Posted on 08/20/2004 4:39:09 AM PDT by Tom D.
Sam Kinison: The Original South Park Republican
Sam Kinison has always been my favorite stand-up comedian. While he was vulgar, grossly obscene, shockingly cruel, sometimes blasphemous, & outrageously offensive, he was also wickedly funny and delighted in skewering politically correct targets that few other people had the guts to take on.
While Kinison is certainly no role model and would surely offend -- well, just about everybody on both sides of the political spectrum -- I wanted to share a little bit of his humor with you because I find Kinison funny for many of the same reasons that I enjoy South Park (Of course, South Park is still running and Kinison died back in 1992, so a lot of you probably aren't all that familiar with his work).
So here are some snippets from some of Kinison's bits that you may find funny, provocative, outrageous, and even offensive. But, I'm going to post them and let you make up your own mind. There's certainly nothing here worse than you'll see on the average episode of South Park...
Sam Kinison on world hunger...
You want to help these people? Stop sending them food. Don't send these people another bite, folks. You want to send them something, you want to help these people? Send them U-Hauls, send them luggage, send them someone like me, I'll walk out there..send a guy who'll go,
'Hey, we just drove 700 miles with your food and it occurred to us that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would LIVE WHERE THE FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! YOU SEE THIS? HUH? THIS IS SAND. YEAH. DID YOU KNOW NOTHING CAN GROW IN THIS SH*T? HERE, EAT SOME OF IT, TASTE IT. KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA BE A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW? IT'S GONNA BE SAND! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! GET YOUR KIDS, GET YOUR SH*T, WE'LL MAKE ONE TRIP, WE'LL TAKE YOU TO WHERE THE FOOD IS! WE HAVE DESERTS IN AMERICA -- WE JUST DON'T LIVE IN THEM, @SSHOLES!"
Sam Kinison on bombing Libya...
Ever since we bombed Libya ya know, I'm just in that f*cking tear everything up mood. Blast 'em. That was just too cool man, American bombers going in going "Where's the baby's room?" *** BOOM *** "Where do you keep the little girl"? (Explosion sound).
We did out job, we only f*cked up one place, we "accidentally" dropped a bomb on the French embassy. (Crowd "AWWWWWWW"). Sorry about that, I'm sure would have been a little better if we had more f*cking sleep. Thanks for those extra 6500 air miles you f*ckheads, build a new house!
We're not f*cking around anymore, it's time to be the tough guy. This is America Godd@mnit, Reagan's President and Clint Eastwood has his own police force.
Sam Kinison on homelessness...
You give 'em the test. You sit 'em down and you go "Eh, you got any job skills, any career training? Any type of talent for anything that'll help you get a job?"
"No"
"Do you have any loved ones, do you have any friends, someone who'll love you enough to take you in, help you get back on your feet, help you fight back?"
"No"
"Is there anything left inside of you as a man that wants to get on his two feet and do something to change his world?"
"No"
*** BOOM *** I swear to God, the guy behind him is going to go,
"Woah, woah, woah, My God, you're shooting the homeless!....Ok, I'm homeless, I don't have a job. I may have set my career goals a little too high. All right, all right. I was holding out for an executive position. That doesn't look like it's going to happen. Give me a couple of hours, I'll get a paper route, I'll get something. I'll get a job where I take the carts back to the grocery store, don't shoot me!"
The homeless will disapear, that'll be one less problem for America.
I miss his humor, greatly. When told he might go to hell, he said, "Hell? (screaming) I'VE BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES!!"
LOL! He was too damn funny. My favorite bit of his was about some retired astronaut sitting around in a trailer park in Arizona with his buddies and pointing up and going "I WAS THERE! THERE! I WAS ON THE ****ING MOON MAN!!"
Sam is now, and has always been, one of my heroes. No one could do it like him. A lot of people on this forum may say that his jokes about Jesus were disgusting, but if you look deeper into what he is saying, he is slamming what was done to Jesus,and marveling at his ability to continue to forgive them
Denis Leary's pretty good, too.
"Somebody says, 'I'm not happy. My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would.' WELL, JOIN THE F***ING CLUB, PAL! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE A CENTER FIELDER FOR THE NEW YORK YANKEES, BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT THAT WAY! LIFE SUCKS, GET A HELMET!"
...and I wondered how he still had a voice. He had "emphasis" spelled "scream" down pat.
This man, HE was the classic standup comedian. Not too many of 'em can make me laugh...maybe Larry the Cable Guy...Get 'er Done!
My favorite Kinison schtick was when he [wearing that little dark blue beret and long coat] was telling about the love of his life--with violins in the background--and then he starts shouting how miserable she made him feel and that he wanted his record albums back [he kept repeating this line]...man, that was funny. R.I.P. Sam.
That hunger bit was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. :)
No comic ever made me laugh as hard as Sam Kinison. I've missed the un-PC stand-ups. No one could get away with half of those bits today.
Dennis Leary - "No Cure For Cancer" - absolute classic!!
"Yeah, I smoke 'em the whole way down to the filter, thats where they put the heroin."
"And I only eat meat from cows that smoke! Special cows, they grow them in Virginia, with voice boxes [does an impression of a mooing cow with a voice box) Ooooooo!"
I remember: "This is America, damn it! Ronald Reagan is president, and Clint Eastwood has his own police force!"
Do you remember taht bit about the whole family that had voice boxes? And how hard it would be to order from the drive thru window at McDonanlds?
"I'm just gonna sit around and eat meat and watch the war..."
I think his perspective on recent events would be "refreshing" so to speak
I felt so bad when Sam died. He was hysterically funny though I used to cringe when he used that profanity on cable. First couple of times I saw him was on Dave Letterman's old NBC show, when Dave used to be funny! Anyway, as soon as Sam started screaming I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair. :)
Oh, dude...I got two words for ya - Ron White.
"In Texas, if you're found guilty of a Capital Offense for which there is physical evidence of your guilt and two credible eyewitnesses, you go to the front of the line. Some states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My home state's puttin' in an EXPRESS LANE."
here's to wishing that sam could have a "second coming"
Sam Kinison was one of the funniest comics I have ever seen. He was one of my favorites.
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