THE RIGHT WAY TO ACT WHEN YOU MEET JESUS. . . AND STAY ON HIS GOOD SIDE!

The Weekly World News ^ | 11/21/2001 | Unknown

[Alex Murphy]

Most biblical scholars agree that the Second Coming of Jesus is just around the corner, with the Son of God likely to return to Earth as early as December. And a new book by a top Bible expert tells how to conduct themselves in His presence.

"If you are lucky enough to meet Jesus in person, you want to make the best impression possible," declares the Rev. Keith Pithe, author of of the exciting new book A Godly Manner.

Here are some of the common Second Coming etiquette, followed by the Rev. Pithe's answers:

• How do I address Jesus? Master, My Lord or Father are the most appropriate forms of address. But the down-to-Earth former carpenter won't be offended if you call him by his given name, Jesus. It goes without saying that ugly and profane derivatives such as "Jesus K. Reist" are unacceptable.

• May I touch Him? Don't be afraid of touching God's flesh and blood incarnation.

  Warmhearted Jesus always loved to be hugged and embraced, especially by children. A simple handshake is acceptable, too. But don't try too hard to impress the Savior with how "manly" your grip is. Squeezing Christ's palms could irritate his crucifixion wounds.

• How should I show my reverence? Bowing is fine, genuflecting is better. Prostrating yourself to kiss His feet is not advisable when there are others around who wish to adore the Messiah - because unless you're extremely fit, it takes too long to get up. Remember, hogging time with the Lord is not fair.

• Should I ask Him for help? Yes, if you have a problem, there's nothing wrong with asking Jesus for aid. No matter how many others are bending His ears with requests, He will take your prayers seriously, just as He does while up in Heaven. Just try to be as concise as possible.

  May I complain? You might have a beef about the way things are going in your life, and you may hold God to blame. But before you shoot off your mouth, remind yourself that Judgement Day is due to arrive soon after the Second Coming, and you want to stay on His good side.

• May I invite Him to dinner? Certainly. In Christ's time, such an invitation would be considered normal, and He often dined at the homes of followers. But consult a kosher cookbook when putting together your menu.

  "Our Lord will undoubtedly abide by the dietary restrictions outlined in the Old Testament," says the Atlanta-based Rev. Pithe.

  What if His table manners are odd? Modern utensils may not be familiar to Jesus, who was raised in ancient Palestine. Don't be surprised if He appears uncomfortable using a fork and table knife.

  Don't attempt to correct Him, just quietly show him the correct way by example.

• Is it O.K. to make a joke? Yes. Jesus has a wonderful sense of humor, although it would be a good idea to keep your jokes clean.

  If Christ cracks a joke Himself, don't feel compelled to laugh if you don't get it.

  Says Rev. Pithe, "Jesus can spot a phony a mile away."

[Alex Murphy]

"Most biblical scholars agree that the Second Coming of Jesus is just around the corner, with the Son of God likely to return to Earth as early as December" - December 2001, that is, per the original publication date of the article.

[Gamecock]

Wow! Thanks for the post. I wouldn't want to commit a faux pas around The Lamb.

I wonder if anyone else might have a tip or two on the proper way to behave

[Adder]

I would probably not invite him over for a screening of the Life of Brian...tho he might find the last song catchy....

[RonF]

Wow! Thanks for the post. I wouldn't want to commit a faux pas around The Lamb.

I wonder if serving the Lamb lamb would be a faux pas.

[Dr. Eckleburg]

This must be male humor. I, for one, am offended.

When Jesus comes for supper next Monday, right after football, I'm complaining to him about all of you.

We're having pizza.

[Alex Murphy]

We're having pizza.

With anchovies? Don't order the Meat Lovers' kind, unless you remember to ask Pizza Hut to hold the Canadian bacon and the sausage that night.

[Dr. Eckleburg]

Jesus prefers thin crust.

He may be divine, but He watches the scale, too. Thirty-three is not 23.

Don't we know it, eh?

[Gamecock]

hold the Canadian bacon and the sausage that night.

Now see! Those are good tips! Any other ideas?

[suzyjaruki]

I hope it's not on a Sunday. I wouldn't want to have to ask Him to come to church with me. He might be offended by someone's comments or worse He might not agree with the doctrine!

[the invisib1e hand]

You might want to ask Mrs. Betty Bowers.

[bonfire]

Ditto here. If he shows up this Sunday I guess I won't be checking out our local ECUSA church as I had planned!

[missyme]

I'm sorry if I was to meet Jesus, I would bow in praise and tell him how much he means to me how much I worship him and his word.

I would hope we would give Jesus the best of everything that is in the world, but Jesus would proably not want to be in the most glamorous place in the world he would be with the poor the sick the lonely, and that is where he would want us to place our values...

[HarleyD]

"How do I address Jesus? Master, My Lord or Father are the most appropriate forms of address."

Hmmmmmm....this raises a trinitrian problem. Is our Lord Jesus "the Father"? He says "I and the Father are one." but there is a distinction since the Son proceeds from the Father. And then there's that event where God the Father said, "This is my beloved Son...". Please hurry. Could someone QUICKLY clarify before I say something I shouldn't.

[Dr. Eckleburg]

"Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is." - 1 John 3:2.

Your post reminded me of a lovely sermon I found while floating through the internet the other day. It was truly comforting.

A GLIMPSE INTO ETERNITY by Dr. Erwin W. Lutzer

[Dr. Eckleburg]

Too late. 8~)

[bonfire]

He's with you?

[Dr. Eckleburg]

We have a spare room over the garage. He comes and goes whenever He likes.

[siunevada]

I wonder if anyone else might have a tip or two on the proper way to behave

17 When I caught sight of him, I fell down at his feet as though dead.

John and Ezekiel both seem to indicate you just act naturally.

[headsonpikes]

'Jesus is comimg'.

'Look busy'.

[Serb5150]

Another reason to love the Weekly World News.