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Obama Administration To Outlaw Dirty Brown Food Technologies
Cat Nipman ^ | 08/18/09 | Cat Nipman

Posted on 04/18/2009 4:42:34 PM PDT by catnipman

***NEWS FLASH ***

Washington (AP) In a surprise move today, the Obama Administration announced newly proposed rules that prohibit food from being grown in dirt because of the danger of salmonella contamination.

Although alternative technologies don’t yet exist to replace dirt, and hundreds of millions people in the United States are likely to perish from starvation in the next few years, the Obama Administration said that a few people died last year from food contaminated with salmonella and that drastic action was therefore necessary to protect the American public from unsafe food.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs added that the new technologies would be green and clean technologies, unlike dirt, which he noted was brown and dirty, and that millions of high-paid green jobs would result, instead of a few poor dirt-farmers monopolizing the production of most of our food via so-called “dirty” brown technologies.

These new jobs would involve building and operating millions of small food-growing factories called “greenhouses”, hence the designation of this new industry as “green”. When told that greenhouses weren’t actually green in color, Gibbs said that the Obama administration was aware of that, and was developing plans to make sure that all greenhouses were actually painted green. Gibbs said that non-green greenhouses would probably confuse some people and that therefore it would be illegal to operate a greenhouse that was not actually green in color. And not just any green either, none of that ugly olive green or ghastly chartreuse, but green green, you know, like the color of grass and leaves and natural stuff like that.

When asked about the wisdom of condemning millions to starvation to prevent a few salmonella deaths, Gibbs said that people could eat cake until the new non-dirt technologies were developed, and besides, government scientists had proved that “dirty” food was unhealthy anyways, since no matter how much you washed it, even with special soap, a small amount of dirt always remained. Gibbs reminded the press core that government scientists had long ago proved that everyone ate at least a pound of dirt during their lifetime, and that the Obama Administration was committed to ending this barbaric and dangerous practice.

In the mean time, a government-operated dirt cap-and-trade system would be developed, charging dirt farmers the right to grow dirty food with brown technology. Gibbs said that dirt rights sold by the government are expected to be so expensive that very little dirty food would actually be grown, thus ensuring an industry shift to clean and green food production. Since clean and green food is expected to be a thousand times more expensive than dirty food, a small amount of the dirt rights proceeds would be given to undocumented citizens to help offset the hardships of the higher cost of illegally living in a foreign land. When asked about the wisdom of such a dirt tax, Gibbs grew agitated, insisting that the money paid for the sale of dirt rights was NOT A TAX, you hear me, NOT A TAX!!! Don’t you ever let me hear you use the “tax” word again, do you hear me!

When asked whether farm animals such as cattle, hogs, and chickens would be allowed to eat dirty food, Gibbs said the White House was still mulling that issue over and was currently consulting PETA about the issue. Preliminary indications were that this was likely to be a non-issue since PETA was going to recommend that people not be allowed to eat meat or any other animal-based product. Gibbs acknowledged that eliminating both plant and animal food products at the same time would be tough to do, but noted, “We won the election!” and therefore we have a mandate to do whatever we want to do.

When asked if the movie “Soylent Green” provided inspiration for the legislation’s title, “The Soilless Green Act”, Gibbs scoffed that the President had no plans to make food out of people, at least not yet anyway.

When asked if the Administration would attempt to obtain bipartisan support for their plan, Gibbs burst into an uncontrollable laughing fit and had to be revived with smelling salts when he passed out from being unable to catch his breath, thus ending the White House press conference.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) backed the plan, jumping up and down and clapping her hands wildly in her little green cheerleader’s outfit. Nancy said she wasn’t sure what dirt was, but that she had been assured that dirt was brown and dirty, and that “greenhouses” certainly sounded like a vast improvement, since a “greenhouse” must be green since it had the word “green” in it. And Nancy added, “We all know that green is good, and that not-green is bad.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said that Nevada had lots and lots of unused space that could be used to build greenhouses, and that he was working on changing the Senate rules to get the Obama Administration’s new green food agenda passed with only 11 Senate votes. Harry said that such a low vote was necessary to pass the President’s agenda since so many senators represent states that have dirt farmers that produce dirty plant or animal food and/or include voters that eat dirty food.

When asked his opinion regarding dirty brown technology, Vice President Joe Biden said, “F**k me! Uh, no, I mean f**k dirt! Yeah, that’s right, you heard me, f**k dirt!”

When President Obama was asked if he thought his administration could eliminate the production of both plant and animal food simultaneously, he replied “Yes, we can.”

Off the record, an unnamed source said that food hording and food riots weren’t expected to be a big concern since most high-level administration officials have known these changes were in the works for quite some time and had already had ample opportunity to stockpile several years worth of food for themselves and their families.

By AP staff writer Cat Nipman

Complete article located here.




TOPICS: Business/Economy; Government; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: bloggersandpersonal; blogpimp; chat; dirt; food; joke; justpimpingmyblog; notfunny; obama

1 posted on 04/18/2009 4:42:34 PM PDT by catnipman
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To: catnipman

Control money and food supply and you’ll control ALL people.


2 posted on 04/18/2009 4:47:17 PM PDT by J40000
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To: catnipman
Although alternative technologies don’t yet exist to replace dirt

Hydroponics doesn't yet exist?

I'm hoping this is satire, but it's getting really hard to tell anymore.

3 posted on 04/18/2009 4:49:05 PM PDT by joshhiggins
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To: Diana in Wisconsin; gardengirl; girlangler; SunkenCiv; HungarianGypsy; Gabz; billhilly; Alkhin; ...

Gardening Ping - Heeee Heeee Heeeee = Dirt Farming Banned!!!


4 posted on 04/18/2009 4:52:34 PM PDT by Red_Devil 232 (VietVet - USMC All Ready On The Right? All Ready On The Left? All Ready On The Firing Line!)
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To: catnipman
I would laugh, but I could actually see this administration using this mentality!

You know, Just like the way they are looking into orbiting giant screens to block out the sun and also researching ways to pump pollutants into the upper atmosphere to create a giant smog sunblock to cool the earth.

This administration is bordering on insane if they aren't there already.

5 posted on 04/18/2009 4:52:47 PM PDT by R_Kangel (`.`)
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To: catnipman

hydroperoxide is clean, add some sanitized gravel, and you’ve got a clean growing medium.


6 posted on 04/18/2009 4:55:51 PM PDT by ken21 (the only thing we have to fear is fdr deja vu.)
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To: catnipman

PLEASE ... no more SATIRE regarding OBAMA ... it’s too hard to tell where Reality Ends and the SATIRE BEGINS!!


7 posted on 04/18/2009 4:58:25 PM PDT by gwilhelm56 (Orwell's 1984 - To Conservatives, a WARNING - to Liberals, a TEXTBOOK!)
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To: catnipman

I though John Semmens wrote this at first!


8 posted on 04/18/2009 5:01:39 PM PDT by SWAMPSNIPER (THE SECOND AMENDMENT, A MATTER OF FACT, NOT A MATTER OF OPINION)
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To: joshhiggins

“I’m hoping this is satire, but it’s getting really hard to tell anymore.”

My thoughts exactly. However, this did cause extreme laughter on my part.


9 posted on 04/18/2009 5:03:49 PM PDT by tob2 (Fox News Fan)
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To: Red_Devil 232; Brad's Gramma; glock rocks

Bad timing RD232. NASCAR about to start on FOX...


10 posted on 04/18/2009 5:05:14 PM PDT by tubebender ( Large Reward offered for missing Tag line. Last seen heading East with notorious Beau the Black Lab)
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To: catnipman
Soetoro has a plan for "green jobs" and the position is titled PEASANT!
11 posted on 04/18/2009 5:06:19 PM PDT by Obamageddon ("I'm outraged that we tortured detainees with Caterpillars rather than Camel Spiders!")
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To: catnipman

Is this satire?


12 posted on 04/18/2009 5:07:06 PM PDT by autumnraine (Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose- Kris Kristoferrson)
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To: catnipman

Great post! Thanks for sharing.


13 posted on 04/18/2009 5:09:43 PM PDT by GOPJ (The New York Times can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of anyone- bow to Lincoln)
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To: catnipman

Next up, Federal regulation of breathing, which is a major source of CO2.


14 posted on 04/18/2009 5:14:13 PM PDT by Hugin (GSA! (Goodbye sweet America))
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To: tubebender

If they are racing on a dirt track it will be banned also!


15 posted on 04/18/2009 5:18:07 PM PDT by Red_Devil 232 (VietVet - USMC All Ready On The Right? All Ready On The Left? All Ready On The Firing Line!)
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To: catnipman
HA!
16 posted on 04/18/2009 5:29:42 PM PDT by HiTech RedNeck (Beat a better path, and the world will build a mousetrap at your door.)
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To: gwilhelm56

How true.


17 posted on 04/18/2009 5:30:27 PM PDT by callisto (It's the three T's, stupid: Too Many Taxes, Trillions in Debt, and Transparency)
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To: joshhiggins

I’m hoping this is satire, but it’s getting really hard to tell anymore.
****
I’m with you!! It’s getting so ridiculous, you can’t tell the difference anymore and expect anything regardless of how insane!!


18 posted on 04/18/2009 5:32:44 PM PDT by briarbey b (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Hugin

Next up, Federal regulation of breathing, which is a major source of CO2.

It wouldn't suprise me if they started taxing the air we breath. The average person takes 6.3 million breathes per year. I can see them charging 100 dollars per one million breathes. Part of the cap and trade program for all the CO2 exhales we release into the atmosphere..

19 posted on 04/18/2009 5:38:33 PM PDT by dancusa (The word "racist" is a magic shield word that's supposed to stop any dissent.)
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To: joshhiggins
I'm hoping this is satire, but it's getting really hard to tell anymore.

Sure is. King Obama is the kind of an a@@ he would try anything.

20 posted on 04/18/2009 5:49:48 PM PDT by Logical me (Oh, well!!!)
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To: catnipman

You know, it is totally sad when you can’t tell the difference between satire and something this pimple on the a** of the people who sits in the WH would actually do.


21 posted on 04/18/2009 5:52:08 PM PDT by calex59
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To: catnipman
Excellent satire and very good analogy. Made me chuckle a lot.

Urban Hydroponic Highrises are being seriously proposed, though:

There are a lot of people who think we should grow our food right in our cities in such factories.

22 posted on 04/18/2009 5:53:14 PM PDT by ProtectOurFreedom
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To: catnipman; Diana in Wisconsin; gardengirl; girlangler; SunkenCiv; HungarianGypsy; Gabz; ...

Gardening Ping.........

If this wasn’t so close to the truth about some stuff I would say this is hilarious, which of course it is.............but I think you all get my drift!


23 posted on 04/18/2009 5:56:39 PM PDT by Gabz
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To: Red_Devil 232; AdmSmith; Berosus; Convert from ECUSA; dervish; Ernest_at_the_Beach; Fred Nerks; ...
In a surprise move today, the Obama Administration announced newly proposed rules that prohibit food from being grown in dirt because of the danger of salmonella contamination.
Gotta be satire.
24 posted on 04/18/2009 6:00:45 PM PDT by SunkenCiv (https://secure.freerepublic.com/donate/____________________ Profile updated Monday, January 12, 2009)
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To: SunkenCiv
Yep Satire. Funny if it were not so believable.
25 posted on 04/18/2009 6:19:31 PM PDT by Red_Devil 232 (VietVet - USMC All Ready On The Right? All Ready On The Left? All Ready On The Firing Line!)
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To: Gabz; All
"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) backed the plan, jumping up and down and clapping her hands wildly in her little green cheerleader’s outfit."
26 posted on 04/18/2009 6:28:08 PM PDT by Diana in Wisconsin (Save The Earth. It's The Only Planet With Chocolate.)
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To: Gabz
Well I do not think people ought to be giving these control freaks any ideas. There just might be some lobbyist willing to fund some liberal who worships dirt to outlaw US from using dirt in vain. Or at least without some form of a ‘dirt’ tax. ‘You know’ I have been calling the greenie wacked out enviros dirt worshippers for nigh on to twenty years now.
27 posted on 04/18/2009 6:32:43 PM PDT by Just mythoughts (Bama and Company are reenacting the Pharaoh as told by Moses in Genesis!!!!!)
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To: Gabz

Sad state of affairs that this is so plausible.

As for me, give me dirt. I was out in it all day today, and I’m still alive.

Will wonders never cease....


28 posted on 04/18/2009 6:47:10 PM PDT by metmom (Welfare was never meant to be a career choice.)
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To: Diana in Wisconsin

Too funny!!!!!!!!!!


29 posted on 04/18/2009 6:48:17 PM PDT by Gabz
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To: Just mythoughts

Well the dirt worshippers are calling me an abuser about now.......I’ve been digging dirt out from under my nails with a pocket knife. Don’t hurt me none, but I can just hear those clods screaming!!!!!!!


30 posted on 04/18/2009 6:49:53 PM PDT by Gabz
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To: metmom

That’s what’s so scary -— it now actually is plausible.

I didn’t spend anywhere near as much time in the dirt as I would have liked to have done today, and will have even less time tomorrow -— but I got my fair share of diggin’ in today!


31 posted on 04/18/2009 6:53:39 PM PDT by Gabz
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To: Gabz

“I’ve been digging dirt out from under my nails with a pocket knife.”

I do that at work, LOL! I call my jack knife a ‘pig sticker’ to upset the liberals I work with. My life is so FOREIGN to them that I’m certain they think I drown kittens in a sack for fun on a Saturday night, LOL!

(Actually, I check in here, then I drop like a rock into bed!)


32 posted on 04/18/2009 6:56:56 PM PDT by Diana in Wisconsin (Save The Earth. It's The Only Planet With Chocolate.)
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To: catnipman
the danger of salmonella contamination

Perchance is this supposed to be tetanus?

33 posted on 04/18/2009 7:00:56 PM PDT by FourPeas (I am the pink flamingo on the great lawn of life.)
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To: catnipman
"unlike dirt, which he noted was brown and dirty, and that millions of high-paid green jobs would result"

I solemnly vow to only grow stuff in white "clean" soil.
I promise to only grow green stuff.

Where's my check? When do I get paid?

34 posted on 04/18/2009 7:08:54 PM PDT by 1_Rain_Drop
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To: catnipman

YOU ARE NUTS OBAMA!!!!! YOU NEED TO LOOK UP WHAT CAUSES SALMENOLLEA!!


35 posted on 04/18/2009 7:11:29 PM PDT by angelcindy ("If you follow the crowd,you get no further than the crowd")
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To: Red_Devil 232

Maybe the stimulus plans provide seed money for research.

[rimshot!]


36 posted on 04/18/2009 7:34:38 PM PDT by SunkenCiv (https://secure.freerepublic.com/donate/____________________ Profile updated Monday, January 12, 2009)
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To: catnipman

Simple yet merciless critique of big government bull. Well done.


37 posted on 04/18/2009 7:46:06 PM PDT by Earthdweller (Socialism makes you feel better about oppressing people.....)
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To: Gabz

Thanks for giving us the dirt on the food issue, Gabz.


38 posted on 04/19/2009 7:08:48 AM PDT by tob2 (Fox News Fan)
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To: Red_Devil 232
Just finished planting okra, cucumber and poles beans this weekend, plus setting out 12 tomato plants. Corn, peppers, eggplant, cantaloupe and watermelon left to plant. Onions, peas, cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, brussel sprout, lettuce, spinach, cabbage, beets, bush beans, squash, are up / in the ground and growing.

The dirt made me do it!! I'm addicted to home made compost. It's bad. BTW, how's Michelle's plot doing? Where's the pics?

39 posted on 04/19/2009 10:55:50 PM PDT by RSmithOpt (Liberalism: Highway to Hell)
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To: metmom

Your lucky to be alive! Did you know that EVERYONE who has ever died has eaten food GROW IN DIRT? It’s an epidemicand MUST BE STOPPED!!!!

obama please help us!


40 posted on 04/19/2009 11:08:18 PM PDT by bakoj
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To: bakoj

Well, what do you expect when the chemicals used on that dirt contain dihydrogen monoxide?


41 posted on 04/20/2009 5:48:03 AM PDT by metmom (Welfare was never meant to be a career choice.)
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