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Morford: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya Lord? Bush here. I'm confused.
San Francisco Chronicle ^ | Wednesday, July 14, 2004 | Mark Morford

Posted on 07/14/2004 7:32:17 AM PDT by presidio9

Are you there, God? It's me, George W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me? It's about 8:00 pm and it's just after my last bubble bath of the day and here I am again, kneeling here in the Oval Office all by myself in my most favoritest PJs, the funny ones with the little M-1 tanks and baseball players all over them. I gots some problems, Lord.

Look, I've done everything you asked. I've been good. Haven't I?

I take the message to the people, don't I? I spout that evangelical born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that stuff up. Hell, I even believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin' evildoer-hatin' stuff myself.

And looky here! Look how much dough I induce those evangelical suckers to cough up into the coffers of the GOP (that's God's Own Party -- just for you, Lord!). Doesn't that cut me a little slack fer when I skip over the part where Jesus says "Blessed are the peacemakers?"

Or when he says to turn the other cheek? Or love thy enemies? Or when the Bible says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"? Or any of that other pointless pacifist hippie junk?

I mean, forgive me 'cuz I know your boy Jesus was great and all, but did he have the Carlysle Group breathing down his neck, screaming for more war profits? Did he have a million neat-o bombs at his instant disposal? Did he have Rummy scowling down his hawkish nose at him during naptime? No, he did not.

Look. I behave. I never have sex and I hate that sicko porno gay pagan naked sexual stuff, and to this day I'm damn proud that those disgustin' dildo thingies are still illegal in Texas.

Heck, I even want to change the freakin' U.S. Constitution to prevent them icky gays from ever gettin' legally married and thus soiling the precious institution of uptight heterosexual man-woman Christian marriage counseling. I want to codify right-wing homophobia, Lord! Don't that count for somethin'?

Hell, I'm a former raging alcoholic who stopped binge drinking years ago (I attributed it to you! Remember?) 'cuz I got so drunk I fell into a fever dream wherein I coulda swore I saw Jesus chattin' with Buddha and Shiva and Allah and Isis, and they was all sighing and shaking their heads and agreein' to send me back in the next life as a smelly tree fungus. And that can't be good.

Remember, Lord, back in the '00 debates when they asked me to name my favorite philosopher, and I said, "Jesus"? Remember how cheesy and obnoxious and cop-outy that was, given how Jesus was actually the Original Liberal and given how everyone knows I haven't read a single "real" philosopher of any note since they made me stand up in Philosophy 1A back at Yale and read a passage from that pagan homo Plato guy when I could barely focus due to all the gin? Wasn't that good?

(Excerpt) Read more at sfgate.com ...


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Foreign Affairs; Government; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Philosophy; Politics/Elections; War on Terror
KEYWORDS: abomination; aidsdementia; aidsgayplague; antichristian; barebacker; bugchaser; bush; bushco; buttbuddy; dowdismoreofaman; eplurbissmokempot; eternaldamnation; everykneewillbow; formeranalvirgin; friendofdorothy; futureaidscase; gaypagan; genitalleft; giftgiver; godhatesfags; gop; hereandnowobsession; heterophobia; hideyergerbils; homophilic; homosexualagenda; idiotarian; ifeelprettyosopretty; ilikebutts; liberalbigot; mancrushonbush; moonbat; morebutts; morford; nihilist; pillowbiteragenda; pleasefucksafely; pms; praytheresnogodmark; raggotthegerbil; rearadmiral; rectalfixation; rectalherniasrock; republicans; rumpranger; sandinhisvagina; seemorebutts; syphilliticdementia; tunnelsausage
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1 posted on 07/14/2004 7:32:19 AM PDT by presidio9
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To: presidio9

What a hateful pr!ck. The author, not you.


2 posted on 07/14/2004 7:34:26 AM PDT by Space Wrangler
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To: presidio9

And the point of this hit piece signifying nothing would be.....what exactly?

This is why Democrats are the clear Shrinking Minority within our Political System. All hat(e), no cattle.


3 posted on 07/14/2004 7:34:48 AM PDT by Badeye ("The day you stop learning, is the day you begin dying")
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To: presidio9

Why in the blazes does this simpering idiot have a column?

I think it would be easier to explain super string theory than explain that one.


4 posted on 07/14/2004 7:35:31 AM PDT by stylin_geek (Koffi: 0, G.W. Bush: (I lost count))
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To: presidio9

Must be on the period again.


5 posted on 07/14/2004 7:35:54 AM PDT by cyborg
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To: presidio9

Whoever wrote this has obviously never read the Bible. Or listened honestly and without prejudice to Bush. Or taken an unbiased look at what the forces of terrorism are trying to do and what they believe. Or studied history.

Basically, whoever wrote this is an idiot.


6 posted on 07/14/2004 7:37:06 AM PDT by susiek
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To: Slings and Arrows; TheBigB; Constitution Day; martin_fierro; Tijeras_Slim; cyborg; dirtboy; ...

Morford Ping

7 posted on 07/14/2004 7:37:27 AM PDT by presidio9 (Islam Is As Islam Does)
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To: stylin_geek
Why in the blazes does this simpering idiot have a column?

Becasue the San Francisco idiots litterally eat it up.

8 posted on 07/14/2004 7:38:16 AM PDT by Dane (Trial lawyers are the tapeworms of a wealth creating society.)
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To: cyborg

My thoughts exactly. Missy Morford is menstruating.


9 posted on 07/14/2004 7:38:17 AM PDT by CholeraJoe (Party like a Rock Star! Flat-bellied Steeley-eyed killer since 1969.)
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To: presidio9
Bush here. I'm confused.

Uh, Morford, Bush can tell the in door from the out door, unlike you. So who is the confused one?

10 posted on 07/14/2004 7:38:55 AM PDT by dirtboy (John Kerry - Hillary without the fat ankles and the FBI files...)
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To: Space Wrangler

If you think thats hateful, just wait till Bush is re-elected. Morford will say worse things about Bush voters.


11 posted on 07/14/2004 7:39:13 AM PDT by finnman69 (cum puella incedit minore medio corpore sub quo manifestus globus, inflammare animos)
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To: presidio9
I live in San Francisco and I am so 'in tune' with the way life is!
These people are such arrogant jerks with no biblical or moral understanding or code. No wonder 33% of the population of that city is admitted homosexual or bi.
12 posted on 07/14/2004 7:39:49 AM PDT by Lowell (The voice from beyond the edge!)
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To: stylin_geek
Why in the blazes does this simpering idiot have a column?

Because they had already made up the entertainer list of the last Kerry Hollywood fund raiser.

13 posted on 07/14/2004 7:40:28 AM PDT by TC Rider (The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.)
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To: GodBlessRonaldReagan

Better pray extra hard for Morford today.


14 posted on 07/14/2004 7:40:50 AM PDT by presidio9 (Islam Is As Islam Does)
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To: Dane

Morford is the most limp wristed liberal writer I've run across to date. He probably has to have special wrist supports in order to be able to use a keyboard.


15 posted on 07/14/2004 7:41:43 AM PDT by stylin_geek (Koffi: 0, G.W. Bush: (I lost count))
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To: presidio9

I thinked someone dipped Missy Morfords tampons in Bengay again.


16 posted on 07/14/2004 7:41:50 AM PDT by TC Rider (The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.)
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To: presidio9
This is sooooo funny.....

Now I want to see their version lampooning homosexuals......

They did one of those too, right????? They aren't biased and bigoted against Christians, are they???????

17 posted on 07/14/2004 7:43:05 AM PDT by Onelifetogive
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To: presidio9
Whoopi Moford

18 posted on 07/14/2004 7:43:55 AM PDT by evets (God bless president George W. Bush)
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To: presidio9

I just don't think this stuff belongs here anymore. We're his only PR, and outside of SF, his only readers. [spit]


19 posted on 07/14/2004 7:44:00 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: TC Rider

What a Clymer...


20 posted on 07/14/2004 7:44:13 AM PDT by RockinRight (Liberalism IS the status quo)
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