Skip to comments.Morford: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya Lord? Bush here. I'm confused.
Posted on 07/14/2004 7:32:17 AM PDT by presidio9
Are you there, God? It's me, George W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me? It's about 8:00 pm and it's just after my last bubble bath of the day and here I am again, kneeling here in the Oval Office all by myself in my most favoritest PJs, the funny ones with the little M-1 tanks and baseball players all over them. I gots some problems, Lord.
Look, I've done everything you asked. I've been good. Haven't I?
I take the message to the people, don't I? I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that stuff up. Hell, I even believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin' evildoer-hatin' stuff myself.
And looky here! Look how much dough I induce those evangelical suckers to cough up into the coffers of the GOP (that's God's Own Party -- just for you, Lord!). Doesn't that cut me a little slack fer when I skip over the part where Jesus says "Blessed are the peacemakers?"
Or when he says to turn the other cheek? Or love thy enemies? Or when the Bible says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"? Or any of that other pointless pacifist hippie junk?
I mean, forgive me 'cuz I know your boy Jesus was great and all, but did he have the Carlysle Group breathing down his neck, screaming for more war profits? Did he have a million neat-o bombs at his instant disposal? Did he have Rummy scowling down his hawkish nose at him during naptime? No, he did not.
Look. I behave. I never have sex and I hate that sicko porno gay pagan naked sexual stuff, and to this day I'm damn proud that those disgustin' dildo thingies are still illegal in Texas.
Heck, I even want to change the freakin' U.S. Constitution to prevent them icky gays from ever gettin' legally married and thus soiling the precious institution of uptight heterosexual man-woman Christian marriage counseling. I want to codify right-wing homophobia, Lord! Don't that count for somethin'?
Hell, I'm a former raging alcoholic who stopped binge drinking years ago (I attributed it to you! Remember?) 'cuz I got so drunk I fell into a fever dream wherein I coulda swore I saw Jesus chattin' with Buddha and Shiva and Allah and Isis, and they was all sighing and shaking their heads and agreein' to send me back in the next life as a smelly tree fungus. And that can't be good.
Remember, Lord, back in the '00 debates when they asked me to name my favorite philosopher, and I said, "Jesus"? Remember how cheesy and obnoxious and cop-outy that was, given how Jesus was actually the Original Liberal and given how everyone knows I haven't read a single "real" philosopher of any note since they made me stand up in Philosophy 1A back at Yale and read a passage from that pagan homo Plato guy when I could barely focus due to all the gin? Wasn't that good?
(Excerpt) Read more at sfgate.com ...
What a hateful pr!ck. The author, not you.
And the point of this hit piece signifying nothing would be.....what exactly?
This is why Democrats are the clear Shrinking Minority within our Political System. All hat(e), no cattle.
Why in the blazes does this simpering idiot have a column?
I think it would be easier to explain super string theory than explain that one.
Must be on the period again.
Whoever wrote this has obviously never read the Bible. Or listened honestly and without prejudice to Bush. Or taken an unbiased look at what the forces of terrorism are trying to do and what they believe. Or studied history.
Basically, whoever wrote this is an idiot.
Becasue the San Francisco idiots litterally eat it up.
My thoughts exactly. Missy Morford is menstruating.
Uh, Morford, Bush can tell the in door from the out door, unlike you. So who is the confused one?
If you think thats hateful, just wait till Bush is re-elected. Morford will say worse things about Bush voters.
Because they had already made up the entertainer list of the last Kerry Hollywood fund raiser.
Better pray extra hard for Morford today.
Morford is the most limp wristed liberal writer I've run across to date. He probably has to have special wrist supports in order to be able to use a keyboard.
I thinked someone dipped Missy Morfords tampons in Bengay again.
Now I want to see their version lampooning homosexuals......
They did one of those too, right????? They aren't biased and bigoted against Christians, are they???????
I just don't think this stuff belongs here anymore. We're his only PR, and outside of SF, his only readers. [spit]
What a Clymer...
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