is it me, or did anyone listening to the Pope speak, expect him to say "It's a-me, Mario!"?
Posted on 09/25/2015 6:14:59 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
******
"Pope Francis was named Time magazine's person of the year, and today he performed his first miracle – he got people to buy Time magazine." –Conan O'Brien
******
"Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free." ––Conan O'Brien
******
"According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle." –Conan O'Brien
******
"Do you know who's going to the Vatican for a meeting with Pope Francis? Evil dictator Vladimir Putin. The Pope better be careful because I bet you anything Putin is going to try and steal his ring." –David Letterman
******
"Russian President Vladimir Putin will travel to the Vatican this month to hold talks with Pope Francis. The Pope even offered to hear Putin's confession — or as Putin calls it, 'bragging.'" –Jimmy Fallon
******
"Pope Francis suspended a bishop for spending too much on home renovations. The Pope caught the bishop filming an episode of 'Flip This Church.'" –Conan O'Brien
******
"Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen." –Conan O'Brien
******
"How crazy is it that the Pope has a car? Imagine driving through Rome and a Renault cuts in front of you. You flip the guy off, and it's the Pope!" –Jimmy Kimmel
******
"The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He's driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There's your miracle, you know what I'm saying?" –David Letterman
******
"Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint." –Conan O'Brien
******
"Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church." –Jimmy Kimmel
******
Pope Francis has landed in the United States for a historic five-day visit to D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia. Whether you're Catholic, Protestant, Jewish or Hindu, you have to be in awe of the amount of traffic this is going to create. ~ James Corden
******
If you wanted to see the Pope during his visit, best of luck to you. He's appearing in Central Park on Friday, but tickets ran out so quickly that they're now being scalped for upwards of $1,500 apiece. That is a lot to pay for someone who can't sing or play guitar. ~ James Corden
******
It's ironic people are scalping tickets for so much when the Pope has been saying that Americans worship money, and that capitalism is destroying our souls. ~ James Corden
******
Twitter has created a bunch of special hashtags to honor the Pope, proving once and for all that Twitter doesn't really know the meaning of the word "honor." ~ James Corden
******
Twitter created #Popeinus. #Popeindc. #Popeinnyc, and #Popeinphilly. But just in case the Pope decides to extend his trip, we've created a few hashtags of our own. If he should choose to come visit us here, we have got #Popeinla, #Popeinorlando, #Popeinseattle — where he ordered a pope-kin spice latte! ~ James Corden
******
Pope Francis is here. He got in yesterday. He didn't do anything last night, they want him to rest for his hectic schedule the next few days. He did get some rest — much of it during his welcoming ceremony on the south lawn of the White House. That's one thing about being Pope — nobody knows when you're sleeping or when you're praying.~ Jimmy Kimmel
******
The Pope addressed about 11,000 people at the welcoming event. He spoke about climate change. He said it's a problem that "can no longer be left to a future generation." Global warming is a very important issue for the Pope because as you know he has to wear a floor-length, long-sleeved gown to work every day and it's hot. ~ Jimmy Kimmel
******
Pope Francis arrived in Washington, D.C., today. I saw that President Obama actually picked him up at the airport. When asked how the Pope will get back to the airport, Obama was like, "Uber? I don't know. It's not my problem." ~ Jimmy Fallon
******
That's right, President Obama picked up Pope Francis at the airport. Because what better way to alleviate the traffic the Pope is about to cause than sending out a presidential motorcade? ~ Jimmy Fallon
******
The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory. ~ Jimmy Fallon
******
I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames. ~ Jimmy Fallon
******
In addition to the “no shaking hands,” Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope's visit. First, there’s "Don't fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope." ~ Jimmy Fallon
******
Pope Francis' plane touched down in Washington at 4 p.m. I knew the moment he was here because I felt a disturbance in the guilt. What is that? Catholic, you are. That's what Yoda says. ~ Conan
******
Morning.
Woo-Hoo!
Whew we're good for now
Some really old jokes:
* A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
* What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
* How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
* When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
* The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
Top 10..perhaps~
TOP 10?!?!
Two Groucho Marx anecdotes he said at Carnegie Hall from the album an Evening With Groucho
“A priest once told me I want to thank you for all the joy you’ve brought into this world. I said, and I want to thank you for all the joy you’ve taken out of this world.”
“Once I was traveling and a priest bumped into me, and I dropped my cigar. I said, ‘Jesus Christ!’ The priest reached into his pocket, takes out a cheroot (cigar?). He says, ‘Groucho, you just said the secret word’.”
HAPPY FRIDAY!
A cheroot is, indeed a cigar.
Who says that godly men can’t have a sense of humor?
Actually, if you think about it, godly men MUST have a sense of humor!
Off to the Oktoberfest in Munich. I’ll have a beer for all Freepers!
Top 2000000
TOP 20!!!
Barack and Biden went to the airport to pick up the pope. After getting into the limo there was a sort of awkward silence broken by Biden asking the pope “So how’s the wife?”
Happy Friday everyone!
Oh you lucky sumagun. Have two for me :)
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
![https://scontent.fphx1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/12003133_1046751792011599_4920027447786291002_n.jpg?oh=d9ac8fb2cd63f4301c0cc5096926b88d&oe=568FAE04"](https://scontent.fphx1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/12003133_1046751792011599_4920027447786291002_n.jpg?oh=d9ac8fb2cd63f4301c0cc5096926b88d&oe=568FAE04"){kind=link}