Free Republic

Have you ever noticed that Joe Biden has a funny way of speaking? From his endearing way of retelling events that never happened to his uncanny ability to make up new words on the spot, it's a fascinating testament to his abilities as a communicator. If only other presidents throughout history could do the same thing!The Babylon Bee is here to provide the following glimpse at what it would have been like if other presidents spoke like Joe Biden:"Four score and seven… eight hundred… sixty-five million… billion million… years… anyway…": Honest Abe spitting numbers Joe Biden style is how it...

One cheeky and brave raccoon decided to skip rummaging through the trash and go straight to the source: a McDonald’s in Scarborough. A video shared on TikTok has gone viral, showing a raccoon making rounds inside a McDonald’s as customers watch on. The person recording the video quickly makes friends with the raccoon as the animal takes an interest in his winter jacket before walking out of sight. An employee is then seen trying to shoo the animal outside just before the video ends.At one point in the now-viral clip, you can hear someone say, “Give him a burger,” which...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After the shock of a Special Counsel report that characterized the President as mentally incompetent to stand trial, Biden has joined the growing chorus of voices in calling for the President to step down. "President Hoover needs to do the right thing. He's in over his head. Can't even do his job right," said Biden to the nurse administering him his daily medications. "Eisenhower is an honorable man, and he needs to do the honorable thing. I was speaking with Emperor Hirohito about it just last Saturwednesday. Blamflibbernuzzit!" At publishing time, Republicans had drafted a resolution in...

PARIS — Leonardo DaVinci's famous Mona Lisa has reportedly been retrofitted with laser eyes by security at the Louvre in response to attacks by activists attempting to vandalize the painting for attention. "Visitors have always remarked how Mona Lisa seems to be looking at them wherever they are standing," said Louvre head of security Dominique Javert while eating a baguette and smoking a cigarette in one of those long cigarette holder thingies. "Now, visitors should know that her piercing gaze comes equipped with a pair of 10-kilowatt laser blasters ready to vaporize anyone who would vandalize her." According to sources,...

U.S. — In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities. "This is such a tragedy for many of us who desperately wanted to know who was on that list," said former Presidential candidate and document security expert Hillary Clinton. "Now we'll sadly never know. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of this 'Epstein List,' may it rest in peace." Authorities confirmed the list was found hanging by a rope tied to an overhead beam, and that it had killed itself completely of...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year. "Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said Mayor Breed. "We are encouraging all residents to begin shoplifting for Christmas before everything, including the stores themselves, are shuttered and gone!" Though typically last-minute shoplifters, local couple Jared and Stacey Adams said they would be committing grand larceny much earlier this year. "I waited until Christmas Eve last year and every store in the city had been cleared out and turned into...

It has been clear for some time that the Trudeau Liberals have been struggling in the polls, but a new survey and analysis finds if an election were held today, the Grits would be headed to a stunning defeat. Abacus Data crunched the numbers over several polls to make a seat projection. That projection shows the Liberals would lose more than half their seats and Pierre Poilievre’s Conservatives would be heading to a solid majority if Canadians cast their ballots right now. “You’ve got the Conservatives winning 204 seats — that’s a 77-seat gain for them. The Liberals are in...

After years of suffering under unfair labor practices, the Bee writers are going on strike. Support us by reading this article and then by joining us on the picket line. We will not get back to work until every single one of these demands is met. They are very reasonable!Demands:1. CEO Seth Dillon agrees to begin paying us 2. More gruel at lunchtime 3. Bowing to the golden Trump statue when the music plays is no longer mandatory 4. Seth agrees to stop whipping us and yelling, "Be funnier!" 5. Iron Maiden pinball machine in the breakroom 6. Cut Editor-in-Chief...

DETROIT, MI — With UAW workers officially on strike to demand a 4-day, 32-hour work week, leadership with the Big Three automakers are reportedly struggling with whether to replace the union workers with robots or Mexicans. "We really could go either way on this," said Ford CEO Jim Farley while lighting up a Cuban cigar with a stack of $100 dollar bills. "On one hand, robots work perfectly and tirelessly without complaining around the clock. On the other hand, President Biden is welcoming thousands and thousands of Mexicans across the border every day who will happily do these jobs for...

KYIV — With the war against Russia still raging, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has announced a new incentive program to encourage women to enlist in the Ukrainian military, with each woman who signs up receiving a free pumpkin spice latte. "These women will be unable to resist," Zelensky said when announcing the offer. "Our military has been ravaged and is in dire need of reinforcements. We have run through all of our able-bodied men and must now turn to the strong, proud Ukrainian women. Any reluctance to fight against the Russians will easily be overcome by the power of the...

Police are searching for a suspect wanted in a daytime jewelry theft in Pickering earlier this month. Durham police say the victims were returning to their home in the area of Azalea Avenue and Burkholder Drive when they were approached by a man just after 1 p.m. on August 2 who forcibly removed jewelry from the woman. A physical altercation ensured and police say the suspect was “stripped of his shorts and shoes” before fleeing the scene on foot and getting into a vehicle, which then fled north on Burkholder Drive. The suspect is described as a Black male, between...

Birmingham, AL — In an extraordinary display of efficiency and ruthlessness, the FBI's crack tactical team descended upon a sleepy suburban neighborhood after receiving reports of an active incandescent light bulb. A deafening sound of helicopters filled the air as the FBI's Tactical Light Bulb Unit (TLBU) descended upon the home of Mark Johnson and his family. The elite team, clad in full tactical gear, executed a precision landing on the Johnsons' roof, then rappelled down and smashed their way through every window of the house. Neighbors watched in bewilderment as Special Agent Lark, leader of the TLBU, commanded his...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an ongoing dispute regarding the new illuminated "X" sign installed atop the former Twitter headquarters, city officials have now demanded Elon Musk have the sign removed because it is distressing to the people who are pooping on the sidewalk outside. "The sign makes public defecation far too stressful," said San Francisco Mayor London Breed. "Our citizens have the right to feel totally at ease when they are dropping their pants and laying cable in the streets. That infernal ‘X' sign is causing them too much stress to have the peaceful public pooping experience they deserve."...

TATOOINE — A group of scientists on the outer rim planet of Tatooine have come to the realization that the planet's two suns might have something to do with its global warming issue. "Our planet has experienced many years of harsh climate issues and unforgiving heat. After putting our heads together and really thinking about it, we surmised that maybe the two giant burning balls of gas we orbit around may be the issue," stated local scientist Tumar Sleezelag."I mean it kinda makes sense if you think about it. The intense heat levels have already caused several issues amongst the...

OTTAWA, June 6 (Reuters) - Authorities in New York, Toronto and Ottawa on Tuesday warned residents about the health risks from air polluted by smoke from unprecedented early summer wildfires in eastern Canada. An unusually early and intense start to wildfire season has set Canada on track for its worst-ever year as warm and dry conditions are forecast to persist for months. There are blazes in nearly all of Canada's 10 provinces and territories, with Quebec the worst impacted due to multiple fires caused by lightning. The New York State Department of Environmental Conservation issued a health advisory for counties...

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — The motive behind a sandbag's sudden attack on President Joe Biden became more clear today, as sources within the federal government have produced photos showing the sandbag also participated in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6, 2021. "This sandbag has been a dangerous entity for some time," said one source under the condition of anonymity. "After reviewing video footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the Capitol, we discovered the sandbag among the other Trump-supporting domestic terrorists. The sandbag has evaded justice since that day, giving it the opportunity to trip President Biden at...

ALBANY, NY — Lawmakers in New York have taken action to ban the use of gas stoves in residential buildings after newly discovered footage revealed a gas stove participating in the January 6, 2021 U.S. Capitol Building riot. "We have to root out this type of extremism wherever we find it," said New York Governor Kathy Hochul. "These types of stoves not only cause damage to our environment but we now have proof that they stand with enemies of the United States. These stoves must be banned to save our planet and democracy itself." The footage which was shown only...

U.S. — In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman. "For decades, we've been putting carbonated backwash in a beer can and pretending it's beer," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Who better to represent our brand than a guy throwing on a dress and pretending he's a woman?" Long a staple drink of people who hate actual beer, Bud Light felt putting Dylan Mulvaney's face on a can would also attract people who hate actual women. "As a...

The Toronto Maple Leafs are certainly hated across Canada, as their fans are constantly reminded of their playoff failures and not winning a Stanley Cup since 1967, but a shot from the current President of the United States is another matter altogether. During a speech in the nation’s capital on Friday, Joe Biden took a moment to let everyone know that he does enjoy hockey and Canada’s many sports teams — except for one. “Our labour unions cross borders. So do our sports leagues — baseball, basketball, and hockey. Listen to this, hockey. I have to say, I like your...

Toronto Mayor John Tory announced his resignation after admitting to a relationship with a former member of his office that lasted several months. Tory said he had an affair with the female employee during the COVID-19 pandemic. It mutually ended earlier this year. The Toronto Star was the first media outlet to report on Tory’s relationship with the woman. The employee was not identified, but the Toronto Star notes she’s a 31-year-old former advisor in the mayor’s office. Deputy Mayor Jennifer McKelvie is expected to take over as acting mayor until a by-election is held. There are no established rules...