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Joel Osteen Releases New Edition Of Bible With All Words Redacted
Babylon Bee ^ | 08/28/2022 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 08/28/2022 10:40:13 AM PDT by DFG

HOUSTON, TX — Houston pastor Joel Osteen has released an exciting new study Bible where he has carefully gone through and redacted every single word of the text: The Redacted Study Bible.

Osteen is calling the new edition of the Bible "the most transparent study Bible in history" and claims the redactions were made for your safety, comfort, health, and wealth. The pastor has personally gone through the Scriptures and blacked out every verse that made him feel uncomfortable, which is, well, all of them.

For example, Revelation 20:15 in the ESV says, "And if anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire." Osteen's version? "███ ██ ████████ ████ ███ ███ █████ ███████ █████ ████ ██ ████, ██ ███ ██████ ████ ███ ████ ██ ████." The pastor claims this version "goes down much easier."

"This Bible is much more encouraging," Osteen said in a YouTube video promoting the new edition of the Scriptures. "No longer do you have to worry about being confronted with your sin, God's wrath, or hell. You can finally live victoriously in the abundant life God has promised each one of us!"

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that Osteen had teased an update to The Redacted Study Bible where he's gone ahead and de-classified the words "favor", "victory", "riches", and "pride."


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; bible; osteen; redacted; revelation
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1 posted on 08/28/2022 10:40:13 AM PDT by DFG
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Comment #2 Removed by Moderator

To: DFG

Can I see a copy?


3 posted on 08/28/2022 10:43:22 AM PDT by Jim W N (MAGA by restoring the Gospel of the Grace of Christ (Jude 3) and our Free Constitutional Republic!)
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To: Jim W N
Can I see a copy?

Here's mine, I used white out:

4 posted on 08/28/2022 10:46:51 AM PDT by Hot Tabasco (Don't walk thru the watermelon patch)
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To: DFG

Although this is humor….unfortunately Democrats have already redacted most of the Bible….specifically The Ten Commandments! 🙏


5 posted on 08/28/2022 10:48:55 AM PDT by Brandonmark (Made America Great Again! 11.08.2016 - A DAY OF RENEWAL is a )
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To: Jim W N

I’m sure he’d send you an autographed copy for a nice donation.


6 posted on 08/28/2022 10:49:12 AM PDT by two-edged-sword
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To: DFG

Why is this parody? It’s already true. Total fraudster


7 posted on 08/28/2022 10:50:19 AM PDT by Hammerhead
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To: DFG

Osteen’s next project is to fund researchers who are looking for ways to put a camel through the eye of a needle…


8 posted on 08/28/2022 10:50:39 AM PDT by Apparatchik (If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away - Jim Ignatowski)
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To: DFG

These guys are the best.


9 posted on 08/28/2022 10:51:33 AM PDT by bray (The Vax is fake and deadly)
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To: Hot Tabasco
Here's mine, I used white out:

You, Tabasco, are scarily sarcastic. I like that in a fellow FReeper!

Reminds me though of an old computer aphorism; "On an empty disk, you can seek forever!"

10 posted on 08/28/2022 11:00:31 AM PDT by SES1066 (More & more it looks like Brandon's best decision was Kamala! UGH!)
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To: DFG

They make fun of him, but many pastors are silent on parts of the New Testament. It is just a question whether they use 60%, 80%, 90% or 95%.

There are the prosperity ministers and the loving ministers. Most ministers only make fun of the prosperity ministers.


11 posted on 08/28/2022 11:01:14 AM PDT by alternatives? (The only reason to have an army is to defend your borders.)
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To: alternatives?
Most ministers only make fun of the prosperity ministers.

it's all fun and games until you get thrown in a lake of fire.

12 posted on 08/28/2022 11:05:45 AM PDT by BipolarBob (Vote NOW!! to repeal the Second Law of Thermodynamics like your life depends on it.)
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To: CaptainCarrollton

Those books you mention aren’t considered inspired by the Holy Spirit, or included in the Canon of scripture but were often included for historical and moral teaching. Nobody removed them from the Bible.


13 posted on 08/28/2022 11:08:45 AM PDT by D_Idaho ("For we wrestle not against flesh and blood...")
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To: CaptainCarrollton

Always gotta be someone to stir the pot, huh?


14 posted on 08/28/2022 11:15:29 AM PDT by vpintheak (Live free, or die!)
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To: CaptainCarrollton

That is because they were not even present in the Hebrew Bible, the original source, so why would we keep them?


15 posted on 08/28/2022 11:22:37 AM PDT by nwrep
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To: DFG

I tuned into Osteen’s service this morning and he was praising Jesus, and inviting everyone to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

He may not be theologically correct on some matters but he is hitting the mark where he needs to and is a faithful servant of Christ, in my opinion.


16 posted on 08/28/2022 11:23:01 AM PDT by imabadboy99
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To: D_Idaho

It was for rather shaky reasons that some rejected these books as being part of the Bible. Luther also was tempted to exclude the book of James and the book of Revelation - he ultimately kept them but seemed to have remained critical of them - especially James. There was a church long before there was a Bible as we know it today.


17 posted on 08/28/2022 11:34:16 AM PDT by Wilhelm Tell (True or False? This is not a tag line.)
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To: CaptainCarrollton

Going to go after the Jews for keeping those books out of the Masoretic texts too?


18 posted on 08/28/2022 11:49:32 AM PDT by Olog-hai ("No Republican, no matter how liberal, is going to woo a Democratic vote." -- Ronald Reagan, 1960)
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To: DFG

Well, it’s much easier for the kids to memorize Bible verses with Olsteen’s version (not that the kids can read anyway).


19 posted on 08/28/2022 12:06:04 PM PDT by seowulf (Civilization begins with order, grows with liberty, and dies with chaos...Will Durant)
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To: DFG
Well, it is in keeping with his beliefs. *SMIRK*

Every generation gets their:


20 posted on 08/28/2022 12:22:20 PM PDT by Diana in Wisconsin (I don't have, 'Hobbies.' I'm developing a robust Post-Apocalyptic skill set. )
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