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Morford: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya Lord? Bush here. I'm confused.
San Francisco Chronicle ^ | Wednesday, July 14, 2004 | Mark Morford

Posted on 07/14/2004 7:32:17 AM PDT by presidio9

Are you there, God? It's me, George W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me? It's about 8:00 pm and it's just after my last bubble bath of the day and here I am again, kneeling here in the Oval Office all by myself in my most favoritest PJs, the funny ones with the little M-1 tanks and baseball players all over them. I gots some problems, Lord.

Look, I've done everything you asked. I've been good. Haven't I?

I take the message to the people, don't I? I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that stuff up. Hell, I even believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin' evildoer-hatin' stuff myself.

And looky here! Look how much dough I induce those evangelical suckers to cough up into the coffers of the GOP (that's God's Own Party -- just for you, Lord!). Doesn't that cut me a little slack fer when I skip over the part where Jesus says "Blessed are the peacemakers?"

Or when he says to turn the other cheek? Or love thy enemies? Or when the Bible says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"? Or any of that other pointless pacifist hippie junk?

I mean, forgive me 'cuz I know your boy Jesus was great and all, but did he have the Carlysle Group breathing down his neck, screaming for more war profits? Did he have a million neat-o bombs at his instant disposal? Did he have Rummy scowling down his hawkish nose at him during naptime? No, he did not.

Look. I behave. I never have sex and I hate that sicko porno gay pagan naked sexual stuff, and to this day I'm damn proud that those disgustin' dildo thingies are still illegal in Texas.

Heck, I even want to change the freakin' U.S. Constitution to prevent them icky gays from ever gettin' legally married and thus soiling the precious institution of uptight heterosexual man-woman Christian marriage counseling. I want to codify right-wing homophobia, Lord! Don't that count for somethin'?

Hell, I'm a former raging alcoholic who stopped binge drinking years ago (I attributed it to you! Remember?) 'cuz I got so drunk I fell into a fever dream wherein I coulda swore I saw Jesus chattin' with Buddha and Shiva and Allah and Isis, and they was all sighing and shaking their heads and agreein' to send me back in the next life as a smelly tree fungus. And that can't be good.

Remember, Lord, back in the '00 debates when they asked me to name my favorite philosopher, and I said, "Jesus"? Remember how cheesy and obnoxious and cop-outy that was, given how Jesus was actually the Original Liberal and given how everyone knows I haven't read a single "real" philosopher of any note since they made me stand up in Philosophy 1A back at Yale and read a passage from that pagan homo Plato guy when I could barely focus due to all the gin? Wasn't that good?

(Excerpt) Read more at sfgate.com ...


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Foreign Affairs; Government; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Philosophy; Politics/Elections; War on Terror
KEYWORDS: abomination; aidsdementia; aidsgayplague; antichristian; barebacker; bugchaser; bush; bushco; buttbuddy; dowdismoreofaman; eplurbissmokempot; eternaldamnation; everykneewillbow; formeranalvirgin; friendofdorothy; futureaidscase; gaypagan; genitalleft; giftgiver; godhatesfags; gop; hereandnowobsession; heterophobia; hideyergerbils; homophilic; homosexualagenda; idiotarian; ifeelprettyosopretty; ilikebutts; liberalbigot; mancrushonbush; moonbat; morebutts; morford; nihilist; pillowbiteragenda; pleasefucksafely; pms; praytheresnogodmark; raggotthegerbil; rearadmiral; rectalfixation; rectalherniasrock; republicans; rumpranger; sandinhisvagina; seemorebutts; syphilliticdementia; tunnelsausage
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1 posted on 07/14/2004 7:32:19 AM PDT by presidio9
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To: presidio9

What a hateful pr!ck. The author, not you.


2 posted on 07/14/2004 7:34:26 AM PDT by Space Wrangler
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To: presidio9

And the point of this hit piece signifying nothing would be.....what exactly?

This is why Democrats are the clear Shrinking Minority within our Political System. All hat(e), no cattle.


3 posted on 07/14/2004 7:34:48 AM PDT by Badeye ("The day you stop learning, is the day you begin dying")
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To: presidio9

Why in the blazes does this simpering idiot have a column?

I think it would be easier to explain super string theory than explain that one.


4 posted on 07/14/2004 7:35:31 AM PDT by stylin_geek (Koffi: 0, G.W. Bush: (I lost count))
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To: presidio9

Must be on the period again.


5 posted on 07/14/2004 7:35:54 AM PDT by cyborg
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To: presidio9

Whoever wrote this has obviously never read the Bible. Or listened honestly and without prejudice to Bush. Or taken an unbiased look at what the forces of terrorism are trying to do and what they believe. Or studied history.

Basically, whoever wrote this is an idiot.


6 posted on 07/14/2004 7:37:06 AM PDT by susiek
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To: Slings and Arrows; TheBigB; Constitution Day; martin_fierro; Tijeras_Slim; cyborg; dirtboy; ...

Morford Ping

7 posted on 07/14/2004 7:37:27 AM PDT by presidio9 (Islam Is As Islam Does)
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To: stylin_geek
Why in the blazes does this simpering idiot have a column?

Becasue the San Francisco idiots litterally eat it up.

8 posted on 07/14/2004 7:38:16 AM PDT by Dane (Trial lawyers are the tapeworms of a wealth creating society.)
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To: cyborg

My thoughts exactly. Missy Morford is menstruating.


9 posted on 07/14/2004 7:38:17 AM PDT by CholeraJoe (Party like a Rock Star! Flat-bellied Steeley-eyed killer since 1969.)
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To: presidio9
Bush here. I'm confused.

Uh, Morford, Bush can tell the in door from the out door, unlike you. So who is the confused one?

10 posted on 07/14/2004 7:38:55 AM PDT by dirtboy (John Kerry - Hillary without the fat ankles and the FBI files...)
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To: Space Wrangler

If you think thats hateful, just wait till Bush is re-elected. Morford will say worse things about Bush voters.


11 posted on 07/14/2004 7:39:13 AM PDT by finnman69 (cum puella incedit minore medio corpore sub quo manifestus globus, inflammare animos)
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To: presidio9
I live in San Francisco and I am so 'in tune' with the way life is!
These people are such arrogant jerks with no biblical or moral understanding or code. No wonder 33% of the population of that city is admitted homosexual or bi.
12 posted on 07/14/2004 7:39:49 AM PDT by Lowell (The voice from beyond the edge!)
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To: stylin_geek
Why in the blazes does this simpering idiot have a column?

Because they had already made up the entertainer list of the last Kerry Hollywood fund raiser.

13 posted on 07/14/2004 7:40:28 AM PDT by TC Rider (The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.)
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To: GodBlessRonaldReagan

Better pray extra hard for Morford today.


14 posted on 07/14/2004 7:40:50 AM PDT by presidio9 (Islam Is As Islam Does)
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To: Dane

Morford is the most limp wristed liberal writer I've run across to date. He probably has to have special wrist supports in order to be able to use a keyboard.


15 posted on 07/14/2004 7:41:43 AM PDT by stylin_geek (Koffi: 0, G.W. Bush: (I lost count))
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To: presidio9

I thinked someone dipped Missy Morfords tampons in Bengay again.


16 posted on 07/14/2004 7:41:50 AM PDT by TC Rider (The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.)
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To: presidio9
This is sooooo funny.....

Now I want to see their version lampooning homosexuals......

They did one of those too, right????? They aren't biased and bigoted against Christians, are they???????

17 posted on 07/14/2004 7:43:05 AM PDT by Onelifetogive
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To: presidio9
Whoopi Moford

18 posted on 07/14/2004 7:43:55 AM PDT by evets (God bless president George W. Bush)
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To: presidio9

I just don't think this stuff belongs here anymore. We're his only PR, and outside of SF, his only readers. [spit]


19 posted on 07/14/2004 7:44:00 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: TC Rider

What a Clymer...


20 posted on 07/14/2004 7:44:13 AM PDT by RockinRight (Liberalism IS the status quo)
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To: Lowell

Yep, the good citizens of San Fransisco have their priorities all squared away...

21 posted on 07/14/2004 7:44:56 AM PDT by presidio9 (Islam Is As Islam Does)
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To: presidio9
Thank Heavens some of this article excerpted. Normally, I hate excerpting.

In Ms. Morford's case, I will make a happy exception. We need "quidnunc" to get off Steyn and Hanson and get on Morford.

22 posted on 07/14/2004 7:45:55 AM PDT by Gritty ("Every performer tonight ... conveyed to you the heart and soul of our country"-John Kerry)
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To: presidio9
I wasted my precious vision for 10 seconds on this offal.

Don't ever post this guy again without a Turd Alert....

23 posted on 07/14/2004 7:48:21 AM PDT by freebilly (Vote Kerry-- A billion Muslims can't be wrong...)
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To: presidio9

I prayed for him and Ted Rall last night!


24 posted on 07/14/2004 7:48:53 AM PDT by GodBlessRonaldReagan (Count Petofi will not be denied!)
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To: presidio9
I take the message to the people, don't I? I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford

I wonder how much his mastery over the English language is going to count when he stands in the presence of the Almighty and has to explain words such as this?

Me thinks his butt-plug is in a little too tight.
25 posted on 07/14/2004 7:49:12 AM PDT by reagan_fanatic (Liberalism is the end result of too many people peeing in the gene pool.)
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To: presidio9

the sad thing: I know some folks who would probably nod their heads in solemn agreement with Morford.
the sadder thing: some of them would probably believe that this was actually written by Dubya if I told them it was.

the left's hateriotism has grown to absurd proportions.
it is like a brain tumor - it has displaced and strangled the higher functions in the heads of many on the left.


26 posted on 07/14/2004 7:49:56 AM PDT by King Prout (Viggo Bozodozeus is your friend... Viggo Bozodozeus deserves all trust... submit to Viggo Bozodozeus)
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To: presidio9
Wow.

I've seen some pretty nasty stuff form this freak, but this one is over the line. I find it difficult to beleive that even such a rag as the SF Chronicle would allow this in their opinion section just for the reason of maintaining some trace of journalistic integrity.

Time to get back on the turnip truck, I guess.

27 posted on 07/14/2004 7:52:36 AM PDT by AngryJawa (The Original Grumpy Gen-Xer)
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To: presidio9
This is what passes for humor in a real newspaper? Says a lot about the mentality of both the author and the editors. Gods gonna get them. LOL.
28 posted on 07/14/2004 7:53:46 AM PDT by dasein64 (America the beautiful-----Land of the free and home of the brave)
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To: presidio9

He's getting a ring all to himself...


29 posted on 07/14/2004 7:53:59 AM PDT by Rutles4Ever
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To: presidio9
Heave till you die of dehydration alert.


30 posted on 07/14/2004 7:54:23 AM PDT by Skooz (My Biography: Psalm 40:1-3)
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To: presidio9

Morford is an example of someone who has been buggered too much, too often.


31 posted on 07/14/2004 7:55:41 AM PDT by x1stcav (http://www.ronaldreaganmemorial.com/photo_gallery.asp)
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To: presidio9

Morford is clearly jealous that he wasn't asked to fellate the entire DemonCratic fundraiser last weekend.

I suspect the Whoopi Goldberg train wreck is going to have these poseurs climbing out of the woodworks to get in their long-thought-out infantile jabs...


32 posted on 07/14/2004 7:57:45 AM PDT by Rutles4Ever
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To: presidio9

Carrying as much hate as Morford has, I actually feel sorry for his rotted, blackened soul.


33 posted on 07/14/2004 7:58:25 AM PDT by DustyMoment (Repeal CFR NOW!!)
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To: presidio9

They just don't get it, it's not about hate. How insulting to the President, The People, and mostly to God.


34 posted on 07/14/2004 8:02:27 AM PDT by ThisLittleLightofMine
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To: stylin_geek

my professor last night was explaining the theoretic principles of the holographic universe.

I guess he was to chicken to try and explain irrational musings of Ms. Morford.


35 posted on 07/14/2004 8:02:42 AM PDT by Hammerhead
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To: presidio9
Free speech is alive and well in America, no matter how delusional that speech may be.
36 posted on 07/14/2004 8:03:07 AM PDT by spodefly (This post meets the minimum daily requirements for cynicism and irony.)
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To: presidio9
I appreciate Frau Morford highlighting the choice we have this November.
37 posted on 07/14/2004 8:06:01 AM PDT by atomicpossum (I give up! Entropy, you win!)
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To: presidio9

Sounds like something my former high school students would turn in to impress their liberal English teacher. It would have been lost on me, however.


38 posted on 07/14/2004 8:11:17 AM PDT by sarasota
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To: presidio9
Why do you bother to post the garbage of this bigoted rump ranger here on FreeRepublic? Maureen Dowd is probably the outer limits of bigoted morons whose "writings" are worth referring to to see what the enemy is up to. No matter how you define the line defining marginally useful in a negative sense, Moford is beyond it.

Think about not posting any more of Moford's stuff. For the same reason that most of us would not spend $5 to see and revile Moore's "documentary," most of us should not be inflicted with spending five minutes, or even five seconds, with Moford's literary vomitus.

Congressman Billybob

Latest column, "To the Supreme Court: I Quit"

39 posted on 07/14/2004 8:21:26 AM PDT by Congressman Billybob (www.ArmorforCongress.com Visit. Join. Help. Please.)
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To: presidio9

bttt


40 posted on 07/14/2004 8:24:03 AM PDT by expatguy (Fallujah Delenda Est!!)
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To: presidio9; All

Morford is in for a big surprise when he finds out that God discriminates.


41 posted on 07/14/2004 8:25:59 AM PDT by expatguy (Fallujah Delenda Est!!)
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To: presidio9

Morford's rantings are such that I see in him a very angry, confused person. It's clear his life is disappointing and very smallish, filled with chaos and hate.

This pleases me greatly.


42 posted on 07/14/2004 8:28:32 AM PDT by Lazamataz ("Stay well - Stay safe - Stay armed - Yorktown" -- harpseal)
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To: Congressman Billybob
Think about not posting any more of Moford's stuff. For the same reason that most of us would not spend $5 to see and revile Moore's "documentary," most of us should not be inflicted with spending five minutes, or even five seconds, with Moford's literary vomitus.

I disagree, dear sir.

Think about the anger his writings cause the denizens of FR.

Then let us see if we can harness and direct that anger towards the attainment of a goal.

Even a strong wind can be useful, if harnessed. Let's change the wind!

43 posted on 07/14/2004 8:31:03 AM PDT by Lazamataz ("Stay well - Stay safe - Stay armed - Yorktown" -- harpseal)
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To: presidio9

Well, I see that Miss Morford has her knickers in a twist yet again.

Why am I not surprised?

(I tend to go with a theory I once read here on FR that Miss Morford actually has a raging crush on GWB, and is just ticked off that GWB doesn't like her back.)


44 posted on 07/14/2004 8:32:27 AM PDT by small_l_libertarian
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To: kjenerette

...for reading.


45 posted on 07/14/2004 8:34:14 AM PDT by Van Jenerette (Our Republic - If we can Keep it!)
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To: presidio9

Hello, God? It's me, Mark. All those years of psychedelic drugs and poopy-hole sex have finally turned my brain into quivering mush. Can You help me?


46 posted on 07/14/2004 8:37:43 AM PDT by RichInOC (Why would any man have so little good taste or good judgment as to date within his own gender?)
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To: Congressman Billybob; Lazamataz

"-- most of us should not be inflicted with spending five minutes, or even five seconds, with Moford's literary vomitus."

Congressman Billybob


"The right of American citizens to speak freely about their political leaders and would-be leaders, especially when elections are being conducted, is the very heart of the Constitution."




47 posted on 07/14/2004 8:45:20 AM PDT by tpaine (No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of another. - T. Jefferson)
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To: tpaine
"The right of American citizens to speak freely about their political leaders and would-be leaders, especially when elections are being conducted, is the very heart of the Constitution."

Yeah, then the bastards passed CFR.

This ain't your father's United States.

48 posted on 07/14/2004 8:48:22 AM PDT by Lazamataz ("Stay well - Stay safe - Stay armed - Yorktown" -- harpseal)
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To: presidio9
Why is this idiot still employed?

Could anyone possibly take him seriously?

49 posted on 07/14/2004 8:51:20 AM PDT by SaveTheChief
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To: presidio9
I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that stuff up. Hell, I even believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin' evildoer-hatin' stuff myself.

Just more proof that today's battles really are between Good and Evil. I'm convinced that the main reason the Left and the Media hate Bush so much is that those who do Satan's work hate those who do God's work. Why else the no-holds-barred frenzy of late?

50 posted on 07/14/2004 8:51:30 AM PDT by trebb (Ain't God good . . .)
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