Comic's CD turns laughs on telemarketers

Post and Courier Charleston ^ | August 12, 2003

[gitmo]

The federal government's do-not-call list has saved millions of Americans from pesky telemarketers, but Tom Mabe had to take it one step further.

The comedian and jingle-writer goes on the offensive on "A Wake-Up Call for Telemarketers," his CD being released today. Last year, Mabe traveled to Washington, D.C., for a telemarketers convention and stayed at their hotel. He waited until the wee hours of the morning -- and started dialing.

Telemarketer: "Hello. Hello."

Mabe: "Hi, this is Tom Mabe. I'm calling on behalf of the Telemarketers With Insomnia Foundation. How are you doing this evening sir?"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Mabe: "This is Tom Mabe. I'm calling with the Telemarketers With Insomnia Foundation. We call you at this hour only so you can better understand what these poor telemarketers with insomnia go through."

Telemarketer: "You're an idiot."

Mabe: "Sir with your help, we can help some of these telemarketers get some rest."

Telemarketer: "You're an absolute idiot."

Mabe: "I don't appreciate you calling me an idiot."

Telemarketer: "Well I don't appreciate being called at this hour. You're an idiot."

Mabe manages to ask the increasingly agitated victim for his credit card number before the phone slams down.

While Mabe, 36, was commuting from his Louisville, Ky., home to Nashville, Tenn., to write jingles and television theme songs, he said most of his inspiration struck at night, leaving him to sleep during the day.

When the phone rang, almost every call was from a telemarketer.

"They wouldn't take no for an answer," Mabe said. "I tried to be nice but nothing worked."

Eventually, Mabe started luring telemarketers into embarrassing and awkward situations with his quick tongue, which provided the material for his first two comedy CDs.

He revisits the gag on his new disc. Mabe asks one caller to wait a moment while he sees who is at the door. Listeners then hear Christmas carolers, followed by a series of shotgun blasts and murderous shrieks.

Mabe then asks the confused telemarketer -- who was selling a service that pays your credit card bill if you are incapacitated -- if the system works for people in prison.

"Telemarketers tell you that they are just doing their job, but some of them will rip you off," he said. Anyway, "telemarketers hate telemarketers."

[gitmo]

How sweet it is!

[John Jorsett]

I heard an interview with him. He said that during the telemarketer convention, he looked out his hotel room window in the middle of the night and saw a video store that the cops were searching because the burglar alarm had gone off. He looked the store's phone number up in the phone book and called it. When a cop picked up, he said, "Dude! Get out now, there's cops all over the place!" Funny stuff.

[Servant of the Nine]

I'm ordering one today

The shotgunning of the carolers is priceless.

So9

[gitmo]

LOL

[Slings and Arrows]

Ping!

[gitmo]

I led on a telemarketer who was selling me home siding. I got more and more excited on the phone. I asked every imagineable question about his product. Eventually, the guy asked me what kind of house I owned. I paused, and said "What do you mean?" I explained that I lived in an apartment building.

He hung up on me.

[gitmo]

I love your profile page!

[John Jorsett]

I love your profile page!

Thanks. I don't know what I'll do once our governor is gone; he's been such an inspiration to my muse.

[RandallFlagg]

--How can you tell if someone's a FReeper?

--When the telemarketer asks what home security system you have, you answer, "I use the (insert firearm manufacturer's name here)system to protect my home."

[capt. norm]

If you ever get a chance, listen to the one where a telemarketer selling funeral plots calls him and Mabe tell the telemarketer that he was thinking about commiting suicide and that he viewed the call as a sign from God to go ahead and do it.

From there on, the poor telemarketer goes back-pedalling trying to talk him out of it.

[gitmo]

California is rich comedy territory! PETA, BS, ... the list goes on.

[Salman]

I did something similar once. A telemarketer called and asked for Mrs Salman. There is no Mrs Salman. I put the phone down without hanging up and put on my best Arab accent. Then I started shouting "Who is this MAN who keeps calling you?" repeating it louder each time. Then I made slapping sounds accompanied by high pitched screams.

When I picked up the phone again there was no one there.

[DeFault User]

Another fellow from Texas does the same sort of thing. He got a carpet cleaning service sales rep going, asking whether their process would remove blood. "Oh, yes sir."
--Can you take it off the walls and ceilings too?

More questions/answers followed. Soon the sales rep was convinced he was talking to a mass murderer.

He did it again with a funeral home asking whether he could get a cheap funeral for his grandma. The reply was $1200. He pressed the rep to give him installments, $100 per month or such. No deal. He then told the rep they would just have to keep her in the freezer like they had for the past 10 days until they found a funeral home that would take payments on the installment plan.

[glock rocks]

Tom Mabe takes the carpet cleaner call...

[4mycountry]

LOL! My mom really did that once but she is just a lurker!!

[Dutchgirl]

Looking over the other posts and ltip.

[dixiechick2000]

This is right up your alley.

[Sofa King]

If I ever got one of those calls, I think I'd try to sell HIM something.

[redheadtoo]

My father had a telamarketer tell him that he had won a prize. My father said, "Thank you," and hung up. The flustered telemarker called back to say, "Sir, I'm not finished yet!"

[cake_crumb]

When telemarkers became a problem, hubby would frequently insist on answering the phone wherever we were.

I remember two of his best: one simple one where he answered the phone "Hello, (your region here) Police barracks, may I help you" - which usually left them sputtering and apologizing - and the "House of Sex, what would you like, big boy..." which also left them sputtering and apologizing.