Posted on 03/22/2006 4:34:00 AM PST by PittsburghAfterDark
I saw the most half-baked idiotic attempt at humor on DU, is there any other kind, with a short semi-thought out list at what the warning signs are that your kid may be a conservative. It was posted by head moonbat himself; Skinner.
I was so tempted to break character and post a response with my un-tombstoned DU screen name but hey, I have the absolute killer April Fool's joke and I'm not going to kill it over the following.
Stock answer to everything: "Kindergarten -- Love it or leave it!"
Brings to school elaborate lunch packed by nanny which includes sandwich, fruit roll-up, potato chips, candy, soft drink, sugar packets, and a $10 bill to purchase whatever he wants from the school vending machine. Insists it is "unfair" when poor kids get free beef-a-roni from government.
American flag Underoos.
Claims that a classmate "recently sought significant quantities of whoopee cushions, tacks, silly string, and Chinese handcuffs from Spencer Gifts." Uses this claim as a pretext to beat up that classmate. Unable to find whoopee cushions, tacks, silly string, or Chinese handcuffs after the fact.
Says "Highlights" and "Weekly Reader" are part of the liberal media.
Pees in pants whenever he is in the vicinity of Middle Eastern-looking classmate.
Favorite Book: "The O'Reilly Factor -- for Kids!"
Tells other boys that "Girls play with dolls; boys play with trucks." Secretly plays with dolls.
Spells potato with an e.
Blames low grade in finger painting on "racial preferences."
Favorite Animal: Elephant
Shoots close friend in the face with Super Soaker. Graciously accepts apology from close friend, who is "deeply sorry for all the bad stuff that has happened this week."
Obsessed with wee-wee of a certain classmate from Arkansas.
Favorite After-School Special: "The poor boy who got kissed by another boy on the school bus and had no choice but to beat up the boy who kissed him."
Takes lunch money from classmates, gives it to friend named Hal E. Burton.
Declines to participate in fire drill because he is busy reading "My Pet Goat."
"Operation Iraqi Freedom" lunch box.
I have to admit, nothing there was really very clever, the best being the "secretly plays with dolls" bit. I have to admit that's okay but really, if in reference to homosexuality how many closet gay liberals must there be? That one cuts both ways.
Now that you've seen the lame, enjoy the FReeping of Skinner with....
SIGNS THAT YOUR KID MAY BE A LIBERAL!
Your daughter is made captain of the cheerleader team finds the uniforms sexist and changes them to pantsuits and her hot new cheer is “Violent contests of masculinity are no way to prove superiority!”
You enter your son’s room and he rapidly covers himself in sheets, tosses his Playboy in the corner and contends you’re interrupting his safe alternative to intercourse.
Your kid is constantly coming home with a bloody nose and split lip yet refuses to acknowledge a problem as challenging a bully will only create new bullies.
Your kid supports the child with the KKK parent who’s been attending cross burnings since he could walk as head of the “Diversity Committee” on student council and hails them as “The Conscience of the Student Senate”.
Your kid is in a class with some of the school’s best and brightest who constantly achieve incredible grades yet decries the concentration of “A”’s in the top 10% of the academic class.
Your kid comes home from driver’s education and tells you they know the best way to handle a car going off a bridge, submerging underwater and killing a female passenger is to go home, sleep it off and inform the cops in the morning they may know something about the incident.
Your kid loves the prom king and queen's arrangement where they can see other people if they can continue their loving front that will keep them the most popular kids in class if she remains in the "in crowd".
Permanent files of other students show up in the residence of the student body president and his girlfriend maintains she has no idea how they got there. Your son denies either one of them hired Craig Livingstone.
Your daughter comes home from biology class after frog dissection day after failing the exercise and declares that life is sacred and she won’t be a consumer of the animal cruelty industry then asks you for a ride to Planned Parenthood.
Despite the overwhelming majority of kids having parents who send them to school with healthy, nutritious and filling meals your kid decries that school lunch vouchers are going unclaimed and demands the school administration advertise they are available.
Your kid maintains they have friends of all races, creeds and religions yet in organizing the school play in a school with 10% blacks, 4% Jews, 8% Hispanics, 52% female makeup of the student body is shocked that you would challenge their sensitivity despite not one black, Jew, Hispanic or female making the cast of Romeo and Juliet. However Juliet is beginning his/her hormone injections before rehearsal’s beginning.
Your kid’s rich friend is always complaining about the horrible capitalistic society we live in where people aren’t allowed to negotiate living wages when they’re hired and it’s unfair that there hasn’t been a minimum wage increase in 10 years yet said nothing when his father fired Jose and Manuel from their landscaping jobs for $3.50 an hour on his property because they weren’t getting the job done fast enough.
Your kid comes home fuming and absolutely outraged from learning about how children her age are working for $2 a day making designer shoes, handbags and clothes then asks for $500 to get a pair of Nikes, Gucci bag and Tommy Hilfiger jeans for the school picnic.
Your kid and his friends are put in charge of the school bake sale, eat all the cookies during nap time and their defense is the subject is too sensitive to discuss in front of kids who did all the baking and the matter should just be dropped in the name of school morale.
Your son knows the kid who got an erection in the shower after gym class and hails him for his openness, fortitude and bravery in expressing his sexual preference in as frank and open manner for all to see and celebrate.
Your daughter’s best girlfriend has a graphic sexual video of her posted on myspace.com and is complimented by her for her riveting and engaging performances of raw, unadulterated displays of adolescent sexuality.
Your kid hates the football team and all it “represents” while being a member of the band and the student body yet when the star player suffers a debilitating injury befriends him and asks him to be a campaigner for increased music funding now that he can no longer play.
Your kid comes home from school railing against the founding fathers and how white racism enslaved a people, destroyed native cultures but loves getting off on Columbus Day and President’s Day.
You daughter hates all corporations, capitalism, mocks your job and company but spends hours at Starbucks blogging on their Power Book, listening to iTunes and flaunting their new Manolo Blanhik’s to her girlfriends before driving home in mom's Porsche Cayenne.
Your daughter denigrates you for supporting “just 5” kids for the Christian Children’s Fund then after dinner tells you what kind of birthday party she thinks you need to throw her so she’s seriously considered for MTV’s “My Sweet 16”.
Everytime it gets above 80 degrees they complain about global warming. Everytime it gets below 20 degrees they also complain about global warming.
Kid may be a conservative if:
He worries that the school's class President may have sold the football team's playbook to the highest bidder. again.
Your kid might be a liberal if he's a low-life bum with juvie tats selling fallatio on the street for a hit of feel-good meth.
"Your kid might be a liberal if he's a low-life bum with juvie tats selling fallatio on the street for a hit of feel-good meth."
Damn, that's rough.
Your kid might be a liberal if he's a low-life bum with juvie tats selling fallatio on the street for a hit of feel-good meth.
Damn, that's funny.
Your kid may be a liberal if they join in a PETA rally decrying the treatment of dairy cows, nevermind the fact they have never seen a cow, nor know which end of the cow needs the feed bucket and which end needs the shovel....and think the cow's horns actually "honk"....
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