Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
ahve=have.
Sorry about that, lol.
You mean God's covenants with Jacob and Noah, for instance?
God set specific covenants with specific people in the Old Testament. I don't believe they apply to me.
If one believes those covenants apply to Christians today, why would he not also believe all of God's other commands in Genesis, Exodus and Leviticus apply as well? But we know they do not all apply, because of Jesus Christ.
Do you honestly believe people who do not want children should have them? Because that would be a horrible thing--to have children only because other people think you should. When you really think about it, it would actually be immoral: wrong to do to the child, wrong to do to oneself, wrong to do to anyone else it might affect, and thus wrong to do in God's sight.
There are many purposes for marriage. Procreation is indeed one of them. But I don't believe it's a mandate.
I understand conservative Catholics may feel differently, and that's fine.
What a stupid statement.
Did I say having kids would guarentee companionship? Nope, I didn't. The only thing it does is increase your chances.
Are you kidding? Two incomes and NO kids is great! We sure don't vote DEM either. We spend our money on ourselves, and our retirement.
Most of the older women I know are extremely independent. Sometimes they do live together and share expenses but I haven't seen it that often.
One older woman I used to visit would want to cook for me every time I visited her. She made the best pasta fagiola (sp?). The only person she wanted to live with was her unmarried son.
Of course I've seen really well-behaved children and attentive parents at times too, but there seem to be fewer of them than the other kind. I live in a blue state, so maybe that makes a difference.
And yeah, no doubt there are tons of ill-mannered grown people out there too. But I figure when parents have kids in tow they should at least make a good effort to keep them behaved/out of the way (just common sense), etc.
You are exactly right, of course. I just don't understand how that would keep someone from having children of their own, kwim? Presumably, your children wouldn't behave like that, or have it tolerated when the inevitable tantrums occur.
That's my issue with it. I hope you understand where I am coming from here.
That is so cool. She is really lucky to have you. I'll never forget sitting with one of my older friends as we watched the House Managers getting ringed by some dingbat female demo. All she said was, in a very quiet tone. "Bull sh!t."
Awww thanks :-)
"Selfish hedonism".- Is there any other? Besides, selfishness is good, just like greed is.
Yep, but to me I wouldn't trade the time investment. I really like being with them. My main objective is to guide their souls. If I get to have them by my side when I die I will consider it gravy.
That is way too funny.
Fifty years ago, this discussion would not have even taken place. The last fifty years (round number) have turned America upside down.
Fifty years ago, it was just as normal as bacon and eggs for breakfast, that a man and woman married and had children. As it always had been. Why? Were my parents too dull to consider whether or not they were "cut out" to be parents? I think not; though they both came from families of modest means, both had graduated college and both had career prospects - Mama as a teacher and Daddy in finance.
My Daddy was not really "cut out" to be a father. His own died when he was two years old, and in later years, he told me that he had messed up a lot, because his male influences were not so good. So, he realized that he did not have a good ideal for fatherhood. Yes, he messed up a lot. But, he did well enough to bring four children into the world who are also having children and making the world a better place.
Forgive the ramble. But, this is interesting to me, in light of what, fifty years ago was considered, at best sad, and at worst, slightly scandalous; i.e., that a man and woman would marry, and never be blessed with children. I think it speaks to a downward trend in the matters that made us a strong nation.
fwiw
=== As long as marriage is tied as an institution raising children then there will never be viability to homosexual marriage.
Birth control rendered children an Option of marriage long ago. It's interesting that no one on this thread (save AquinasFan, or so I've seen) acknowledges that fact.
Folks who choose how many children to have within their marriage are making the same exact decision as those who choose to have no children from the marriage.
Actually, cyborg made reference to that as well.
We had three failed adoption efforts after the birth of our son and three muscarriages. Fourth time (Russia) worked to get Ben a brother. It's an outrage, what the domestic adoption system has turned into.
Issac Newton never married or had children. Somehow I don't think he was a waste of oxygen.
I bet a dollar, not a one of them had a stay at home mama; nor was one home schooled.
Hell, I bet a hundred.
What we see when we see that, is the result of bad choices by parents. It is not ipso facto proof that bringing children into the world is a bad thing.
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