FReeper Funnies II - Hear Any Good Jokes Lately?

FReepers | January 1, 2004 | sweetliberty

[sweetliberty]

A couple of years ago on New Year's Day I posted a thread for FReepers to post all their good jokes and other funny stuff. It went really well, so I thought I'd try it again. It's nice to take a break from the news....or to laugh at it. It's also nice to have a lot of the good jokes in one place. Seems like the jokes on the email circuit are gettng a little stale. Let's see if we can't come up with some good stuff and spice up the email circuit, shall we?

Have fun, and Happy New Year to all my FReeper FRiends...and to the rest of you too (you know who you are)!

FReeper Funnies I

[sweetliberty]

Memo from Santa:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours,

Santa

[sweetliberty]

Ping lists y'all?

The Lone Ranger And Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says,

"Tonto, look up toward the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumb ass, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

What side of the cat has the most fur????

[sweetliberty]

The outside!

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

Darn, you know this one.

This one usually get numerous votes for different sides -top, bottom, right, left, back, front. It's priceless to see the look on their face when you give them the answer. I was going to let everyone guess then post the answer later.

[MeekOneGOP]

LOL !!

So things I found a while back ...

[MeekOneGOP]

The capture of Saddam Hussein is a Bush Lie.
Saddam is safe and warm in Ted Kennedy's
bungalow in Massachussetts !!

[MeekOneGOP]

My typing has gone to heck here lately. s/b soME ...

[eddie willers]

Two cannibals are dining on a clown.
One looks at the other and says, "This taste funny to you?".

[sweetliberty]

That first one I've been posting for a long time. Never seen the second one. LOL! There are so many funny things that turn up on FR. Remember this one? Darn, why didn't I think of this one the other night?

.

. Happy New Year Meekie!

[MeekOneGOP]

Happy New Year to you, too !

[sweetliberty]

Ping!

Law talk!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place! Enjoy!!

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

---

[sfRummygirl]

Now really, what made you think I was going to be into a silly site like this? ;-)

[sweetliberty]

I know some of y'all got some good ones.

Aliens

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."

"Oh, no..." muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

.

*********************

.

A Dying Democrat

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".

.

*********************

.

When Santa Gets Annoyed

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a d*mn book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa

******

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, pony, and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a fag name.

Santa

*******

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging s**t may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

*******

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your ass whupped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!

Santa

******

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer f**t in my face. You want to be a suck up? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal.

Santa

******

Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year.

Love,

Joey

Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa

[explodingspleen]

Then there was the crackpot category theoretician
who thought he was a catamorphism operation.
He'd walk around the psych ward with a pair of bananas,
which he'd hold up around the other patients
and giggle maniacally.

Once he did this to the resident hypochondriac
(who was convinced he was in the final stages
of inoperable brain cancer), but it didn't seem
to bother him.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm constructing a unique arrow," said the crackpot,
"with YOU as its target!"

"So what's the big deal about that?" said the hypochondriac.
"I'm terminal."

(Of course, this joke is only funny if the
mental hospital is Cartesian Closed...)

[dansangel]

ROFL!!!! Thank you for a great chuckle this fine New Year's day (((((((sweetliberty)))))))

[msmagoo]

Three men - one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly -- were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech. Not to be undone, he decided he has to do something just as impressive. he stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The hillbilly finally said, "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax."

[sweetliberty]

More funny links:

Weekend vanity... What kind of forum poster are you?

You might be a cat-codependant if...

You, Too, May Be A Mouse Potato

The 10 Worst Quotes From The Democratic Underground For 2003

You might be a Liberal if...

You Might be a Leftist If . . .

You Might Be a Freeper If...

You Know You Are Married To A Freeper When……

[Darksheare]

Santa gets annoyed..
That's funny.

[iowamomforfreedom]

ROFL!!

These are great - thanks for the ping SL.

Happy New Year!!!