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Looking for jokes about US Army (VANITY-Nothing tasteless, just funny)

Posted on 04/03/2006 6:01:27 PM PDT by curtisgardner

I was looking around the internet for some funny jokes about the US army but couldnt find much. Does anyone have any funny jokes about this subject to pass along? im obviously not looking for anything tasteless, just a few zingers to tell a former army man. Thanks to all who contribute.


TOPICS: Foreign Affairs; Political Humor/Cartoons; Unclassified
KEYWORDS: humorinuniform; militaryhumor
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1 posted on 04/03/2006 6:01:28 PM PDT by curtisgardner
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To: curtisgardner
U.S. Army...

Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet.


2 posted on 04/03/2006 6:03:17 PM PDT by darkwing104 (Let's get dangerous)
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To: curtisgardner

Try reader's digest; They have been running a military humor column for decades.


3 posted on 04/03/2006 6:04:37 PM PDT by ARCADIA (Abuse of power comes as no surprise)
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To: curtisgardner

What do you call a Sailor on a corner with 5 Marines?

A Pimp

Oh wait you want Army jokes, cant help ya there.


4 posted on 04/03/2006 6:06:10 PM PDT by aft_lizard (....)
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To: curtisgardner
How's about:

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

5 posted on 04/03/2006 6:06:37 PM PDT by Reaganesque
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To: Reaganesque
There is a bunch of jokes here:

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/default.asp
6 posted on 04/03/2006 6:08:02 PM PDT by ARCADIA (Abuse of power comes as no surprise)
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To: curtisgardner

http://vikingphoenix.com/military/milhumor/milhumor.htm


7 posted on 04/03/2006 6:09:01 PM PDT by Jo Nuvark ((Those who bless Israel will be blessed, those who curse Israel will be cursed. Gen 12:3))
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To: curtisgardner

You can change this up a bit to fit your needs......:o)

LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)


Dear Ma and Pa:


I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.


I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.


We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.


The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.


Your loving daughter,
Alice


8 posted on 04/03/2006 6:14:36 PM PDT by Squantos (Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. )
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To: curtisgardner
There I was...
9 posted on 04/03/2006 6:15:10 PM PDT by patton (Once you steal a firetruck, there's really not much else you can do except go for a joyride.)
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To: curtisgardner
For you airmen the time is 1800 hrs

For you sailors and Marines the time is six bells

for you Army grunts the big hand is pointing to the....

10 posted on 04/03/2006 6:17:42 PM PDT by pfflier
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To: curtisgardner

This one could be changed for the Army.

"Hillbilly Marine"

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No
hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm
water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route"
marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If
he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors
and Colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer
with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't
shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130
pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
<
<


Your loving daughter, Gail


11 posted on 04/03/2006 6:18:10 PM PDT by Mark (Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to fine art.)
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To: curtisgardner
How do you keep a grunt in suspense?

?

?

12 posted on 04/03/2006 6:18:32 PM PDT by pfflier
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To: Squantos

I just posted that too- or very close.


13 posted on 04/03/2006 6:19:22 PM PDT by Mark (Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to fine art.)
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To: curtisgardner

What's the difference between the US Army and the Boy Scouts of America?


The Boy Scouts have adult leadership.


14 posted on 04/03/2006 6:20:02 PM PDT by Busywhiskers (Democrats est delinda.)
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To: curtisgardner

OK, here goes!

Two young female recruits in the (pick whatever service you want to use) are ordered to clean the barracks from top to bottom. It's a hot day, and they're cleaning away, when they get the idea to lock the door, cover the windows and finish cleaning stripped down to their underwear. A little later they hear a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask. "Blind man", is the answer. They decide they can open the door and let him in. They open the door, the guy walks in, gives 'em both a very ppreciative head to toes look, whistles, and says, "Wow!!! Where do you want me to put these blinds?"


15 posted on 04/03/2006 6:23:01 PM PDT by Theresawithanh (How inna heck can I wash my neck, when it ain't gonna rain no more - (wishful thinking!))
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To: curtisgardner

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."

So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon - every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

”Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!”

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget."

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?"
"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees a Ham Bush."


16 posted on 04/03/2006 6:25:00 PM PDT by fanfan ( We have become the best/biggest news gathering entity in the whole known history of the world.)
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To: curtisgardner

Uncommon Wisdom from the Military





Some uncommon wisdom fr om the Military...
>
> "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
> expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
> your unit."
> -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
>
> "Aim towards the Enemy."
> -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
>
> "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
> -U.S. Marine Corps
>
> "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit
> the ground."
> -U.S. Air Force
>
> "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
> -Infantry Journal
>
> "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
> bombed."
> -U.S. A ir Force Manual
>
> "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
>encountered
> automatic weapons."
> -Gen. MacArthur
>
> "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
> -Infantry Journal
>
> "You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
> -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
>
> "Tracers work both ways."
> -U.S. Army Ordnance
>
> "Five second fuses only last three seconds."
> -Infantry Journal
>
> "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer
> to do anything."
> -U. S Navy Swabbie
>
> "Bravery is when you're the only one who knows you're afraid."
> -David Hackworth
&g t;
> "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
> -Infantry Journal
>
> "No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
> -Joe Gay
>
> "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
> -Anon
>
> "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
> -Unknown Marine Recruit
>
> "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
> -Your Buddies


17 posted on 04/03/2006 6:27:31 PM PDT by Mark (Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to fine art.)
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To: darkwing104

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"


18 posted on 04/03/2006 6:28:21 PM PDT by fanfan ( We have become the best/biggest news gathering entity in the whole known history of the world.)
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To: Mark

Oldie but goodie.....all grins, ..........Stay safe !!


19 posted on 04/03/2006 6:30:08 PM PDT by Squantos (Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. )
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To: curtisgardner
Two websites for you:

213 Things Skippy Can't Do In the US Army

and

Murphy's Law Site - War Laws

20 posted on 04/03/2006 6:31:00 PM PDT by Severa (I can't take this stress anymore...quick, get me a marker to sniff....)
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