BOB HOPE JOKES

THE LAST CHRISTMAS SHOW | 7/28/03 | SELF

[Skyleader]

If you wonder why I'm here in Vietnam- well, Humphrey bumper stickers are a lot harder to get off than I thought.

I liked the weather this morning. I took a brisk walk. It made me feel so good, tomorrow I may try it outside.

At first I thought the Japanese people knew me when we arrived, but then someone explained that hissing is a national custom.

And the Japanese people are so polite. I'm not used to all this bowing. I've been here five days and I haven't seen anyone's face yet.

By the way the war's going doesn't bother the Russians. They just run the newsreels backward and it looks like the North Koreans are advancing.

My grandfather was a naval hero. He once shouted, "I have not yet begun to fight." And you know, he never did. You probably remember him, Admiral Tuna, the Chicken of the Sea.

I've figured out why the Koreans wear the weird-looking double-decker hats they do. The upper deck has a rock in it to keep the man under it from blowing away.

We flew up here in a C-118. That's not the model number. That's the year it was built. The no smoking sign was in Latin. We thought they were kidding until the pilot came on wearing a toga and sandals. I don't know how old the plane was, but Lindbergh's lunch was still on the seat. And the plumbing was outdoors.

The Defense Department asked me to go to Greenland. I called Jayne Mansfield and asked her to come along with me. "It sounds so wonderful, Bob" she breathed, "I've never been to South America before."

Those Turkish cigarettes sure stunt your growth. I took one dray and had to reach up for the ask tray.

Its a thrill to be here on the USS Crapgame. The Navy calls it Shangri-La, but that's just for the winners. I've never seen such action. I sat down at a mess table and the sugar cubes had numbers on them.

In 1965 the girls who accompanied the Hope troop went on an insignia scavenger hunt. Carroll Baker unpinned the Cross from a Chaplains uniform. She looked at the object quizically and asked "What rank are you?".

As Hope and Vic Damone looked out the cockpit of the plane as it was approaching Pleiku, home of the 4th Infantry Division, Damone asked "What are those puffs of smoke down there? Artillery fire?" Bob answered, "No, they're just burning de Gaulle's picture."

There was the story of the murderer who had been sentenced to the electric chari. Hir lawyer came to tell him that every appeal had been exhausted. The governor had turned down his plea for clemency. "What should I do?" the condemned man asked. The lawyer was reduced to one final bit of advice: "Don't sit down."

[New Horizon]

In England, I was the youngest of five boys. After they had me, Mum and Daddy never spoke to each other again.
I was Mom’s favorite, though. She was always playing with me and tossing me in the air… What fun it would have been if one day she would’ve caught me.
There were so many in my family, I was eight years old before it was my turn in the bathroom.
In all there were seven brothers. That’s how I learned to dance . . . waiting for my turn in the bathroom.
We had the only bathroom in the neighborhood with a revolving door.
I wore hand-me-downs all my life. By the time the trousers got to me, they were so worn that I could sit on a dime and tell you if it was heads or tails.
And by the time my younger brother got them, he could do the same thing sitting on a dollar bill.
The seat of the trousers got so shiny, we’d hang them on the bedpost and they’d double as a night-light.
In those days, shoes were a status symbol!
I came from a very big family. Four of us slept in the same bed. When we got cold, Mother threw on another brother.
With so many boys, my father bought us a dachshund so we could all pet him at the same time.

[TomGuy]

FoxNews just reported that some 80,000 of his jokes will be in the Library of Congress files.

That is a lot of material he accumulated over the decades.

A lot of memories, for sure.

[wasp69]

As Hope and Vic Damone looked out the cockpit of the plane as it was approaching Pleiku, home of the 4th Infantry Division, Damone asked "What are those puffs of smoke down there? Artillery fire?" Bob answered, "No, they're just burning de Gaulle's picture."

Niiiiice!

[mass55th]

Thanks for the memories. He was one of a kind.

[Stand Watch Listen]

[nyconse]

Just heard on CNN that Bob Hope has died. Didn't hear the whole report. I have not heard it anywhere else.

[TomGuy]

FoxNews entertainment reporter just corrected himself:

It isn't 89,000 jokes that will be in the L of C; it is 89,000 PAGES of jokes.

WOW!

[wimpycat]

MSNBC was the first to break the story a little after 9:00 this morning (eastern time).

[Skyleader]

Ref your reply...

Q. What did Bob Hope get for his hundredth birthday?
A. Dead. [Get it?]

I DON'T THINK AMERICA SHARES YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.

[woofie]

Thanks for the post

[Texas Mom]

FoxNews just reported that some 80,000 of his jokes will be in the Library of Congress files.

And all are fit for any audience. No four letter words or inuendo like todays so called commedians.

[Archie Bunker on steroids]

Is CNN still on the air?

[LibKill]

Don't quit the day job, you will starve.

[Moby Grape]

In his early twenties, Bob Hope tried a short stint as a professional boxer...he said that he did so much backing up in the ring that he had to wear rear-view mirrors......he said he could have won more fights if the referee had stopped stepping on his hands.

[nyconse]

I am so sorry to hear this. I love Bob Hope. I hope he's telling a few jokes to St. Peter and setting up for a round of golf with his buddies who went before him.

This is a little off topic, but did you hear Drudge last night? He says that CBS is doing a hit piece on Reagan that will hurt and embarrass Nancy Reagan (James Brolin as Reagan). He described the script as explosive.

[woofie]

I didnt like # 9 either....

[nyconse]

Yeah, I click by it sometimes: don't stop long. LOL

[Focault's Pendulum]

It isn't 89,000 jokes that will be in the L of C; it is 89,000 PAGES of jokes.

And according to BobHope...he stole 88,999 of them.

RIP Mr. Hope.