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Decline in Shark Attacks Assailed [semi-satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Feb 2019 | John Semmens

Posted on 02/02/2019 9:47:34 AM PST by John Semmens

The latest report from the International Shark Attack File indicates that shark attacks on humans in 2018 declined by more than 20 percent from 2017 figures. Director of the Florida Museum of Natural History’s shark research program Gavin Naylor called the decrease “unusual. It may be because there are fewer sharks or maybe humans are being more cautious.”

US Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) cited the decrease as “frightening evidence of the devastating impact of unchecked climate change. Warming waters are making sharks more lethargic and less capable of fulfilling their role as apex predators atop the food chain. Unless we eliminate fossil-based fuels this baleful trend will likely continue to disrupt the environmental balance.”

Delegate Kathy Tran (D-Springfield), author of a bill that would legalize post-birth abortions in the State of Virginia, apologized for overlooking the human threat to sharks in her companion bill to protect canker worms and gypsy moths from human efforts to exterminate them. “Just because these creatures destroy forests doesn’t give us the right to practice genocide against them,” Tran asserted. “Sharks do even less damage. Some would even argue that their consumption of humans is beneficial to the environment.”

Tran promised to rework her bill to be “more inclusive in the protections offered to species whose only offense is disrespecting human preferences. For example, we have been waging decades of unlimited antibiotic warfare against bacteria in a callous disregard of their right to life. Well, now they will have a champion in me.”

In related news, Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) explained his support for Tran’s post-birth abortion bill, saying that “given the extreme stress put on the environment by human habitation it is imperative that we seize every opportunity to cull the human herd. Allowing mothers to terminate their own children strikes me as an appropriately humane way of both accomplishing this vital objective and securing the female vote for the Democratic Party’s candidates.” Northam’s perspective may have been inspired by Planned Parenthood Virginia PAC’s contribution of $2 million to aid his election in 2017.

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

https://azconservative.org/2019/02/02/decline-in-shark-attacks-assailed/


TOPICS: Government; Humor; Pets/Animals; Politics
KEYWORDS: abortion; democrats; environment; satire

1 posted on 02/02/2019 9:47:34 AM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

For more commentary on this:

https://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3724600/posts

One word: SHARKNADO!


2 posted on 02/02/2019 9:51:11 AM PST by rktman ( #My2ndAmend! ----- Enlisted in the Navy in '67 to protect folks rights to strip my rights. WTH?)
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To: John Semmens

LESS SHARK ATTACKS!! Trumps Fault, scientists agree.


3 posted on 02/02/2019 10:12:17 AM PST by BipolarBob (Occasional-Cortex " Just because I don't know what Armageddon means, it's not the end of the world".)
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To: BipolarBob

Does that a hole AOC not have a commie comment on anything?


4 posted on 02/02/2019 10:33:04 AM PST by Mouton (The media is the enemy of the people.)
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To: John Semmens

There’s a single/descriptive word for people who support and fail to RIDICULE the clueless/leftist DUNCE called AOC: STUPID.

Yours, TM78247


5 posted on 02/02/2019 2:56:00 PM PST by TMN78247 ("VICTORY or DEATH", William Barrett Travis, LtCol, comdt., Fortress of the Alamo, Bejar, 1836)
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To: BipolarBob
Well, a guy got bit by a shark today off Key Biscayne. Everybody happy 😁
6 posted on 02/02/2019 7:13:57 PM PST by Keyhopper (Indians had bad immigration laws)
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