Posted on 10/08/2002 6:00:35 PM PDT by Gamecock
Aviation Humor
Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
Well, if you have any particular questions about World War One aviation, FreepMail me and I will try to get you an answer.
And now, for your amusement, here is one of Anthony Fokker's wildest creations: The experimental Fokker V.8 with not two or three or even four but five wings. The design was not a success. Fokker flew it twice in short test hops and then ordered it scrapped. I take that to mean that V.8 tried to kill Tony. :-)
Keep the skills up for those 'so soft' landings! Atta Boy!
Aviation Definitions
180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.
A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like Gypsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoils - Swords used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed -
1. The speed of an airplane through the air.
2. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to an Air Force Pilot. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Caging the Gyro - Not too difficult with domestic species.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart -
1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from
food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides
interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock -
1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots.
2. Piece of wood the line boy slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.
Cockpit -
1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm.
2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wing.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport café.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.
Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach -
1. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing.
2. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Gross Weight -
1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S").
2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
Lazy 8 -
1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch.
2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Trim Tab -
1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.
2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Wing strut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.
I flew from San Diego to LAX one time (all of 15 minutes or so), and I hear this one:
"We would like to remind you that this is a nonsmoking flight. However, if you still feel that you must have a smoke, we kindly ask that you step outside before lighting up"
...during the second week they separate the men from the lunatics...
...and in the final week, the lunatics are given a parachute and thrown out of an airplane...
Aircraft to tower: What time is it?
Tower to aircraft: Please identify yourself.
Aircraft to tower: Why does that matter?
Tower to aircraft: What time it is depends on who you are.
If you're a commercial flight, it's 3:00 pm.
If you're Air Force, it's 1500 hours.
If you're a Navy aircraft, it's 6 bells.
If you're Army, the little hand is on the three and the big hand is on the twelve.
If you're a Marine, it's Thursday afternoon.
Later: Crashed an F-4 simulator at the end of the boom at the Johnsville Navy (now Warminster) centerfuge from 30 grand trying to come up with a viable spin recovery technique. They did come up with the fix..a window of opp. of 1 1/2 seconds to position the controls properly to avoid a continuation (or reversal) of the spin......Our charter service used to pick up volinteer Airline Captains at PHL, bring 'em up to our field and drive them over to Johnsville to fly the centerfuge simulator. They had a Boieng 720 simulator set up to investigate clear air turbulance technique (I flew that too). The pilot sat on a hydraulic 'shake table' to simulate the turbulance.(Shook so bad the panel was all a blurr). They did come up with a viable technique, but one night I was to pick up a BOAC captain, and we're cleared to takeoff on 09 and I looked down just before throttle advance, to remind the captain to 'fasten his seatbelt'.
Later: crashed in a one man hot air balloon (with two souls aboard) when the 'rip panel' ripped at 200 ft, exposing the inside air to the outside air, from the equator to the north pole. We 'landed' in 10 inches of snow with dents on our craniums from being hit with the burner, grabbing snow to put the burner out, and laughin' our arsess off. The experience was more like my first parachute jump.......
Then later: Landed a Twin Comanchee at Flushing, NY in a 50 K direct left X wind on the north runway. Snow blocked the use of the E-W runway, but they plowed it for my takeoff. First time I had to carry diferental power to keep her straight. Later upon return I was told (by "Speed" Hazlip himself) that the airport was closed due to high winds. I said my guys have their autos in your parking lot and I'm landing, which I did, this time more into the wind. ....
Still later: Landed at Charleston behind a C-5A which had just blown all (18?) tires. Auto brake didn't work.....
Much later: Used to do tail slides (and lumchevak's too) with my homebuilt PJ 260 (cover of Sport Aviation, Nov. 1968) One time, fell backwards too far before pushing (or pulling) on stick, stick got away from me, the backward falling airplane flipped and on recovery I found that it wanted to roll HARD to the right, took heavy pressure to keep it level,looked around and saw all four ailerons hanging down at about a 40 degree angle. Wouldn't turn to the left. The thought of leaving the airplane crossed my mind, but it did fly level, and I thought of all those 5000 man hours I spent on building it, so stayed with it. Had a real low touchdown speed with all those "flaps" hangin' out there. The problem: bent push rod. Bent the rudder too, a few times...finally determined that airplanes aren't supposed to be flown backwards. Duhhhh! Amazingly, the plane is now based in my home town in eastern PA still sporting the ORIGINAL DACRON I put on it in 1967 and it still passes the seboth tester!
Still later: Landed an Italian Waco (remember them?) right gear up (left and nose down). They had just repacked the oleo glands, tightened to nut too tight, on lift off the oleo didn't extend and upon gear up the tire didn't line up with the hole in the wing. The arm went beyond excentric, so no way to get it down. Foamed the runway. Flew the bird to home base the next day (gear down). A week later, the checked-out new owner flying solo did it again. I was overhead watching...no foam, this time. He left 'em all up, did a 360 on the runway, walked away (in disgust)..... I was the lightest guy (and the chief pilot) at our FBO so I had the 'privelege' of flying the birds out of all the forced landing fields other guys put 'em in. I'm an expert in wheat fields (after harvest...no sweat), aspargus, tomato fields, began to feel like a farmer!
Tailspin Mary has had some 'squeekers' too. I sent her on her last required SXC for private. She selected the west runway, did the runup but the wind shifted to favor the SW runway and I advised her on unicom to change, which she did, but forgot to slave the DG to the new runway heading. C-172 had no vac. pump, just venturi, so the DG had to be uncaged shortly after lift off, on runway heading. As soon as she took off I saw she was on the wrong heading, she didn't respond to my calls on unicom (changed freq?) and in about an hour and a half the phone rang, I said "yeah Mary, where are you?" When she said "Willow Grove Naval Air Station" I could just picture me driving a truck down there, dismanteling the plane and trucking it home. She had her long red hair stuffed under her baseball cap, and when she stopped the engine on the runway, with am MP pointing a howitzer at her and he began to inquire "where the f---k do you think you are, but before he could get the F--word out, she took her cap off, the red hair flowed down below her shoulders, the MP recovered his courtesy, and said "Miss, welcome to Willow Grove Naval Air Station." They introduced her to the C.O. who gave her a tour of the base, gassed the plane, fed her, and gave her a quick lesson in navigation, and sent her on her way. It pays to be a good lookin' redhead!
On another occasion, as a pvt pilot and she had gone to another local field to fly, she had carte-blanche to the hangar and go fly whenever she wanted. She decided to go night flying in a C- 172, destination Trenton. Clear night, little wind, took off, and near Trenton, flew into "a wall of fog", climbed to ten grand, still IMC, with only a couple of hrs. of hood time under her belt. Now in the Phila. area (she thinks), she starts flying triangles (remember them, to alert ATC you're in distress?) By this time, "balls" of fire were coming up toward her, really close,(said one passed between the wing and strut!) Finally raised McGuire AFB on 121.5 mhz and told them that she thought she was over the Ball Park at Phila. and that she could see 'fireworks' coming up from below. At that, the 'fireworks' (tracers) stopped, they sent an L-19 up to 'try' to lead her down, but everytime they told her to turn to a certain heading, the L-19 guy did the same and radar got 'em mixed up. Anyway, they vectored her to Trenton, she broke out at 600 ft, landed OK and enjoyed a cup of java with the boys in the tower. Turns out that President Eisenhower was a guest at the base that weekend.
Yes, the statute of limitations HAS run out. Yes, we've got some great memories, she and I, after a 25 year carreer in FBO flying, eating airport chicken, no IRA, paid vacations, benefits, I did a carreer change, got a 'real' job, retired and "miss it all to all get-out!. Eagles up, Keep em Flying!.....Jim
Groundloop: Precautionary 360 degree visual inspection of the airport immediately following landing.
I was always told there are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots. Is that true?
Air traffic controller 67 to 87.
Ok, it's later. ;>)
/john
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