Skip to comments.(Vanity) You might be a Liberal if...
Posted on 08/15/2008 6:25:24 AM PDT by grey_whiskers
You might be a liberal if :
1 if you think that the US is so awful you want to move to France
but you dont understand why there are so many illegal immigrants
2 if think that the schools most important job is to teach little Johnny all about condoms
and then you conclude the reason Johnny cant read is lack of funding
3 if you honestly believe that Michael Moore has a greater grasp of world politics than Condoleeza Rice
4 if you honestly think that George Bush is a moron, despite his advanced degree from Harvard
5 if you would trust Peter Singer of Princeton with either your children OR your dog
6 if you think that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional
but that its just fine to burn the flag
7 if you believe that terrorists in Guantanamo Bay have the right to the Koran, supplied by the U.S. government
but the Ten Commandments have no place in our schools
8 if you believe that France is the greatest example of successful multiculturalism on Earth
9 if you believe Al Qaeda should be allowed to recruit on college campuses
but the US military shouldnt.
10 if you think being forced to wear Burquas and say Muslim prayers in school for three weeks is constitutional
but a voluntary student-led non-denominational prayer isnt
11 if you think the neo-Nazis have the legal right to march through Jewish neighborhoods
but Christian ministries shouldnt be allowed into prisons
12 if you think the real reason there was a Berlin Wall was to keep the West Germans from escaping
13 if you think Che was a greater hero than Columbus
14 if you think Cuba is better off because Fidel Castro took over
15 if you like to discuss the evils of global corporations while sipping a Starbucks
16 if you hold protest marches to scream at wounded soldiers that they are baby-killers
but you are fervently pro-choice.
17 if you think Jerry Falwell is stupid for saying we deserved 9-11
but you think Greenpeace is a bunch of geniuses for saying the same thing.
18 if you wont admit that this list is funny.
19 if you think Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives qualify as reality TV
20 if you rail against inherited wealth
but you still adore the Kennedys
21 you are concerned about overuse of landfills
but you still use Pampers
22 if you never noticed that CNN called the rioters in France African-Americans.
23 if you complain that America is racist at heart
but you think that Condoleeza Rice is not black enough
24 if you started to listen to the Dixie Chicks
only after they trashed the Iraq war (source?)
25 if you are against drilling in ANWR
but you forgot that the drilling area is only about 3 square miles
26 if you are a multimillionaire
but you still stiff the wait staff
27 you favor medical marijuana
but you call Rush Limbaugh a hypocrite for getting hooked on prescription painkillers.
28 if youve ever considered starting a group called Gays against Bush
29 if youre convinced the US legal system only benefits the rich
but you still think OJ Simpson was the victim of racism
30 if you wish that Bill Clinton was still president
and youre not a late-night comedian
31 if youre against a flat tax because it unfairly hurts the poor
but you voted for your states lottery
32 you think Jim Bakker and Jerry Swaggart are hypocrites because of their lifestyle
but not the Rev. Jesse Jackson
33 if you believe that Janet Jacksons mishap at the Super Bowl Halftime really was just a wardrobe malfunction
34 if you believe the X that CNN put over Cheneys face was really a technical glitch
35 if you support tough sexual harassment laws
but you applauded when Britney Spears got that open-mouth kiss on TV from a woman twice her age
36 if you prefer CNN to Fox News
37 if you prefer Air America to Sean Hannity
38 if you have an Internet Connection and you use it mostly to read Democratic Underground
39 if you think the Daily Kos is more reliable than the Drudge Report
40 if you think the George Bush in a flight suit on an aircraft carrier is grandstanding
but you think John Kerry was really a war hero
41 if you think the problem with America is that we are not taxed enough
42 if you still think that Ronald Reagan was just an overrated B movie actor
but you believe that Bill Clinton really feels your pain
43 if you think that Hillary Clinton is better looking than Laura Bush
44 if you prefer Jackie Onassis to Nancy Reagan
45 if you think Carter and Clinton were better Presidents than Reagan and Bush 43
46 if you are still proud that you voted for Carter over Reagan and Dukakis over Bush
47 if you think the invasion of Iraq was all about Halliburton
but you ignore the Oil-for-Food scandal
48 if you are still more upset over Kent State than Tiannemen Square
49 if you still have a Kerry/Edwards sticker on your car
50 a bonus if you still have the Gore / Lieberman sticker too
51 if you prefer Christopher Lowell to James Bond
52 if you think Clarence Thomas was guilty of sexual harassment
but Bill Clinton wasnt.
53 if you are angry because you think Dick Cheney was a draft dodger
but Bill Clinton wasnt.
54 if you think the US should try to be more like France
but you are still against nuclear power
55 if you think all big corporations are evil
but you get your news from MSNBC
56 if you vow theyll take your internet porn when they pry your cold, dead fingers
...from your hot, sticky keyboard
57 if you say you support our troops
but you still feel compelled to call them baby-killers
but you still feel compelled to spit on them
58 if you think that Howard Dean still has all his marbles. YEEEAAAARRRRGHH !!!!
59 if you like to call Republicans mean-spirited
right after you finish calling George Bush a Nazi
60 if you think that rising rates of teen pregnancy and STDs are caused by abstinence-based education
instead of the sexual revolution
61 if you believe in Freedom of Speech
for everyone except abortion protesters
62 if you call Christians closed-minded
..but you want to remove in God We Trust from coins
63 if you say you love freedom of religion
but you really want freedom from religion
64 if you call yourself tolerant
but you want to have under God removed from the Pledge of Allegiance because it offends you
65 if you think that Al Qaeda terrorists deserve understanding
more than they deserve an incoming missile
66 if you think the Iraqi suicide bombers are freedom fighters
but you call George Bush a terrorist
67 if you are more concerned that Saddam Hussein didn't get a fair trial
than you are that Supreme Court nominees get a fair hearing
68 if you still take John Lennons music seriously
69 if you pride yourself on being open-minded
but you still havent ever tuned in to the Rush Limbaugh program
70 if you think Al Sharpton is a uniter, not a divider
71 if you think Nina Totenberg is better looking than Ann Coulter
72 if you think Susan Estrich is better looking than Michele Malkin
73 if you love the balance of Hardball with Chris Matthews
74 if you are angry about Dick Cheneys links to Halliburton
but you forgot that Terry McAuliffe got $10 million from Global Crossing
75 if you think the Bush administration benefited from Enron
but you forgot that Terry McAuliffe got $10 million from Global Crossing
76 if you object to Steve Forbes because you think he tried to buy his way into higher office
but you voted for John Corzine or John Kerry
77 if you rooted for the terrorists during the movie Team America
78 if you make fun of Rush Limbaugh because hes overweight
but you think Michael Moore really speaks for the little guy
79 if you support the separation of church and state
but you dont realize that phrase isnt even in the Constitution
80 if you support the separation of church and state
but you worship at the altar of big government
81 if you think the Constitution is a living, breathing document
but you remain committed to stare decisis
82 if you think the Constitution trumps the Ten Commandments
83 if you think the Unabomber was a conservative
84 if you think that all of societys problems can be solved by education
85 if you think that wearing a colored ribbon will actually solve anything.
86 if you still find Doonesbury significant
87 if you think that Bush/Cheney are turning the US into a police state
but you still think that only the government should own guns
88 if you think womyns studies are a bigger part of the University Experience than college football
89 if you are secretly Christophobic
90 if you really, really liked the Lord of the Rings except that
you disapproved of the fact that the Wargs were kept in underground cages
you couldnt believe the Orcs were non-Union
you couldnt relate to Aragorn because the movie promoted patriarchical monarchy
91 if you really wish that the US had socialized medicine
but you complain about the long lines at the Post Office or Department of Motor Vehicles
92 if you really believe that only government officials should own guns
but you never realized that that would include Postal Workers
93 if you tell your therapist that the real problem with the world is that so many conservatives are maladjusted
94 if you loudly insist that all cultures are equal
but you still manage to look down on people from Red States
95 if you honestly believe it was just a coincidence that the Iranian hostages were released the very same day Reagan got his finger on the nuclear button
96 you proudly sport a No Blood for Oil bumper sticker
on your SUV
97 you think of marriage as a barbaric, outdated patriarchical relic
which is why you are so anxious to legalize gay marriage
98 you think all sex is rape
except in the Oval Office
99 you really think that a bunch of has-been rock stars holding a benefit concert
will do squat for a bunch of subsistence farmers in drought-ridden third world countries in the middle of a civil war
100 you really believe with Earth in the Balance that the internal combustion engine is a greater threat to the survival of mankind than nuclear weapons
except for your Volvo
101 you think the US committed atrocities in Viet Nam
but Saddam Hussein is merely an excuse for war
102 you think that having a pair of womens underwear put on your head is cruel and inhuman
but you watch worse than that every day on Oprah or Jerry Springer
103 you admire Geraldo Rivera
for his hair
104 you laughed when President Reagan was shot
but cried when John Lennon was
105 you think that all problems can be resolved
by just taking the other sides point of view
106 if you think the United States is the main cause of unhappiness in the world.
[ Think of that photo of dejected Tom Daschle ]
107 if youve every seriously wondered whether or not Bush and Cheney really caused Katrina.
Bonus if you read this and said to the book, Of course not! It was Karl Rove!
108 if you still own a Grateful Dead T-shirt.
Bonus if it stills fits.
Double bonus if youve worn it in public during the last year.
109 if youve ever read a news story about a jogger attacked by a mountain lion
and started a collection for the cat.
110 if youve ever chained yourself to a tree
to save a spotted owl.
111 if you oppose a wall on the U.S. Mexico border
but you have one around your neighborhood.
112 if you say the rich pay too little in taxes
but you dont pay any.
113 if you spend more each month grooming your dog Fifi
than you spend on giving to charity.
bonus if you gave more to charity
but it was the Sierra Club or PETA.
114 if you wish everyone Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas
but you wouldnt dream of calling a Menorah a Wintertime Candlestick
115 if you go around wishing people Happy Kwanzaa
and you dont know Kwanzaa was started in the 20th century by a convicted felon
Bonus if you didnt know the Seven Pillars of Kwanzaa
are identical to the principles of the Symbionese Liberation Army
that kidnapped Patti Hearst.
116 if you took your wifes last name.
bonus if you hyphenated
.double bonus if she kept her name.
117 if you think the divorce rate is too high
but you signed a pre-nuptial agreement.
118 if your husband has longer hair than you.
bonus if your legs are hairier than his, though.
119 if you have had more spouses than children
120 if you think Land for Peace is a great idea.
but you wouldnt dream of giving Manhattan back to the Indians
121 you named any of your children something that sounds like an herbal tea, like
Crystal Golden Healing Apple Passion
122 you think that the UN would have done squat about Saddaam Hussein
except milk him for more bribes
123 you trust Kofi Annan more than Donald Rumsfeld
124 you wont let your children use Piggy Banks
because it might be insensitive to Muslims
BONUS if you have a Darwin Fish on your car
Double Bonus if you still approve of Piss Christ
125 if youve ever been caught in a menage à trois
by your wife
126 if every time you hear the phrase joint session of Congress
you begin to hope that this time, theyre finally about to legalize marijuana.
127 if your place of worship
is your local Lexus dealer
Bonus if you are multi-denominational (Mercedes, Porsche, Jaguar)
128 if you gave more to the ACLU
than to your local house of worship
Bonus if your local house of worship is really a church
and not a car dealership (see # 127)
129 if you think all votes should be counted
except absentee military ballots
130 if you dont mind accounts of voter fraud and multiple votes
in ghetto and underclass communities
because you think of it as Affirmative Action for Jim Crow
131 if you think CEOs are crooks
but not politicians
132 if you think Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda have done more good in the Middle East
than the US marines
133 if you believe in no-fault marriage.
134 if you secretly enjoy reading the government information pamphlets
from Pueblo, Colorado.
135 if you think horror stories of illegal immigration into Arizona and California are exaggerations or rumors
but you live in Vermont.
136 if you think that what happens in Vegas really stays in Vegas.
137 if you own a Toyota Prius
AND a Hummer
138 if you prefer Alan Alda to John Wayne
139 if you can look at Richard Gere
and not think of gerbils.
Bonus if you look at him because it reminds you of gerbils.
140 if when you watch The Simple Life on TV, you identify with Paris Hilton
instead of thinking of some of her other, um, movies.
141 if you waggle your head when you speak
142 if you believed Anita Hill
but not Paula Jones or Kathleen Willey (spelling) or Juanita Broadderick (spelling)
143...if you honestly think the world is less safe with the US as the worlds lone superpower
144 if you secretly wish Gorbachev were still in charge in Russia
...bonus if you are glad that Putin invaded Georgia
145 if you think Mugabe has been better for South Africa than deKlerk
146 if you think all Rush Limbaugh fans are mind-numbed robots
because you heard it on CNN
147 if you watch PBS for anything besides Nova, The Red Green Show, or Sesame Street
148 if you miss Dan Rather
149 if you think FDR was the Greatest President ever.
Bonus if you think JFK or Bill Clinton was second
150 if you are deeply troubled that Tom Daschle is no longer in the US Senate
151 if you think that elections in Chicago are above board
152 if you find yourself nodding in agreement when you read Newsweek.
153 if you rely on The New York Times for hard news.
154 if you ever voted for chad in a Presidential election
155 if you loudly demand more funding for public schools
but you send your children to a private, lily-white prepatory academy
156 if you are in favor of allowing women to play in the PGA
but you wouldnt dream of allowing Shaquille ONeal to
play in the WNBA. (look up initials)
157 if you think bicycling is a manlier sport than baseball
158 if you prefer Barbra Streisand to Faith Hill
bonus if you think shes better looking, too
159 if you think that metrosexual means sophisticated
instead of neutered
160 if you are adamantly against censorship, and wouldnt
dream of restricting pornography at a library
but you want to regulate talk radio
161 if you are against Big Tobacco
but you want marijuana legalized
Bonus if you havent considered the effects of secondhand weed
162 if you prefer Gore Vidal to William F. Buckley
163 if you really think it was Hillary Clinton who was gasping for air
and not Monica Lewinsky
164 if you are in favor of transgendered bathrooms
but you oppose allowing a man to chair a womens studies department
165 if you prefer Oregon to Idaho
166 if youre all for the Kyoto treaty
as long as it does not apply to China or India
167 if you believe the US is more polluted than Eastern Europe
168 if you have more body piercings than your teenagers
169 if you are repulsed at how conservative young people are getting
170 if you think PBS isnt liberal enough
171 if you own more than one Volvo
172 if you have an autographed picture of Noam Chomsky
173 if you think Sara Jane Olson was unfairy punished
Bonus if you read the last sentence and said Thats not her real name.
174. if you support Land for Peace for Israel
because it worked so well for Native Americans.
175. if you think the right to privacy is actually in the constitution
176. if you think the constitution is a living, breathing Document
...except for abortion rights
177. if you think the young should be entirely comforable in letting their retirement funds come from Congress.
178. if you have more than five bumper stickers on your car
179. if you go to church twice or less a year.
180. if you have ever gone into a book store and hidden or turned backwards copies
of anything by Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, or Rush Limbaugh
181. if you roll your own cigarettes
BONUS if they contain something other than tobacco
182. if you contributed to Bill Clintons Legal Defense Fund
183. if you have ever boycotted genetically modified foods
184. if you approve of class action lawsuits
because they do so much for the little guy
185. if you think Mother Superior is a sexual position
186. if you trust Oliver Stone more than Oliver North
187. if you think the only reason people go on welfare is societal inequities
...instead of illiteracy or lack of a degree
189. if you think welfare is plenty for other people to live on
190. if you are upset that Iraqi terrorists were forced to wear womens panties on their heads.
and you are even more upset that US soldiers cant wear womens underwear under their uniforms.
190. if you secretly wish Bill Clinton were still President
or at least Jimmy Carter.
191. if you think budget cuts is a dirty word
192. ...if you think that the 1st Amendment only has an Establishment clause
...and ignore the Free Exercise clause
Fantastic! May I post it everywhere?
I like it!
I think about 90% of these describe one of my sisters.
In fact, both of them.
Mugabe is the dictator of Rhodesia/zimbabwe not South Africa.
Other than that, great list.
bookmark for later
(Sound of grey_whiskers running under the sofa to cough up a hairball in disgust and embarrassment)
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