasn't safe to ride up there. "If Daddy had to stop short, you could fall off and get hurt, Brandon, and that would make Mommy and me sad." Yikes! Sometimes, yelling is better than building self-esteem. Consider this from psychiatrist Bruno Bettelheim: "We become most upset with our children when we see in them aspects of our own personalities of which we disapprove." Bullseye! I support Dad anger when kids have earned the wrath of a right-thinking man. But my wrath wasn't always the honest and true and helpful kind. Sometimes it was the whirlwind of my self-loathing. That wasn't fair and I'd take that back if I could. My hunch is that free-floating anger makes kids more timid than they otherwise might be.
4. I Would Have Put Up the Hoop Sooner
It's no snap to find common ground with kids. After all, a man's s filled with exotic sexual fantasies about Olivia in human resources, and a kid is fretting about being sucked down the bathtub drain. A basketball hoop in the driveway is a bridge across the gulf. It's hospitable to games of h-o-r-s-e with your 52-pound third-grader and to real contests with your teenage power forward. The beauty is that the court requires no conversation - which both fathers and kids hate. The shuffles and sounds of driveway basketball - the bonk of the rock on blacktop, the lope and ease of shoot and retrieve — are WD-40, loosening up everything and quieting the minds of both big boys and their kids.
(Excerpt) Read more at fitness.msn.com ...
Our first will be leaving this fall. Gulp!
In a previous generation the Dad would have said "Son, you better come down off that roof because you might get hurt - and I am not talking about falling off the car (as Dad rolls up his sleeves)"
I would have heard my Mom or Dad recite my full name slowly and sternly, and that would be it.
Yup. In my world, that was Dad introducing junior to reality! In fact, I experienced that reality when I jumped out of the jeep before Dad was finished parking it. The cuffing along the backside of my head helped me to do a wonderful one and a half forward gainer across the driveway!!
You can bet your bottom dollar I never again jumped from a moving vehicle (that my Dad was driving!).
Haha.. well my kid gets the same reason I was given as a child...
BECAUSE I SAID SO AND I'M YOUR FATHER.
What a beautiful article.
Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers out there in Freeper Land. :)
My daughters bought me a special gift, a quirt, normally use for recalcitrant horses. I had it hanging on a wall and merely had to look at it when they got nasty. I never once used it, nor would I have do so, but they always wondered, with nervous laughs how far they could push the envelope. One of them made it a point to see how far she could go to irritate me.
I knew full well i really had to run if i ever heard my middle name.
Thanks for posting this!!!!
Well I honestly can't complain, we have always had consistent limits with our son, both my wife and me, so he knows we do not threaten..... he is warned, and thats it. He knows if we threaten to do something or punish him we will do it.
Sure, he's like every other kid and pushes on the limits we set for him, but unlike the children of parents who just scream and threaten he knows if he goes to far what the result will be... and unlike all those parents that just scream and threaten, our kid actually behaves and acts as expected.
Love, Patience, Consistency and Discipline are the 4 major components of parenting IMHO... if you are missing ANY of the 4 your child will have issues and problems.... What amazes me how many people want to ignore the 3rd and 4th items and think that overproviding the first 2 will somehow make up for it.... Trust me, It won't.
I can count on maybe 1 hand the number of times I have had to spank my child, never in anger, and always with the understanding that he knows exactly why he is being punished. I never understood the "This will hurt me, more than it hurts you" when my parents would say that as a Child... but believe me, I learned it in spades the first time I knew I had to spank my son.
I can still recall his teary young face pleading not to be.. and how worked up he got himself trying to escape his fate. I forced myself through the 3 taps that certainly caused more stress on me, than on him... I left him there telling him to think about what he had done, reminded him I loved him, and left the room so that he would not see me break down.
I composed myself, returned a few minutes later, talked with him again about why he had to be punished, that I did not like having to do it, and reassured him that his mother and I love him more than he knows. Then I gave him a long deep consoling hug, as he snuggled himself into my lap and apologized and promised not to ever do it again and that he loved me and mommy too... Dispite his still sniffling nose, I think I got more consolation from that Hug than he did.
Doing what is right, is not always doing what is easy. I can say this though, he never did do it again.
Actually, some good stuff there. Cause for pause. Cause for wincing.
0c8
Dan
I have one left in the house (17). Having kids has been the greatest joy of my life. I was once told that the greatest compliment a person could give is to state that you would do it again if you could... I wish I could turn back the clock and do it again.(sniffle)
"10. I Would Have Been Alone With Each of My Kids More Often"
I'm a mom, and I have only one kid, but I grew up with two brothers. My parents always made this a priority, and I certainly recommend it. The times I spent alone with each of them are amoung my best memories of growing up. It really satisfies a kid's craving for undivided parental attention.
In fact, as it's father's day, I must esp. remember the many breakfast hours I spent with my dad, when we were the only two awake. I can say he taught me an awful lot about life during those casual conversations.
I think I need to keep a copy of this and read it every now and then....
Semper Fi
I'm sure everyone notices the BIG difference in their kid's behavior when they have them one on one. Somtimes it is hard to arrange, but well worth the effort. I just had dinner out with my 15 year old son last night, then we tossed the football around the yard. What a wonderful time!
You are a very fortunate man because you will have the opportunity to do what you would have done. You will find grandchildren so delightful you will wonder why you didn't have them first.
Thanks much.
Great doc.
Good for files and distribution to list and to students.
"...we dropped our daughter off at college. Like her brother before her, she went and grew up on us"
Yes the kids grow up and leave the nest - just like they're supposed to. Don't fret about it (our oldest son lives in L.A. and the younger one is in Brooklyn), if you did your job well they will know it and remember it, then they will hopefully pass on to their children the lessons you taught them.
I always felt the important things were; love; honesty, respect, caring, and sharing. The memories are great of them as children - I like the adult stage too - I just wish they lived closer.
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