My Wife is Mentally Ill

My wife is mentally ill. I realize many men say this and most are probably kidding but in my case it is 100% true. Her illness began in 1996 after the birth of our last child. At first we were told it was post-partum depression. She was hospitalized that year several times and given various medications.

We’ve never really gone to church much but she began talking about religion quite a bit so I bought her a bible (NKJ) and she devoured it. She was reading it all the time and one day I noticed she was crossing parts out and writing in the margin. I asked her why and she stated, “It was interpreted wrong and I am writing the correct interpretation.” I asked her how she knew her interpretation was correct and she said, “I get my information from God.” This lead to numerous trips to hospitals and more meds. She also began stating that she saw angels and demons and that they spoke to her. When I inquired as to what they were telling her she said I wouldn’t understand.

In the next few years she continued to have good and bad months. She was hospitalized several times over the next few years and again given various medications and diagnoses. These went from bi-polar to schizophrenic to psychotic. She has never been violent but was very adamant that we should all become vegans. She would go so far as to attempting to capture and bug she saw in the house so that she could release it into the wild.

Since I was in the military we moved several times. Each time we arrived at a new post I had to explain to my command the situation. I could see that they didn’t really believe it was as bad as I said until she started having a bad month again. Once it got so bad that I took the kids to a hotel and had to stay away for a few days.

Over the first few years of her illness I was investigated several times because she made allegations that I was abusive to both her and the children. All of these were proved false. She was paranoid and constantly accused me of sleeping around with other women. When she is “stable” she starts to think she does not need her meds and will slowly decrease her dosage (by skipping days) and eventually will stop altogether. I will notice little things in her behavior that become big things. When she starts to talk about certain things (religion, abuse, veganism) I can tell she is off her meds. I’ve tried to reason with her and get her to her shrink as soon as possible but she will become very assertive that there is nothing wrong with her. Many times I have had her hospitalized against her will as she was a threat to herself. This was usually because she was not taking care of herself or eating. Twice she was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies and once for actually attempting suicide.

Throughout all these now 19 years I have done my best to deal with her and give the kids the best lives possible. Times of high stress are the worst for her. Just this year she lost two of her three sisters to cancer and her dad passed away last month. She is now on the downslide and I predict she will be hospitalized again within the next few weeks.

All of our children are adults now. We have been married for almost 27 years (19 of which she’s been ill). I feel so worn down and beaten from dealing with this for so long that at times I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. Perhaps become a vagabond and drift around the world. If I were to do that I know she wouldn’t last long as in her times of psychosis she places herself in dangerous situations. Once she wandered off for a week and we found her in a homeless shelter. Now we are in the Houston area and it is quite dangerous to wander about the city. This world is full of bad people.

I feel like I am at the end of my rope and no longer want to deal with this anymore. Her illness stresses me out and gets me down. I want to just leave but realize that would be the worst thing for her. The next few weeks will be hard. But I will have to make my decision to stay or leave. I know the kids will be mad if I leave her because she needs help. But at the same time they will understand because they’ve seen the hell that I’ve been through. We went through it together when they were growing up. So, do I stay or do I go? I’m not even sure what I will do. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better and maybe help in making the decision but it hasn’t.

....it’s what any man worth his salt will do as a husband....

My mom had a stroke last year. My dad (age 84) never left the hospital for more than an hour and that was just to run home and shower. He slept on a little couch in her room that was nowhere near big enough for him. He lost ten pounds in the week she was in ICU. Since then he will not leave her side unless someone is there with her. He’s been an awesome example!

Get out and make yourself as scarce as possible. There is little chance you can have her permanently committed in today’s climate. You did your duty, your kids are adults. You deserve a chance to be happy.

Awful - no, abominable advice. Abandon his mentally-ill wife when you yourself admit hospitalization for her was not a likely option? Abandon her to wander the streets like so many other poor souls?

That is nothing less than cruel, heartless, and frankly the most extreme expression of "Take Care of Number One" that I have EVER read on this forum.

The man took an oath! You should be commending him rather than encouraging him to abandon his poor wife. Do promises mean nothing to you once they become inconvenient?

You had better hope that no one adapts your callous attitude when YOU are old, enfeebled, and unable to care for yourself. Forced Euthanasia is happening now in a growing number of countries.

I know of what I speak: my beloved wife has suffered from serious mental illness for two decades, causing problems and crisis that you cannot imagine. I must wash, cook, and clean for her. Yet each day she is more precious to me and I would NEVER abandon her! And we have a great help in the Lord that we both serve.

My situation is eerily similar to yours: my wife also suffered postpartum depression after the birth of our last child - also in 1996 - which turned into psychosis. She has never "come back" from that episode almost 20 years ago.

I have read many of the comments, many were commendable and give the correct advice, which is to fulfill your marital vows "unto death do you part." Others gave frankly bad advice, basically telling you to "take care of number one" (I copied you on my reply to a particularly egregious post of this sort). I can certainly empathize with the problems and crises that you must endure on a daily basis. Thankfully, in my case my wife does have "good days" where we can enjoy each other's company and do fun things together. Often with a smile she will communicate her love for me.

I second the many comments that encourage you to look to God for help. This has been key for me - for both of us as we go through this together. I have experienced countless little miracles where the Lord helped us in a very real way.

Also, I believe that God gives us what each of us needs for our own spiritual growth. In my case, I doubt I would have learned patience and true, selfless love, or how to really trust in God if I had not gone through the struggles with my wife.

Wishing you all the best and remember to "call on the name of the Lord" for help.

>>But like a boat at sea the storms will come....

Ps 107:23-32

23 Others went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters.

24 They saw the works of the Lord , his wonderful deeds in the deep.

25 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves.

26 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away.

27 They reeled and staggered like drunken men; they were at their wits' end.

28 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress.

29 He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.

31 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.

32 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

NIV

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