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Looking for jokes about US Army (VANITY-Nothing tasteless, just funny)

Posted on 04/03/2006 6:01:27 PM PDT by curtisgardner

I was looking around the internet for some funny jokes about the US army but couldnt find much. Does anyone have any funny jokes about this subject to pass along? im obviously not looking for anything tasteless, just a few zingers to tell a former army man. Thanks to all who contribute.


TOPICS: Foreign Affairs; Political Humor/Cartoons; Unclassified
KEYWORDS: humorinuniform; militaryhumor
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1 posted on 04/03/2006 6:01:28 PM PDT by curtisgardner
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To: curtisgardner
U.S. Army...

Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet.


2 posted on 04/03/2006 6:03:17 PM PDT by darkwing104 (Let's get dangerous)
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To: curtisgardner

Try reader's digest; They have been running a military humor column for decades.


3 posted on 04/03/2006 6:04:37 PM PDT by ARCADIA (Abuse of power comes as no surprise)
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To: curtisgardner

What do you call a Sailor on a corner with 5 Marines?

A Pimp

Oh wait you want Army jokes, cant help ya there.


4 posted on 04/03/2006 6:06:10 PM PDT by aft_lizard (....)
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To: curtisgardner
How's about:

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

5 posted on 04/03/2006 6:06:37 PM PDT by Reaganesque
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To: Reaganesque
There is a bunch of jokes here:

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/default.asp
6 posted on 04/03/2006 6:08:02 PM PDT by ARCADIA (Abuse of power comes as no surprise)
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To: curtisgardner

http://vikingphoenix.com/military/milhumor/milhumor.htm


7 posted on 04/03/2006 6:09:01 PM PDT by Jo Nuvark ((Those who bless Israel will be blessed, those who curse Israel will be cursed. Gen 12:3))
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To: curtisgardner

You can change this up a bit to fit your needs......:o)

LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)


Dear Ma and Pa:


I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.


I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.


We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.


The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.


Your loving daughter,
Alice


8 posted on 04/03/2006 6:14:36 PM PDT by Squantos (Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. )
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To: curtisgardner
There I was...
9 posted on 04/03/2006 6:15:10 PM PDT by patton (Once you steal a firetruck, there's really not much else you can do except go for a joyride.)
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To: curtisgardner
For you airmen the time is 1800 hrs

For you sailors and Marines the time is six bells

for you Army grunts the big hand is pointing to the....

10 posted on 04/03/2006 6:17:42 PM PDT by pfflier
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To: curtisgardner

This one could be changed for the Army.

"Hillbilly Marine"

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No
hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm
water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route"
marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If
he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors
and Colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer
with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't
shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130
pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
<
<


Your loving daughter, Gail


11 posted on 04/03/2006 6:18:10 PM PDT by Mark (Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to fine art.)
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To: curtisgardner
How do you keep a grunt in suspense?

?

?

12 posted on 04/03/2006 6:18:32 PM PDT by pfflier
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To: Squantos

I just posted that too- or very close.


13 posted on 04/03/2006 6:19:22 PM PDT by Mark (Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to fine art.)
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To: curtisgardner

What's the difference between the US Army and the Boy Scouts of America?


The Boy Scouts have adult leadership.


14 posted on 04/03/2006 6:20:02 PM PDT by Busywhiskers (Democrats est delinda.)
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To: curtisgardner

OK, here goes!

Two young female recruits in the (pick whatever service you want to use) are ordered to clean the barracks from top to bottom. It's a hot day, and they're cleaning away, when they get the idea to lock the door, cover the windows and finish cleaning stripped down to their underwear. A little later they hear a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask. "Blind man", is the answer. They decide they can open the door and let him in. They open the door, the guy walks in, gives 'em both a very ppreciative head to toes look, whistles, and says, "Wow!!! Where do you want me to put these blinds?"


15 posted on 04/03/2006 6:23:01 PM PDT by Theresawithanh (How inna heck can I wash my neck, when it ain't gonna rain no more - (wishful thinking!))
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To: curtisgardner

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."

So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon - every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

”Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!”

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget."

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?"
"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees a Ham Bush."


16 posted on 04/03/2006 6:25:00 PM PDT by fanfan ( We have become the best/biggest news gathering entity in the whole known history of the world.)
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To: curtisgardner

Uncommon Wisdom from the Military





Some uncommon wisdom fr om the Military...
>
> "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
> expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
> your unit."
> -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
>
> "Aim towards the Enemy."
> -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
>
> "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
> -U.S. Marine Corps
>
> "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit
> the ground."
> -U.S. Air Force
>
> "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
> -Infantry Journal
>
> "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
> bombed."
> -U.S. A ir Force Manual
>
> "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
>encountered
> automatic weapons."
> -Gen. MacArthur
>
> "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
> -Infantry Journal
>
> "You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
> -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
>
> "Tracers work both ways."
> -U.S. Army Ordnance
>
> "Five second fuses only last three seconds."
> -Infantry Journal
>
> "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer
> to do anything."
> -U. S Navy Swabbie
>
> "Bravery is when you're the only one who knows you're afraid."
> -David Hackworth
&g t;
> "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
> -Infantry Journal
>
> "No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
> -Joe Gay
>
> "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
> -Anon
>
> "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
> -Unknown Marine Recruit
>
> "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
> -Your Buddies


17 posted on 04/03/2006 6:27:31 PM PDT by Mark (Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to fine art.)
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To: darkwing104

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"


18 posted on 04/03/2006 6:28:21 PM PDT by fanfan ( We have become the best/biggest news gathering entity in the whole known history of the world.)
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To: Mark

Oldie but goodie.....all grins, ..........Stay safe !!


19 posted on 04/03/2006 6:30:08 PM PDT by Squantos (Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. )
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To: curtisgardner
Two websites for you:

213 Things Skippy Can't Do In the US Army

and

Murphy's Law Site - War Laws

20 posted on 04/03/2006 6:31:00 PM PDT by Severa (I can't take this stress anymore...quick, get me a marker to sniff....)
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To: curtisgardner

LOOKING FOR HERMAN


Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb.That afternoon
the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.That afternoon
the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.


21 posted on 04/03/2006 6:33:18 PM PDT by Mark (Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to fine art.)
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To: curtisgardner

"What's the difference between a turbine engine and a pilot? The engine stops whining after the mission is over."

"How can you tell the pilot at a party? Don't worry...he'll tell you."


22 posted on 04/03/2006 6:40:18 PM PDT by SAMS (Nobody loves a soldier until the enemy is at the gate; Army Wife & Marine Mom)
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To: curtisgardner
Try this.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1290007/posts

23 posted on 04/03/2006 6:40:30 PM PDT by processing please hold (Be careful of charity and kindness, lest you do more harm with open hands than with a clinched fist)
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To: curtisgardner

Words can mean different things in different branches. Take the word "secure."

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they turn off the lights and lock the doors.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they put out sentries.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they storm the place and kill all the enemy inside.

And if you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they take out a three year lease with an option to buy.


24 posted on 04/03/2006 6:43:28 PM PDT by Our man in washington
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To: curtisgardner
Something from the Navy:

Naval Aviator:

On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head..

The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship.

The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force:

We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.

Army:

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

25 posted on 04/03/2006 6:45:10 PM PDT by KarlInOhio (If you have a leaking pipe, you shut off the water valve before deciding on amnesty for the puddles.)
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To: curtisgardner

Check out the jokes on this old thread http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a3a82c48c6fd6.htm

"A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a platoon sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a PFC monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $1000."
The platoon sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fire expert with small arms, score 300 on the APFT, and perform Drill & Ceremony and Small Unit Tactics with no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's an NCO monkey; it can instruct BRM, CTT, PT, D&C and SUT, and even do some paperwork. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually SEEN it do ANYTHING, but it says it's a Colonel.""

A funny true Afghan War story here: http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/604819/posts


26 posted on 04/03/2006 6:50:06 PM PDT by mrsmith
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To: pfflier

1800 is four bells. 1900 is six bells. 2000 is eight bells...


27 posted on 04/03/2006 6:52:54 PM PDT by Junior (Identical fecal matter, alternate diurnal period)
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To: curtisgardner

bumb for later....


28 posted on 04/03/2006 6:53:41 PM PDT by birddog
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To: curtisgardner

This thread is awesome.


29 posted on 04/03/2006 7:02:44 PM PDT by mysterio
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To: Junior

Thanks a lot.

"The officer of the deck sends his respect, and wishes to announce the approaching hour of 1200. All clocks and chronometers have been wound and set, request permission to strike eight bells on time."

If I had a dollar for every time that I had to say that... ;-)


30 posted on 04/03/2006 7:06:37 PM PDT by wyattearp (The best weapon to have in a gunfight is a shotgun - preferably from ambush.)
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To: SAMS
What do pilots use for birth control?

Their personality!

31 posted on 04/03/2006 7:11:42 PM PDT by Redleg Duke (Kennedy and Kerry, the two Commissars of the Peoples' Republic of Massachusetts!)
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To: curtisgardner

A crusty old Master Sergeant found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant , but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."


32 posted on 04/03/2006 7:12:02 PM PDT by Dubya-M-Dees (Mary Mapes was the first in the MSM that had to participate in an election by the people... she lost)
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To: curtisgardner
The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

33 posted on 04/03/2006 7:16:00 PM PDT by Billthedrill
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To: Our man in washington

The marine was sitting in a foxhole, bullets whizzing by overhead, explosions all around. As he sits in the mud he says " I love how it sucks here"

The Army guy sitting in a similiar foxhole says "it sucks here"

The Navy guy looking out over the water says "it sucks over there"

The Air Force guy sitting in his chair looking at the tv says "WHAT!! no cable, that sucks!


34 posted on 04/03/2006 7:17:25 PM PDT by driftdiver
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To: wyattearp

Read tagline. It was fashioned after Fed Ex commercials in the 1980's and in vogue in Minot and Grand Forks back in the day


35 posted on 04/03/2006 7:18:44 PM PDT by slapshot (""USAF- when you absolutely, positively need it delivered on target, on time, right away)
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To: wyattearp

Read tagline. It was fashioned after Fed Ex commercials in the 1980's and in vogue in Minot and Grand Forks back in the day


36 posted on 04/03/2006 7:18:45 PM PDT by slapshot (""USAF- when you absolutely, positively need it delivered on target, on time, right away)
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To: wyattearp

Read tagline. It was fashioned after Fed Ex commercials in the 1980's and in vogue in Minot and Grand Forks back in the day


37 posted on 04/03/2006 7:18:49 PM PDT by slapshot (""USAF- when you absolutely, positively need it delivered on target, on time, right away)
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To: curtisgardner

God is sitting in Heaven feeling a little bored one day.
He looks down on the Earth and notices a group of Army Rangers paddling a raft up a river.

All of the Rangers are reciting the Ranger Creed as they paddle. "Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession..."

Feeling a little mischievous, God wonders to Himself what would happen if He removes 1/4 of the brains of all the Rangers. He snaps His fingers and all of the Rangers lose 1/4 of their brains.

The Rangers just keep on paddling, still reciting the Ranger Creed, "Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession..."

Wow those guys are tough God declares. He wonders what would happen if He removes another 1/4 of their brains. Again God snaps His fingers and leaves the Rangers with only half of their brains.

The Rangers just keep on paddling, still reciting the Ranger Creed, "Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession..."

Man those guys really are tough! God can't help Himself. He wonders what would happen if He removes all of their brains. He snaps His fingers and looks to see.

There they are still paddling the raft but they begin to sing "From the Halls of Montezuma..."


38 posted on 04/03/2006 7:25:13 PM PDT by Boris99
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To: curtisgardner

LMAO @ all these BUMP!


39 posted on 04/03/2006 7:27:50 PM PDT by Thumper1960 (The enemy within: Demoncrats and DSA.ORG Sedition is a Liberal "family value".)
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To: Billthedrill

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tailboom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks.
As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We aren't done crashing yet!"


40 posted on 04/03/2006 7:31:48 PM PDT by DJtex (;)
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To: slapshot

Saw a good bumper sticker:

US Marine Corps: When something absolutely, positively, must be destroyed overnight.


41 posted on 04/03/2006 7:38:44 PM PDT by wyattearp (The best weapon to have in a gunfight is a shotgun - preferably from ambush.)
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To: wyattearp
Come to think of it I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that I hadn't seen before.

"Marines, Moslems. Who do you think gets the virgins?"

42 posted on 04/03/2006 7:46:11 PM PDT by Billthedrill
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To: curtisgardner

Order to Troops in Iraq
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]

"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]

"Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]

"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."

"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.


43 posted on 04/03/2006 7:48:17 PM PDT by Chena (I'm not young enough to know everything.)
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To: curtisgardner

This is more of a Navy joke, but...

An Army General, an Air Force General, and a Navy Admiral were at an Army base, and the subject came up of who had the biggest balls; soldiers, airmen, or sailors.

The Army General says, "watch this!", pulls a pin on a grenade, throws it down on the ground, and yells at a soldier "throw yourself on that grenade!"

The soldier says, "YES, SIR!" and throws himself on the grenade, blowing himself up.

The Army General grins and says, "soldiers have the biggest balls".

The Air Force General says, "that's nothing, come with me". They all go to an Air Force base, out on the flight line. The Air Force General says to an airman, "throw yourself into that jet intake!".

The airman says "YES SIR!", throwing himself into the jet intake, and getting blown out the back as a fine mist.

The Air Force General grins and says, "airmen have the biggest balls".

The Navy Admiral says "that's nothing, come with me", and they go onboard an aircraft carrier. The Admiral looks up the mast, and sees a sailor 150 feet above the flight deck, doing maintenance on one of the antennas.

The Admiral cups his hands around his mouth, and yells "SAILOR!". The sailor replies, "YES SIR!". The Admiral then yells, "SAILOR, THROW YOURSELF OFF THE MAST AND LAND HERE AT MY FEET!".

The sailor promptly replies, "F**K YOU ADMIRAL!", flips him the bird, and goes back to his maintenance.

The two Generals are aghast. The Admiral folds his hands across his chest and smugly says, "now THAT'S balls!"


44 posted on 04/03/2006 7:51:24 PM PDT by wyattearp (The best weapon to have in a gunfight is a shotgun - preferably from ambush.)
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To: Junior

Oops! Thanks for the info


45 posted on 04/03/2006 7:55:52 PM PDT by pfflier
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To: Busywhiskers

The correct answer is the Boy Scouts have better looking uniforms and adult leadership.


46 posted on 04/03/2006 8:04:29 PM PDT by BruceS
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To: curtisgardner

Q: Did you hear about the accident at the Army base?
A: A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 kernals


47 posted on 04/03/2006 8:04:42 PM PDT by Chena (I'm not young enough to know everything.)
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To: curtisgardner

My dad (a 33-year Air Force veteran) told me, when I was about to go into the Army, that General Custer told the Army when he left for the Little Big Horn to not change anything till he got back - and they haven't.


48 posted on 04/03/2006 8:07:54 PM PDT by BruceS
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To: curtisgardner

A.R.M.Y.=AIN'T READY to be a MARINE YET!

SEMPER FI!


49 posted on 04/03/2006 8:13:19 PM PDT by alpha-8-25-02 ("SAVED BY GRACE AND GRACE ALONE")
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To: Busywhiskers

NO THE BOY SCOUTS DON'T HAVE HEAVY ARTILLERY!

"GOOD MORNING VIETNAM"


50 posted on 04/03/2006 8:18:14 PM PDT by alpha-8-25-02 ("SAVED BY GRACE AND GRACE ALONE")
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