Aviation Humor

[Gamecock]

Aviation Humor

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

[Polybius]

<< "Yah, yah, dat is right, but these Fokkers vas flyin' Messerschmitts!"

Now that is a funny joke. >>

Yep. HehHehHeh .... Was in 1914, too. When it first made the rounds of every RFC Officers' Mess.

Actually, Willi Messerschmitt founded his company in 1925 and Messerschmitts therefore did not exist during World War One. The first Messerschmitt fighter prototype was introduced in 1935 and the ME 109, in various production models, went on to become the fighter workhorse of the Luftwaffe in World War Two.

In 1914, the Fliegertruppen were flying Etrich Rumpler Taubes.

It was not until the summer of 1915 that the first Fokker Eindeckers arrrived at the front "und da Fokkers vas actually flyin' Fokkers." :-)

[MortMan]

Helicopter - noun - (1) 10,000 againg parts flying in formation around an oil leak, waiting for metal fatique to set in. (2) A nonsensical invention that doesn't actually fly; It beats the air into submission.

[forsnax5]

From an AirCal stew upon landing an LAX to SFO flight in the mid-60s:

"Thank you for flying AirCal flight 29, we hope you enjoyed your flight. If you did NOT enjoy your flight, this has been Hughes Air West flight 61..."

[AFreeBird]

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee

I swear I had a Navy pilot on a United flight into Charleston West Virginia. The only thing missing was the arresting wires.

[Johnny Gage]

Paging the Canteen's resident pilot and his co-pilot Otto.

[Aeronaut]

Thanks Johnny, these are fun!

[Chemist_Geek]

You know, one can just about do that at the Oscoda-Wurtsmith airport, with its 11800 X 300 foot runway...

[EGPWS]

My boy flys right seat for a major carrier. He tells me flying a 727 is no big deal. "Nothin to it dad, you only have to remember two things, push the yoke forward, the houses get bigger, pull it back, the houses get smaller."

Bwahaha, you beat me to it...definition of a jet engine... A fuel to noise generator that makes the houses look smaller!

[hchutch]

Late one afternoon, the Air Force guys out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilots story is that he took off out of Vegas, got lost and found the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. They Air Force starts a full FBI background check on the guy and hold him overnight. The next day they are finally convinced that the guy really was lost and is not a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you did not see a base" briefing complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. They say Vegas is that-a-way on this heading and send him off.

The next day, here comes the Cessna again. Once again the MPs surround the plane, only this time there are two people in the plane. The same pilot jumps out and says" do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night....."

---

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"

---

An Iraqi flying a Mirage F1 came upon a US EF-111A Raven at low level, and pursued it. As a bit of background to this, the Mirage is a reasonably decent aircraft at low level, but the EF-111A is something else. It's an unarmed electronic warfare version of the F-111 Aardvark, and has terrain following radar, which enables it to fly at Mach 1 or more, 60 metres above the ground (that's about 0.4 seconds away from the ground), while the pilot watches the view. It's one of the fastest aircraft in the world at low level. Maybe this Iraqi didn't know anything about the F-111, but he decided that it looked like an easy target, and pursued it at very low level.

The EF-111 crew were credited with a kill when the Iraqi (not surprisingly) slammed into the ground.

[Species8472]

[Robe]

Bookmark

[Fudd]

11800 X 300 foot runway...

What do they do there, launch B-52's in four-ship formations?

[Chemist_Geek]

11800 X 300 foot runway...

What do they do there, launch B-52's in four-ship formations?

They used to. No, really! It was a SAC base which closed in 1993 or 1994, and now it's an average GA airport.

With a honking big runway...

[Chemist_Geek]

Likely comment by the pilot:

Oops.

[bootless]

Hey there!

And now one from Cap'm Gwinn:

Airline Captain: So, son, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Boy: When I grow up, I want to be an an airline pilot!

Airline Captain: Sorry, son, you can't do both.

[snopercod]

Sorry, son, you can't do both. Very true. To fly, you have to love it like a child loves a dog.

[Brian Allen]

<< It was not until the summer of 1915 that the first Fokker Eindeckers ..... >>

Before and after that, they operated various models of Fokker bi-planes and Tri-Planes including the DR-1 and D-VII.

And although the life expectancy of a newly-posted-to-the-front RFC pilot was until tomorrow morning, the joke was already alive and well -- and survives still!

[Polybius]

<< It was not until the summer of 1915 that the first Fokker Eindeckers ..... >>

Before and after that, they operated various models of Fokker bi-planes and Tri-Planes including the DR-1 and D-VII.

Well.....ummmm.....No. There were no Fokkers in combat at the Front before 1915.

The Fokker E.I (derived from the Fokker M.5 experimental design) reached the Front in the summer of 1915 as the first armed German fighter.

It was not until early 1915 that the French pilot Roland Garros came up with the idea to fire a machine gune through the propellor by mounting steel delector plates on the blades. It was not until 1 April 1915 that Garros shot down a German Albatros B II reconnaissance aircraft to inaugurate the era of fighter aircraft. On 18 April 1915, Garros was forced to land behind enemy lines near Courtrai. His Morane-Saulnier aircraft was inspected by the Germans and his secret discovered.

Anthony Fokker, however, improved on Garros primitive deflectors by designing an interrupting mechanism that prevented the the gun from firing when the propellor was in the way. The mounting of this new technology on his Fokker E. I begat the first German fighter and the armed Fokker E.I reached the Front in the summer of 1915 inougurating the "Fokker Scourge".

The Fokker Dr. I (the famous triplane) did not go into production until the summer of 1917.

The Fokker D. VII went into production after the design won the competion for new fighter design at Aldershof airfield in January 1918.

Earlier Fokker biplanes from D.I through D. V, produced after the Fokker Eindecker's quickly became obsolete as they were outclassed by the Albatross D.I's and D.III's at the Front and were relegated mostly to rear line training duty. The later D.VI was quickly outclassed by the contemporaneous D.VII.

Before you continue debating me on the details of World War One aviation, it is only fair to warn you that I have had some of my material published in Over The Front: Journal of the League of World War One Aviation Historians :-)

[B4Ranch]

Polybius (200-118 B.C.), Universal History, Book I, Chapter 35

When did you first start writing? (grin)

Before you continue debating me on the details of World War One aviation, it is only fair to warn you that I have had some of my material published in Over The Front: Journal of the League of World War One Aviation Historians :-)

Congratulations and a sincere Thank you for your works.

Okay Brian, I was hoping to see this discussion continue. I know you're not as old as Polybius is, so tread carefully, my friend.

[B4Ranch]

Check out #69. The one about the Cobra make me spill my coffee....for the fourth time. I just love this thread.