Skip to comments.Morford: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya Lord? Bush here. I'm confused.
Posted on 07/14/2004 7:32:17 AM PDT by presidio9
Are you there, God? It's me, George W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me? It's about 8:00 pm and it's just after my last bubble bath of the day and here I am again, kneeling here in the Oval Office all by myself in my most favoritest PJs, the funny ones with the little M-1 tanks and baseball players all over them. I gots some problems, Lord.
Look, I've done everything you asked. I've been good. Haven't I?
I take the message to the people, don't I? I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that stuff up. Hell, I even believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin' evildoer-hatin' stuff myself.
And looky here! Look how much dough I induce those evangelical suckers to cough up into the coffers of the GOP (that's God's Own Party -- just for you, Lord!). Doesn't that cut me a little slack fer when I skip over the part where Jesus says "Blessed are the peacemakers?"
Or when he says to turn the other cheek? Or love thy enemies? Or when the Bible says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"? Or any of that other pointless pacifist hippie junk?
I mean, forgive me 'cuz I know your boy Jesus was great and all, but did he have the Carlysle Group breathing down his neck, screaming for more war profits? Did he have a million neat-o bombs at his instant disposal? Did he have Rummy scowling down his hawkish nose at him during naptime? No, he did not.
Look. I behave. I never have sex and I hate that sicko porno gay pagan naked sexual stuff, and to this day I'm damn proud that those disgustin' dildo thingies are still illegal in Texas.
Heck, I even want to change the freakin' U.S. Constitution to prevent them icky gays from ever gettin' legally married and thus soiling the precious institution of uptight heterosexual man-woman Christian marriage counseling. I want to codify right-wing homophobia, Lord! Don't that count for somethin'?
Hell, I'm a former raging alcoholic who stopped binge drinking years ago (I attributed it to you! Remember?) 'cuz I got so drunk I fell into a fever dream wherein I coulda swore I saw Jesus chattin' with Buddha and Shiva and Allah and Isis, and they was all sighing and shaking their heads and agreein' to send me back in the next life as a smelly tree fungus. And that can't be good.
Remember, Lord, back in the '00 debates when they asked me to name my favorite philosopher, and I said, "Jesus"? Remember how cheesy and obnoxious and cop-outy that was, given how Jesus was actually the Original Liberal and given how everyone knows I haven't read a single "real" philosopher of any note since they made me stand up in Philosophy 1A back at Yale and read a passage from that pagan homo Plato guy when I could barely focus due to all the gin? Wasn't that good?
(Excerpt) Read more at sfgate.com ...
What a hateful pr!ck. The author, not you.
And the point of this hit piece signifying nothing would be.....what exactly?
This is why Democrats are the clear Shrinking Minority within our Political System. All hat(e), no cattle.
Why in the blazes does this simpering idiot have a column?
I think it would be easier to explain super string theory than explain that one.
Must be on the period again.
Whoever wrote this has obviously never read the Bible. Or listened honestly and without prejudice to Bush. Or taken an unbiased look at what the forces of terrorism are trying to do and what they believe. Or studied history.
Basically, whoever wrote this is an idiot.
Becasue the San Francisco idiots litterally eat it up.
My thoughts exactly. Missy Morford is menstruating.
Uh, Morford, Bush can tell the in door from the out door, unlike you. So who is the confused one?
If you think thats hateful, just wait till Bush is re-elected. Morford will say worse things about Bush voters.
Because they had already made up the entertainer list of the last Kerry Hollywood fund raiser.
Better pray extra hard for Morford today.
Morford is the most limp wristed liberal writer I've run across to date. He probably has to have special wrist supports in order to be able to use a keyboard.
I thinked someone dipped Missy Morfords tampons in Bengay again.
Now I want to see their version lampooning homosexuals......
They did one of those too, right????? They aren't biased and bigoted against Christians, are they???????
I just don't think this stuff belongs here anymore. We're his only PR, and outside of SF, his only readers. [spit]
What a Clymer...
Yep, the good citizens of San Fransisco have their priorities all squared away...
In Ms. Morford's case, I will make a happy exception. We need "quidnunc" to get off Steyn and Hanson and get on Morford.
Don't ever post this guy again without a Turd Alert....
I prayed for him and Ted Rall last night!
the sad thing: I know some folks who would probably nod their heads in solemn agreement with Morford.
the sadder thing: some of them would probably believe that this was actually written by Dubya if I told them it was.
the left's hateriotism has grown to absurd proportions.
it is like a brain tumor - it has displaced and strangled the higher functions in the heads of many on the left.
I've seen some pretty nasty stuff form this freak, but this one is over the line. I find it difficult to beleive that even such a rag as the SF Chronicle would allow this in their opinion section just for the reason of maintaining some trace of journalistic integrity.
Time to get back on the turnip truck, I guess.
He's getting a ring all to himself...
Morford is an example of someone who has been buggered too much, too often.
Morford is clearly jealous that he wasn't asked to fellate the entire DemonCratic fundraiser last weekend.
I suspect the Whoopi Goldberg train wreck is going to have these poseurs climbing out of the woodworks to get in their long-thought-out infantile jabs...
Carrying as much hate as Morford has, I actually feel sorry for his rotted, blackened soul.
They just don't get it, it's not about hate. How insulting to the President, The People, and mostly to God.
my professor last night was explaining the theoretic principles of the holographic universe.
I guess he was to chicken to try and explain irrational musings of Ms. Morford.
Sounds like something my former high school students would turn in to impress their liberal English teacher. It would have been lost on me, however.
Think about not posting any more of Moford's stuff. For the same reason that most of us would not spend $5 to see and revile Moore's "documentary," most of us should not be inflicted with spending five minutes, or even five seconds, with Moford's literary vomitus.
Morford is in for a big surprise when he finds out that God discriminates.
Morford's rantings are such that I see in him a very angry, confused person. It's clear his life is disappointing and very smallish, filled with chaos and hate.
This pleases me greatly.
I disagree, dear sir.
Think about the anger his writings cause the denizens of FR.
Then let us see if we can harness and direct that anger towards the attainment of a goal.
Even a strong wind can be useful, if harnessed. Let's change the wind!
Well, I see that Miss Morford has her knickers in a twist yet again.
Why am I not surprised?
(I tend to go with a theory I once read here on FR that Miss Morford actually has a raging crush on GWB, and is just ticked off that GWB doesn't like her back.)
Hello, God? It's me, Mark. All those years of psychedelic drugs and poopy-hole sex have finally turned my brain into quivering mush. Can You help me?
"-- most of us should not be inflicted with spending five minutes, or even five seconds, with Moford's literary vomitus."
"The right of American citizens to speak freely about their political leaders and would-be leaders, especially when elections are being conducted, is the very heart of the Constitution."
Yeah, then the bastards passed CFR.
This ain't your father's United States.
Could anyone possibly take him seriously?
Just more proof that today's battles really are between Good and Evil. I'm convinced that the main reason the Left and the Media hate Bush so much is that those who do Satan's work hate those who do God's work. Why else the no-holds-barred frenzy of late?
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