What it takes to be a jerk (Dave Barry)

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What it takes to be a jerk

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 29, 1996.)

Recently, when I was having a hamburger at an outdoor restaurant, two guys started up their Harley-Davidson motorcycles, parked maybe 25 feet from me. Naturally, being Harley guys, these were rebels -- lone wolves, guys who do it Their Way, guys who do not follow the crowd. You could tell because they were wearing the same jeans, jackets, boots, bandannas, sunglasses, belt buckles, tattoos and (presumably) underwear worn by roughly 28 million other lone-wolf Harley guys.

And, of course, once they got their engines started, they had to spend the equivalent of two college semesters just sitting there, revving their engines, which were so ear-bleedingly loud that I thought my hamburger was going to leap from my plate and skitter, terrified, back into the kitchen. I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.

Perhaps you, too, have experienced an assault of Harley-revving; and perhaps you have asked yourself: Why do these people DO this? What possible reason could they have for causing so much discomfort to those around them? As it happens, there IS a reason, and it is an excellent one: They're jerks.

I'm not saying that ALL Harley guys -- some of my friends are Harley guys -- engage in this obnoxious behavior. I'm just saying that the ones who DO engage in it are jerks. And I am not afraid to tell them so, even if they are large and hairy and potentially violent. I am not afraid to say: ``OK, Mr. Loud Harley Guy, you got a problem with me calling you a jerk? You want to DO something about it? You want to express your disagreement by tapping out lengthy Morse Code sentences on my skull with a tire iron? Then why don't you -- if you have the guts -- come see me PERSONALLY at my place of employment, located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C.? Come on if you dare, fat boy! Ride right into the lobby!''

And let me also say, while I'm at it, that I'm sick of you people who park in spaces reserved for the handicapped, even though you are not, personally, handicapped. You know who you are. Many of you even have those little rearview-mirror handicapped signs, which you got from a friend or relative, or which you once needed because of some temporary medical condition that has long since been cleared up.

One of my hobbies is to watch when cars pull into handicapped parking spots, and see who gets out. Very often, in my experience, these people appear to be totally unhandicapped: No wheelchair, no crutches, not even a trace of a limp. I realize that some of these people have problems, such as heart conditions, that are not visible. But some of them, to judge by the sprightliness of their walks, are off to compete in the decathlon. Their only handicap is: They're jerks.

What we need in this country -- I would pay extra income tax for this -- is an elite corps of Handicapped Parker On-Site Medical Examination SWAT Teams. These teams would prowl the streets, wearing rubber gloves and armed with X-ray machines, CT scanners, scalpels, drills, saws and harpoon-sized hypodermic needles.

When a team spotted a handicapped-zone parker who could not immediately prove that he or she was handicapped, that person would immediately undergo a severely thorough on-the-street physical examination conducted by burly personnel who have attended medical school for a maximum of four hours including lunch (''Hey Norm! Which ones are the kidneys again?''). These examinations would involve full frontal nudity and the removal of enough blood, organ and tissue samples to form a complete new human; also, if the SWAT team found a Harley guy revving his engine in a handicapped-parking zone, it would employ the 250-foot intestinal probe nicknamed ''Big Bertha.'' The idea would be that if you weren't qualified to park in a handicapped zone BEFORE the physical examination, you definitely would be AFTER.

And let's talk about you people who always send your food back in restaurants. (I KNOW this has nothing to do with handicapped parking; I can't stop myself.) I mean, sure, if the food is truly BAD, if it has RODENTS running around on it, OK, send it back; but what about you people who ALWAYS send your food back, thereby turning EVERY SINGLE MEAL into an exercise in consumer whining?

I'm sorry! You're jerks! Especially if, when the bill comes, you also ALWAYS insist -- even if everybody ordered basically the same thing -- on figuring out your EXACT share (''Well, I had the Diet Sprite, which is 10 cents less than the iced tea. ...'' ); and then you decide that a 5 percent tip is adequate, thereby forcing your friends, who are embarrassed, to put in more money.

Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you. Put your ear right down to the page: YOUR FRIENDS HATE IT WHEN YOU STIFF THE WAITER. IF THE SERVICE IS OK, YOU SHOULD TIP 15 PERCENT. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TIP, THEN DON'T EAT AT RESTAURANTS.

Also, you should never, ever, no matter what, butt in front of people waiting in line without asking their permission. Also, if, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, all right? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

Thank you, and I apologize for using so many capital letters. I can be a real jerk about that.

[RobFromGa]

Or people who like to start fights with other FReepers, somehow trying to read more into a post than is necessary.

Yeah, those types really P.O. me. They are definitely jerks in my book. People should not read things into posts, and stick with exactly what is printed.

[SamAdams76]

For a slightly different take on this one, i hate it when a person in a long line gives the OK for another person to cut in front of them. Don't they realize they just gave cuts on behalf of everybody behind them? Those people are JERKS.

One time waiting to get a cold drink on a hot day at some amusement park, some mother with a child came up to and asked if she could cut in front of me because her daughter was thirsty. Lame excuse because the daughter looked fine to me and besides there were drinking fountains all over the place with no lines at all. So I turned around and said in a loud voice "Sure, so long as it's no problem for all the thirsty people standing behind me."

She immediately vanished.

[RobFromGa]

I read an article somewhere that they researched asking people to cut in line, giving various reasons.

No reason, "Can I cut in front of you?" failed most of the time.

Any reason, doesn't matter what- "Can I cut in front of you because my brother loves to snow ski" and the percentage went way up, it made little difference what the reason was. This is an interesting tidbit about human nature.

[Mo1]

What the hell does that have to do with this article?

[From many - one.]

Don't -ever- come near me with that attitude.

I have a handicapped kid sister and every inch she moves is painful. And she shops the absolute minimum.

[Felis_irritable]

I saw this happen with 2 people whose desks were facing each other. The one a-hole moved her stuff over-over-over, I guess because she was an important management intern, until it was on the other person's desk. That person, in turn, instead of just pushing back at opportune times, BLEW UP. Made the few days of conflict kinda worth going to work to see.

[expatpat]

you should never....butt in front of people waiting in line without asking their permission".....It's a very basic concept.

Actually, it's a basic concept only in Anglo-Saxon countries. In France and Spain, for example, there is no line for, say, a bus -- everyone piles up to the door and pushes their way in.

[Squawk 8888]

Not very surprising; many studies have also shown that employees are more likely to follow management directives when they are given a reason. Whether it's an order or request, people are more likely to respond if they can work it out for themselves. It's about decision-making, everyone has plenty of reasons to say no so you need to counter them with reasons to say yes.

[Future Snake Eater]

Actually, I believe Dave Barry is a libertarian leaning towards the conservative persuasion.

[dighton]

So you’ve got this party of forty, who were going to put it all on one tab, but at the last minute, directed by Satan, require separate checks and we’re in a rush.

[buck61]

People stand in public door ways.

Try WalMart at the first of the mo.

I call it the day all the older generation on prozac coming out day.
They will park their buggy in the middle isle and stand beside
it starring up into the air, and most of them have an as* as wide as the buggy.

If you do by some lucky chance get around them, look in their buggy, lots and lots of diet drinks.
Some how I just can't get the full meaning of this picture.

[Psycho_Bunny]

I'm familiar with the "loud pipes saves lives" red herring.

It's only valid in the context of being on a freeway and in no way justifies the loudness of the pipes.

The simple fact is that some Harleys are loud enough to make pedestrians ears ring....which as far as I'm concerned is the same as walking up and boxing a stranger on the ear - only without the actual physical contact.

 

 

[MozarkDawg]

So you’ve got this party of forty, who were going to put it all on one tab, but at the last minute, directed by Satan, require separate checks and we’re in a rush.

Very nice ... tell EVERYONE what a jackhole I am, whydoncha?!!

[Marie]

Barry is dead wrong about the handicap spots. Many people I know have mobility issues which don't take a wheelchair or cane.

You're right. My friend has peripheral neuropathy and it's much worse when she gets overheated. If she doesn't need a wheelchair when she gets to the store, she will after a nice, long walk across the parking lot in 95' weather. My friend also has periods of remission where she can walk just fine.

From what I understand, MS can also act this way sometimes.

[Past Your Eyes]

My family has a campground. We don't allow dogs, which is plainly evident by the LARGE sign on the way in. One day, a couple with two dogs came to the office, got out of the car and let their two dogs out. The dogs immediately started tearing all over the place, sniffing everything and relieving themselves. The woman says to my brother "Why don't you allow dogs?". Brother points at the dogs and says "That's why. But the real reason is usually the owners." LMAO!!

[mad puppy]

"Agreed. I've been known to point this out to people who think I can't hear them if they're more than six inches away. Unless you're female and I'm clearly interested, back the F off. It's annoying as hell."

Also... it continues to amaze me that these same people are so casual about their dental hygiene. Good grief, brush your teeth, PLEASE!

[Past Your Eyes]

ROFLMAO!!!

[Ditter]

Barry is not wrong about the handicapped cheaters. I have personally seen at least 4 people park in a handicapped space and then run.... that's right.... RUN... into the store. I have seen even more limp from the car to the door to the store and them walk normally. Cheaters abound!

[vetvetdoug]

I have to warm up my Harley for about three minutes before I drive off. Barry, being a liberal wuss and a journalist, doesn't understand why an engine has to be warmed up before one takes off.

[Ditter]

The motorcycle maniacs are bad but they do eventually leave and you couldn't catch up to them if you tried. The ones that annoy me are the ones with the huge speakers in their car that make the awful bumping sound that makes me feel like I am having a heart attack and they can follow you for miles in heavy traffic. I have actually pulled off the road and let them get away from me. I wish they would get ticketed for noise pollution.