Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
And yet you hang around with me, martin, CD, and presidio. :-)
"Being childless and having abortions are from the same root: selfishness. Period, end of story. If you could have, but do not have, kids, why waste the oxygen? I know this is harsh, but..."
You can only apply this attitude to someone whom you absolutely know to be childless for nothing but selfish "I don't want to take the time to care" reasons. The problem is that so many people who think like you apply this attitude to someone BEFORE understanding why they are childless. It may not stem from selfishness and isn't your business anyway. So don't assume that selfishness is the root, as you put it, when you just don't know.
And there is no evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, that child-free couples vote liberal.
You must have missed all the articles regarding the strongest indication of who voted for whom. Childless folks went for Kerry, while parents went for Bush.
In my opinion it's better to not have kids than to have kids and make a mess of the raising of them. Perhaps the people in the article don't feel as if they're cut out to be parents.
I agree that this couple opened the door to this discussion. However, I'm just not sure why people are so hostile to them choosing not to have kids. I don't really buy the idea that having kids is some sort of magical, wonderful thing. All it takes is a couple of drunk 16 year-olds and poor attention to birth-control.
In any event, these two do strike me as sort of whiny, but it is true that once your friends start having kids, your friendship is more or less over at that point.
To all the people calling these folks "selfish":
Do you think married people who don't want children should have them???
Stop and think for a moment.
LOL. I can certainly relate to that. I have figured that each week visiting them translates into six months of therapy. ;-)
Yep, same with the childless by choice friends that I have.
This is a propaganda thing.
The left wants to equate the childless "normal" couples (aka DINKs) with unable-to-produce children homosexual couples.
This is about making marriage not part of childraising
As for the woman complaining about not getting a party for not having children. Nobody is throwing her a party for NOT climbing Mount Everest either.
Selfish is right. Well, all of these couples had better get on board with open borders. We'll need illegals to have all the children who will work and pay taxes, in order to support social security in 20 years. Read Mark Steyn. Look at the enlightened Eurasian Empire and consider...
You don't know what kind of groups I'm referring to. I'm not talking about some sort of church group, or conservative couples. I never said being childless was a bad thing. I was referring to these little liberal coffee klatches where they all get together and pat themselves on the back for not having kids and being smarter than women who stay at home.
That's not for me to decide. For my own case, I have four children. I am praying that I have good daughter and son-in-laws. I am preparing for my emotional future. I want more than anything to be the type of person others will want to be around when I am old and feeble. Others can do what they wish. I, on the other hand, want to be surrounded by family on my deathbed.
"To all the people calling these folks "selfish":
Do you think married people who don't want children should have them???
Stop and think for a moment."
And do you really think that the only reason someone doesn't have kids is selfishness? Unless you have quotes straight from that person like those in the article, you can't know why someone is childless and cannot assume a selfish motive.
We're not kid people.
We could've related to that. I also didn't relish the idea of working, paying bills, and being responsible in general. Maturity comes with accepting that responsibility and is rarely there before it is needed. That said, we now have 9 children and I wouldn't choose a different lifestyle.
The term "most likely" may not be 100% accurate, but it does leave out many people. I have seen people decide to HAVE children for all the wrong reasons as well.
Bingo!
Seventh of nine children here. You don't see many such large families these days. Good luck Tax-Chick!
To do:
1. knock up girlfriend....
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