Posted on 03/03/2012 3:29:56 PM PST by pingman
I'll start:
How is a marriage like a deck of cards?
You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.
(rimshot!)
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Once upon a time there was a young girl and boy who were hopelessly in love.
The boy asked the girl, “Will you marry me?”
The girl said, “No.”
And they lived happily ever after.
Here is another short youtube video. If you like dogs, you will love this. And if you are a muscian, you will especially love this. (It is not a joke but the first time I saw this, I laughed until I cried.)
Dog Loves Guitar
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KBluUZ4NnZg
My mom the mathematician is chuckling in her grave. Thanks!
“get in the car.”
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
But they must be small mice...
______________________________
OOOOKKKKAY.
Could you spell this out for me.
Very blond chickensoup
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
But they must be small mice...
______________________________
OOOOKKKKAY.
Could you spell this out for me.
________________________
Wait, just got it...
Funny!
Very blond chickensoup
How small would the mice have to be to commit a physical act inside a lightbulb?
Well,,, sure! Those are the tame ones! Like;
“How do you tell if the stage is level?”
“There’s drool coming outa both sides of the drummer’s mouth.”
But those are nothing, compared to real musician jokes. Some of the ones I know are so gross! But they’re told for a reason. And that reason is to point out how disgusting these gross jokes are. Not reveling in them, but reviling them! But you can’t tell them to most people, because they won’t understand the distinction, and will be offended, without understanding what the real reason is behind telling these “jokes.”
LOL
How small would the mice have to be to commit a physical act inside a lightbulb?
_________________________
Very small.
Everyone here KNOWS I am technically inept.
Having trouble with abstact concepts too.
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
The first guy says ‘hey bartender, get me a beer.’
The bartender comes over and says, ‘ok, here’s your beer.’
The second guy says (with severe speech impediment) ‘hhhhhhey bbbbbartendddder, gggggimmmeee a bbbbeeer.’
The bartender comes over and says ‘oooookkk, hhhhheeerrs a bbbbeer.’
The first guy say ‘hey bartender, why are you making fun of that guy?’
The bartender says ‘iiiii wwwwas mmmaking ffffun of yyyou!’
Anyone know how to resize?
From Aussie
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news’.
‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’
The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.’
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that...
So what’s the other possible good news?
‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 PM tonight and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
Did you hear the joke about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
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