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THE ONION SHUTS DOWN: "NO MORE SATIRE POSSIBLE"
Lazamataz created this | April 17, 2010 | By Lazamataz

Posted on 04/18/2010 6:27:37 AM PDT by Lazamataz

The Onion, the United States oldest and most revered satirical newspaper, first published in 1756, has announced that they will close their website and cease all publishing activities, effective immediately.

Said the owner, "No more satire is possible. Nothing can beat the outrageousness of what comes out of Washington today. In a sentence: We are plum out of satire."

Satirical headlines planned by The Onion, such as "Pelosi: Pass Health Care To Find Out What Is In It", "Major Tax Increases To Reverse Recession", and "Obama Bows To Communist Leader", have been superceded by actual news headlines, causing these satirical headlines and corresponding articles to be pulled.

"I was working on this great concept: Obama would win the Nobel Peace Prize within a few weeks of being inaugerated, " said Abe Iggoof, writer for The Onion, "Then it happened."

The National Security Agency monitors Satirical Possibility Quotient, which is the ability to create satire in the United States. Occurances of satire being superceded by real events, it reported, happened at least 189 times from 2009 to 2001, causing the SPQ to plummet to an all-time low of -75.54. Dr. N. Umber Kruntcher, analyst for the NSA SPQ program, testified before the Satire Investigation Panel commissioned by Congress that it made satire nearly impossible.

"How can I work", lamented Sil E. Gouse, "Every time I get a great idea, it's a lead story on MSNBC. I mean, I was going to write something about how the unpopularity of Health Care Reform was a driving factor in its passing, and the next day MSNBC lead with 'Pelosi: Unpopularity of Health Reform Very Positive For Lawmakers'."

The ability to be satirical is projected to plunge further in 2010, said The Onion's owner, making The Onion an unviable business proposition. Bankruptcy has been filed as of Thursday, April 15, and the assets of the firm will be auctioned in the next two months.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: chat; lazamataz; onion; satire; theonion; vanity
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Comment #101 Removed by Moderator

To: Springman

You missed this today.


102 posted on 04/18/2010 5:23:11 PM PDT by writer33 (Mark Levin Is The Constitutional Engine Of Conservatism)
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To: writer33; Lazamataz

Laz wrote something other than about sex damn!!!

Laz this is good!!!


103 posted on 04/18/2010 5:31:41 PM PDT by Springman (Rest In Peace YaYa123 and Westlander)
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To: hole_n_one
but I'm having trouble with the name Abe Iggoof.

Say it out loud.

Abe Iggoof.

A Big Goof.

104 posted on 04/18/2010 5:37:50 PM PDT by Lazamataz ("We beat the Soviet Union. Then we became them." -- Lazamataz, 2005)
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To: Lazamataz

Who needs satire anyway, the jokes out of Washington write themselves..


105 posted on 04/18/2010 5:43:01 PM PDT by vigilante2 (2296)
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To: Lazamataz; writer33
Lazmataz created this?
106 posted on 04/18/2010 5:55:20 PM PDT by NYTexan (Texans just don't suffer fools gladly)
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To: NYTexan

Yep, an original creation from the one and only Lazamataz.


107 posted on 04/18/2010 5:57:46 PM PDT by writer33 (Mark Levin Is The Constitutional Engine Of Conservatism)
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To: writer33

Any ref. to him at that link?


108 posted on 04/18/2010 5:59:52 PM PDT by NYTexan (Texans just don't suffer fools gladly)
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To: NYTexan

That’s the first I’ve seen it. I didn’t see that, but it did link back to FR.


109 posted on 04/18/2010 6:00:33 PM PDT by writer33 (Mark Levin Is The Constitutional Engine Of Conservatism)
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To: xp38

“How is this for nutty? Icelandic Volcano spews and shuts down Europe. Global Warming blamed.”

Very good.


110 posted on 04/18/2010 6:03:14 PM PDT by HereInTheHeartland (Chairman Mao was a community organizer)
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To: NYTexan

I did but apparantly wasn’t credited.


111 posted on 04/18/2010 6:06:06 PM PDT by Lazamataz ("We beat the Soviet Union. Then we became them." -- Lazamataz, 2005)
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To: Lazamataz
No more satire is possible.

Humor is next.

112 posted on 04/18/2010 6:11:44 PM PDT by EternalVigilance (No sane man loves war. But all decent men realize there can be no peace with tyrants or terrorists.)
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To: Lazamataz

I’d sue the bastages!


113 posted on 04/18/2010 6:12:20 PM PDT by NYTexan (Texans just don't suffer fools gladly)
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To: NYTexan

Naw, just a gentle reminder to credit me. :)


114 posted on 04/18/2010 6:13:11 PM PDT by Lazamataz ("We beat the Soviet Union. Then we became them." -- Lazamataz, 2005)
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To: Lazamataz
After that, jocularity.

It's Obama's three-legged stool.

115 posted on 04/18/2010 6:13:12 PM PDT by EternalVigilance (No sane man loves war. But all decent men realize there can be no peace with tyrants or terrorists.)
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To: EternalVigilance
Humor is next.

Someday I'll blindly stumble on one funny thing to say.

116 posted on 04/18/2010 6:14:00 PM PDT by Lazamataz ("We beat the Soviet Union. Then we became them." -- Lazamataz, 2005)
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To: Lazamataz

I’d hit it.


117 posted on 04/18/2010 6:16:14 PM PDT by Sloth (Civil disobedience? I'm afraid only the uncivil kind is going to cut it this time.)
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To: Lazamataz

Kudos, dude...


118 posted on 04/18/2010 6:17:42 PM PDT by ken5050 (Save the Earth..It's the only planet with chocolate!!!)
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To: Lazamataz

Better not. They’ll arrest you.


119 posted on 04/18/2010 6:18:49 PM PDT by EternalVigilance (No sane man loves war. But all decent men realize there can be no peace with tyrants or terrorists.)
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To: Lazamataz

Its funny because its true.


120 posted on 04/18/2010 6:47:47 PM PDT by TheVitaminPress (as goes the Second Amendment . . . so goes the Constitution.)
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