Posted on 03/03/2012 3:29:56 PM PST by pingman
I'll start:
How is a marriage like a deck of cards?
You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.
(rimshot!)
An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar having a pint of Guiness, when suddenly each has a fly land in his beer. The Englishman snorts in disgust and pushes the glass away. The American flicks the fly out and continues drinking like nothing happened. The Irishman grabs the fly between his fingers, holds it upside down over the glass, and screams, “Spit it out, ya bastard!”
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who was the pig
that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: ‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll
take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for
the rest of her life..
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank
account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun,
places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him.
‘You gonna try again.’
WTF?!
I picked 7 and ended up with #9! That’s going to be my favorite movie..... Evuh!!!
I should know better than to do BBQ just before going to bed...
One night, right after gorging on chili dogs & brat’s, I dozed off and quickly realized I was in Dreamland. All of a sudden, this huge green talking blob appears, screeching and snarling and spewing all over me (well, virtually anyway). In fright, I remember asking- “What .. WHAT ARE YOU?!”
The spectre replied: “I’m your wurst nightmare, of course.”
The only banjo joke I know are the nine notes of “Deliverance”
"Oh, Lord," he said. "Brigitte will be furious when she sees this mess."
"Not to worry, mate," the guy sitting next to him said. "Just tuck a 5 dollar bill in your pocket. Tell her the guy next to you at the bar did it and paid you for the laundry. Trust me, there'll be no problem."
Closing time finally came and Seamus stumbled home.
Brigitte was waiting at the door.
"So, there you are, you good-for-nothing. And what's that all over your shirt?"
"Oh, the guy next to me at the bar did that. Reach in my shirt pocket and there's a fiver he gave me for the laundry."
"What's this?" she says. "There's ten bucks here."
"Oh, I almost forgot. He sh*t in my pants, too."
Two blondes....one on the east bank of a river, the other on the west bank. The blonde on the west bank hollers to the other blonde, “HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE Of THE RIVER ?” the blonde answers, “YOU ALREADY ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!”
That’s great! My niece (from same B.I.L.) is making it in NYC playing accordion! Her band played Christina Hendricks wedding, they both hit it off (redheads, ya’ know) and now she teaches C.H. accordion (see Mad Men for reference)!
The longest sexual palindrome.
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa!
The longest sexual palindrome.
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa!
The longest sexual palindrome.
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa!
Just who was the sadist that put the “s” in “lisp”?
The longest sexual palindrome.
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa!
Come again?
You’re evil!
While we’re on the subject:
What’s the difference between an elephant fat and a saloon?
A saloon is a bar room, but an elephant fart is a BARROOOOOOM!
LOL! Your Aussie joke is an old Cajun too.
The rancher tells the feds, “I don't think you should be going into that field”
FBI guy pulls out his badge and says: “See this ? This says we can go anywhere we want without question”
FBI guys hit the field and the next thing you know, they're being chased outta the field by a bull.
The rancher screams to the FBI guys..”Show him your badges ! Show him your badges !”
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.