Posted on 12/17/2018 10:03:19 AM PST by sodpoodle
*Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
*If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes,* *I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
I never did understand it neither.
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch The Sheriff asked,
"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
Here’s a Pacific NW joke: A newcomer to Seattle asks a kid if it ever stops raining here and the kid says “How do I know? I’m only six”
Giggle.
Now entering Kansas. Set watch back 40 years.
You may be interested in this thread. :-)
Cop: Didn’t you see that one way sign?
Driver: Yessir, I was only going one way.
Reminds me of the Dennis the Menace cartoon.
Dad is looking at the spare tire on the axle and the flat in the road.
Dennis is standing there with his slingshot.
“Well gee whiz. I figured you took them off so you didn’t need them no more.”
NINE SHOTS and the perp is still moving?!? Ain't no Southerner of mine!!!! 40 cal minimum, first to stop & second to end!
Some gal said “Oh - I'm getting off at that stop - just follow me.”
She gets out and we get out. My dad says “Well that sure was a nice coincidence that you had the same stop as us! Thank you!!”
“Oh - you're welcome. But my stop was about a mile back, but I knew that I couldn't explain where to get off. Have a great vacation!”
“He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.”
First clue that the joke was not made up by a Southerner. No Southerner never, ever, looks at an individual and addresses him/her as “Y’all”.
On occasion, if he does, it refers to the individual, directly, as a representative of a group, such as family, church members, etc.
“Oh - you’re welcome. But my stop was about a mile back, but I knew that I couldn’t explain where to get off. Have a great vacation!”
I was always told how rude New Yorkers were.
One morning when I was still commuting from New Jersey, I dropped a whole bunch of change somehow—on the ramp on the way to the shuttle train!
Everyone who saw that happen immediately ran to pick up as many coins as possible—and brought them back to me!
A few years ago I walked a group of tourists to Lincoln Center because I knew I wouldn’t be able to describe the intersection and how you would get to the Center from Broadway. But I was going that way anyway. Not so heroic.
One morning when I was still commuting from New Jersey, I dropped a whole bunch of change somehow—on the ramp on the way to the shuttle train!
Everyone who saw that happen immediately ran to pick up as many coins as possible—and brought them back to me!
Thanks for a few smiles amid a turbulent world.
The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor’s dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases. The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for six months while the California Fish and Game Department conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a ‘coyote awareness program’ for residents of the area. The Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training, re: the nature of coyotes. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and tries to attack him and his dog. The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.
The governor spent 50 cents on a .380-caliber, hollow-point cartridge. Buzzards ate the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
“but that New Jersey accent’s appalling.”
Yep, the only way I could date a Jersey chick was if she was mute.
I really don’t know whats worse, the NYC/NJ accents or Boston where it sounds like everyone talks through their nose, bite off sentences and swallow words whole.
I guess I just need to keep my mating habits south of the Potomac.
i don’t like this guy- but this bit about southerners was really funny:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swtJkovAP_k
Good one! (I like a happy ending)
If only it weren’t damn true.
Southern jokey thread.
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