Posted on 03/30/2005 8:30:57 AM PST by Vision Thing
What's wrong with this sentence?
"Microsoft the company should big improve Word grammar check."
A University of Washington associate professor ran it through the grammar check in Microsoft Word, and the software found it acceptable.
Sandeep Krishnamurthy is now on a mission to get the software giant to tweak its grammar-check system.
He says he discovered problems after scolding a student he'd given a poor grade for submitting a paper filled with grammatical errors. The student complained that she had used the software to check for errors.
Microsoft says grammar is almost impossible for a computer to master because it requires artificial intelligence that isn't available. Microsoft Word spokesman Chris Pratley said the best way to ensure grammar is correct is to pay attention in school.
I wouldn't have thought that to be in a dictionary. I guess it shows the programmers' bent.
You may as well debate enure with inure for all it will get you.
must not comment...must not comment...must not comment...
whut?
Group assignment is the hallmark of a lazy and incompetent teacher.
Behold the lonely artisan, begging for alms.
It was (is) the policy of the whole program, unfortunately. It was hard for those of us who were independent thinkers and who were meticulous in our research and writing. We were definitely made to feel that we were the oddballs in the class.
ROFLOL. I missed the other reference at first.
Q. Please explain how to diagram a sentence.
A. First spread the sentence out on a clean, flat surface, such as an ironing board. Then, using a sharp pencil or X-Acto knife, locate the "predicate," which indicates where the action has taken place and is usually located directly behind the gills. For example, in the sentence: "LaMont never would of bit a forest ranger," the action probably took place in a forest. Thus your diagram would be shaped like a little tree with branches sticking out of it to indicate the locations of the various particles of speech, such as your gerunds, proverbs, adjutants, etc.
Q. Please explain the correct usage of the word "neither."
A. Grammatically, "neither" is used to begin sentences with compound subjects that are closely related and wear at least a size 24, as in: "Neither Esther nor Bernice have passed up many Ding Dongs, if you catch my drift." It may also be used at the end of a carnivorous injunction, as in: "And don't touch them weasels, neither."
Q. When should I say "phenomena," and when should I say "phenomenon?"
A. "Phenomena" is what grammarians refer to as a "subcutaneous invective," which is a word used to describe skin disorders, as in "Bob has a weird phenomena on his neck shaped like Ted Koppel." Whereas "phenomenon" is used to describe a backup singer in the 1957 musical group "Duane Furlong and the Phenomenons."
Q. Please tell me which is correct: ``Bud, you should never of fed them taffies to the dog,'' or ``Bud, you never should of fed them taffies to the dog.''
A. According to Strunk & White, it depends on the context.
Q. The context was a brand-new Barcalounger.
A. Whoa.
Q. What is the purpose of the semicolon? A. It can be used to either (1) separate two independent clauses, or (2) indicate an insect attack.
EXAMPLES:
(1) ``Well, I'm a clause that certainly doesn't need any help!''; ``Me either!''
(2) ``Be careful not to bump into that ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; AIEEEEEEE!''
Q. In the song ``The Joker,'' what is the mystery word that Steve Miller sings in the following verse: "Some people call me the space cowboy Some people call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice 'cause I speak of the (SOMETHING) of love.''
A. According to the Broward County Public Library, the word is "pompatus.''
Q. What does "pompatus'' mean?
A. Nothing. Steve made it up. That's why some people call him ``the space cowboy.''
Q. How come we say "tuna fish''? I mean, tuna IS a kind of fish, right? We don't say "tomato vegetable'' or "milk dairy product'' or "beef meat,'' do we? And how come we call it "beef''? How come we don't say, "I'll have a piece of cow, rare''? And how come we say "rare''? And how come the waiter always says, "DID you want some dessert,'' instead of, "DO you want some dessert?'' Does he mean, "DID you want some dessert, before you found those hairs in your lasagna?'' And how come everybody says "sher-BERT,'' when the word is "sher- BET''? And how come broadcast news reporters end their reports by saying, "This is Edward M. Stuntgoat, reporting.'' What ELSE would we think he's doing? Hemorrhaging? And how come some people call Steve Miller "Maurice''?
A. Those particular people call EVERYBODY "Maurice.''
Q. Please explain the correct usage of the phrase ``all things being equal.''
A. It is used to make sentences longer.
WRONG: ``Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.''
RIGHT: ``All things being equal, Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.''
Q. Is there any difference between ``happen'' and ``transpire''? A. Grammatically, ``happen'' is a collaborating inductive that should be used in predatory conjunctions such as: ``Me and Norm here would like to buy you two happening mommas a drink.'' Whereas ``transpire'' is a suppository verb that should always be used to indicate that an event of some kind has transpired.
WRONG: ``Lester got one of them electric worm stunners.''
RIGHT: ``What transpired was, Lester got one of them electric worm stunners.''
Q. Please explain the expression: ``This does not bode well.''
A. It means that something is not boding the way it should. It could be boding better.
Q. Like most people, I would like to use the words ''parameters'' and ''behoove'' in the same sentence, but I am not sure how.
A. According to the Oxford English Cambridge Dictionary Of Big Words, the proper usage is: ''Darlene, it frankly does not behoove a woman of your parameters to wear them stretch pants.''
WRITING TIP FOR PROFESSIONALS: To make your writing more appealing to the reader, avoid ``writing negatively.'' Use positive expressions instead.
WRONG: ``Do not use this appliance in the bathtub.''
RIGHT: ``Go ahead and use this appliance in the bathtub.''
TODAY'S BUSINESS WRITING TIP: In writing proposals to prospective clients, be sure to clearly state the benefits they will receive:
WRONG: "I sincerely believe that it is to your advantage to accept this proposal."
RIGHT: "I have photographs of you naked with a squirrel."
GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON? That is not our problem.
A. Grammatically, "neither" is used to begin sentences with compound subjects that are closely related and wear at least a size 24, as in: "Neither Esther nor Bernice have passed up many Ding Dongs, if you catch my drift." It may also be used at the end of a carnivorous injunction, as in: "And don't touch them weasels, neither."
OMG, B, I think I just tinked a tad.
And I'm certainly not going to ask Ski or Fierce. ;-)
Once again we are pleased to present Mister Language Person, the internationally recognized expert and author of the authoritative Oxford Cambridge Big Book o' Grammar.
Q. What is the difference between ''criteria'' and ``criterion?''
A. These often-confused words belong to a family that grammarians call ''metronomes,'' meaning ''words that have the same beginning but lay eggs underwater.'' The simplest way to tell them apart is to remember that ''criteria'' is used in the following type of sentence: ''When choosing a candidate for the United States Congress, the main criteria is, hair.'' Whereas ''Criterion'' is a kind of car.
Q. What is the correct way to spell words?
A. English spelling is unusual because our language is a rich verbal tapestry woven together from the tongues of the Greeks, the Latins, the Angles, the Klaxtons, the Celtics, the 76ers and many other ancient peoples, all of whom had severe drinking problems. Look at the spelling they came up with for ''colonel'' (which is actually pronounced ''lieutenant''); or ``hors d'oeuvres'' or ''Cyndi Lauper.'' It is no wonder that young people today have so much trouble learning to spell: Study after study shows that young people today have the intelligence of Brillo. This is why it's so important that we old folks teach them the old reliable spelling rule that we learned as children, namely:
''I'' before ``C,''
Or when followed by ``T,''
O'er the ramparts we watched,
Not excluding joint taxpayers filing singly.
EXCEPTION: ``Suzi's All-Nite E-Z Drive-Thru Donut Shoppe.''
Q. What the heck are ''ramparts,'' anyway?
A. They are parts of a ram, and they were considered a great delicacy in those days. People used to watch o'er them.
Q. How do you speak French?
A. French is very easy to speak. The secret is, no matter what anybody says to you, you answer, ''You're wrong,'' but you say it with your tongue way back in gargle position and your lips pouted way out like you're sucking grits through a hose, so it sounds like this: ''Urrrrooonnngggg.'' Example:
FRENCH PERSON: Ou est la poisson de mon harmonica? (``How about them Toronto Blue Jays?'')
YOU: Urrrrooonnngggg.
FRENCH PERSON: Quel un moron! (``Good point!'')
Q. I know there's a difference in proper usage between ''compared with'' and ''compared to,'' but I don't care.
A. It depends on the context.
Q. Please explain punctuation?
A. It would be ''my pleasure.'' The main punctuation marks are the period, the coma, the colonel, the semicolonel, the probation mark, the catastrophe, the eclipse, the Happy Face and the box where the person checks ''yes'' to receive more information. You should place these marks in your sentences at regular intervals to indicate to your reader that some kind of punctuation is occurring. Consider these examples:
WRONG: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
RIGHT: O Romeo! Yo! ROMEO!! Wherethehellfore ART thou? Huh??
ROMEO: I art down here! Throw me the car keys!
Q. Does anybody besides total jerks ever use the phrase ``as it were?''
A. No.
Q. What is the correct form of encouraging ''chatter'' that baseball infielders should yell to the pitcher?
A. They should yell: ``Hum babe hum babe hum babe HUM BABE HUM BABE.''
Q. May they also yell: ``Shoot that ball in there shoot it shoot it SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT WAY TO SHOOT BABE GOOD HOSE ON THAT SHOOTER?''
A. They most certainly may.
Q. What is the difference between ''take'' and ``bring?''
A. ''Take'' is a transitory verb that is used in statements such as ''He up and took off.'' ''Bring'' is a consumptive injunction and must be used as follows: ``We brung some stewed ramparts to Aunt Vespa but she was already dead so we ate them ourselfs.''
TODAY'S LANGUAGE TIP:
A good way to impress people such as your boss is to develop a ''Power Vocabulary'' by using big words. Consider this example:
YOU: Good morning, Mr. Johnson.
YOUR BOSS: Good morning, Ted.
(Obviously you're not making much of an impression here. Your name isn't even ''Ted.'' Now watch the difference that a couple of Power Vocabulary words can make:)
YOU: Good morning, Mr. Johnson, you hemorrhoidal infrastructure.
YOUR BOSS: What?
YOU GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON?
We are not surprised.
;O)
Actually, the best way to learn good grammar is to read lots of well-written books.
hey there!
Hee! :o)
I will try to figure this out later. I just got service back and I'm trying to catch up on 6 days worth of pings, neither.
-PJ
Why do I hear the words, "Conjunction Junction, what's your function?" running through my head? :o)
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