Posted on 03/27/2010 9:16:58 PM PDT by smokingfrog
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
Tibetan cattle are routinely shipped to Nigeria and forced to walk in circles to obtain precious enhancement liquids from their sweat glands called afrodizzyyaks.
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
bflr
When scientists opened the tomb of Ludwig von Beethoven they found him sitting there with a pencil, erasing the notes from some sheet music. He was decomposing.
ping
Existentially humorous.
The funeral home just got a new vehicle with extra-large windows all around so the grieving could better view the dearly departed. But the cemetery was full; so the undertaker would dig up bodies at night to take to the coast and throw them into the ocean to make room for newcomers. But one night they were proceeding on their macabre journey and were caught by police. The moral of this story:
People who leave in glass hearses shouldn`t throw bones.
A stolen roan gathers no cost.
Ben Franklin once said:
“A penny earned is a penny redistributed.”
Those puns are so lame that the person(s) who chose them should be arrested and tried. It would be a no pun and shut case.
Women of the night are always on time: it is impossible for them to be delayed.
A: Eye on LA!
I heard #9 about 4 or 5 years ago, but the punch line was “super calloused fragile mystic with expert halitosis”...
Personally I liked #5 the best.
A crow spotted a a streaming horde of lemmings frantically running full speed ahead towards the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea.
Alarmed and what was about to happen, the crow flew down to intercept them and when he landed on a rock in their path he cawed to them, "Stawp! Stawp, there's a drop-off dead ahead! Ya'all have got to stawp raht naw! Caw!!!!"
The leading rodent, still racing towards the cliff, ignored him and shouted to his followers "Race abater! He's a race abater! Don't listen to him!" and at the very edge, he directed the first of his adoring lemming followers to take a great leap forward over the cliff.
"Stawp! Please stop, ya'all will fall!" cried the alarmed crow, but they continued to pour toward him and around him , until a mighty wave of lemmings swept over the rock, and as they cursed and called him names such as "you flocking paranoid tree-nagger" ...
... they flipped the bird!
Having been flipped off, the crow was starting to have enough of these teeming masses yearning to seethe for free, but as he watched the rest of them race past him towards the precipice he shouted one last warning to them : "Stawp, for Gawd's sake, stawp! Can't ya see yer leader's already gone off the deep end and yer heading towards disaster? What are ya, CRAZY?!?"
The last lemming in the end-crowd looked over its shoulder at him and screamed :
"No, we're PROGRESSIVES!"
Laughind in spite of myself...and so true.
sp=laughing...I was laughing too hard to spell.
True story
My friends and I were going to the mall after lunch and spent a few min looking for a decent parking spot. We found one close to the entrance but it was rather unusual due to the cars that surround the parking space.
To the right was a dark blood red car. In front of it was a red truck. To the left was another smoky red car and in front of us was a dark red station wagon.
To which my friend gasped and exclaimed in a pained voice .... “Oh no, we’re marooned!”
That might be construed as cruel and unusual pun-ishment!
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