Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Which is unnecessary given that fish can easily be farmed.
More people means more pollution - live in any large city to witness this.
Go to an American city, then visit a third world city.
And I don't want to live on a planet that is wall to wall people
Remember that third world city you just visited? The one with horrendous air pollution and a river that is little more than a sewer? Compare that to any American city.
Those are your choices. You can choose not to reproduce children that will care about pollution and freedom. The rest of the world won't stop producing children that won't care about those things.
The future is wall-to-wall people. The question is, will they care to clean up pollution and give you religious freedom, or will they run raw sewage into the river and make you live under sharia law?
It's not really a concern, either way. As of 1999, the American fertility rate was 2.08 children per women, which is just a whisker below replacement levels.
There are indications that the American fertility rate is in the process of increasing slightly.
So, we're basically at replacement levels, maybe a bit under. We can certainly make up the shortfall, if any, with smart immigration. Currently, our high immigration rates mean that the American population is growing at above replacement levels. So, we could cut immigration substantially and still be at replacement level.
Other than paying for welfare programs, there is no reason to expand the American population.
Well, that's what happens when the parents don't provide consequences for bad behavior. On the other hand, certain things are just kids being kids (i.e. overturning drinks). The trick is to differentiate between truly unacceptable behavior and simple kid stuff. Parents should also know what venues are and are not appropriate for their children.
That being said, I cannot stand people who like to cluck their tongues and roll their eyes when I am discplining my child who may be acting up. I've had plenty of dirty looks from people who were watching as I removed my child from a store or restaurant because they wouldn't behave appropriately. Actually, one lady tried to tell me I was being mean because I wasn't allowing him to throw a tantrum in public. How weird.
If you don't have kids, or if the children in question are not yours, please don't criticize what a parent does to correct the behavior. (Unless we're talking outright abuse or neglect, which is defintely an exception. )
Two things that will never happen:
1) Birth rates will not be at replacement levels.
2) Our politics will never allow sensible or even sane immigration policies.
True, but irrelevant. The primary purpose of marriage is procreation and the raising of children. If either party is completely closed to procreation, the marriage is invalid-- similarly if both partners are closed to procreation.
It's not just a Catholic thing. We know through reason alone that procreation (and mutual care) is essential to marriage.
You have someone with you? Who's "we"?
I'm making a more general statement- it's better to hold off on having more children than to have a child when you are not financially able to provide for that child.
And, to a large extent, bringing a child into today's American society with no hope of having that child go to college is essentially consigning that child to a lifetime of poverty.
Some people shouldn't have children...selfish people make terrible parents.. just look at liberals..
I'd wait until you were done and then come up and thank you.
It could be worse... when one lady refused to discipline her daughter (a 6 year old) who was climbing up her, pulling her by the collar, and saying, "You WILL buy me that toy" my husband walked by saying, "You need to beat your kids more." Most women don't appreciate it when I tell them that story.
I know of a number of couples my age (mid-20s) who have no intention of having kids. Whatever floats their boat. Some people do it for selfish reasons, others just aren't "kid" people. I can respect that - better to not have children then to be pressured into having them and later resenting the poor kids.
We're planning to wait until at least our 2nd wedding anniversary to start our family. I need to finish my masters, we need to pay off my student loans and buy a home, and we need for him to be settled in his career. I realize in the eyes of many, waiting a while to have kids makes us selfish.
Oh, and I'm going to be a working mother, too. But I've been told repeatedly here that no good conservative woman should be anything but a homeschooling stay-at-home mom.
As a child of a 2-income couple, I never felt unloved or neglected simply because my mom and dad both worked full time. My parents still made it to our sporting events and band concerts, and my brother and I were very much loved. I genuinely don't get why the working mother is demonized by some conservatives.
My mouth would have been hanging open in shock. LOL. That certainly is an attention getter.
Not really. China and India are experiencing plunging fertility rates, with the rest of Asia experiencing the same, to a lesser extent. In a couple of decades, they will probably drop below replacement level. Africa is going to lose population due to AIDS and dropping fertility rates.
The word population will grow for the next few decades, level off and then start to decrease mid-century. There are few places that you're seeing an increase in fertility rates lately (with the notable, and surprising, exception of Russia).
I usually give dirty looks to parents who don't discipline their kids ;)
You won't ever catch me griping about the time I spend with my children. I love every minute of driving them to their various extracurricular practices and watching them develop their talents and skills. Not only that, I've gotten involved with their sports and musical events from an administrative angle which has helped me expand my own talents and skills, and even literally paid off when I got hired as the school musical director ;-).
We're almost there now. The US rate is 2.08 children per woman, while the theoretical replacement rate is 2.1.
2) Our politics will never allow sensible or even sane immigration policies.
Maybe not in the current political culture. I think this is a case of "it's going to have to get worse before it gets better."
Me, too. They make the rest of us look bad, LOL. Plus our kids. :(
It will probably be quite some time before I find someone and then have kids with them. But that won't stop me from writing a book about childcare! The title is "Hey, stop that! Now!" and it's the perfect parenting guide for people who could really care less about their kids, just as long as the kids aren't messing up the house.
There's a lot more to this story. I would consider this family a "success" in many ways. No, the kids would be the first to tell you that the meals were often lean, but the love was in abundance, and, by and large, they all turned out to be good people contributing to society.
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