FReeper Funnies II - Hear Any Good Jokes Lately?

FReepers | January 1, 2004 | sweetliberty

[sweetliberty]

A couple of years ago on New Year's Day I posted a thread for FReepers to post all their good jokes and other funny stuff. It went really well, so I thought I'd try it again. It's nice to take a break from the news....or to laugh at it. It's also nice to have a lot of the good jokes in one place. Seems like the jokes on the email circuit are gettng a little stale. Let's see if we can't come up with some good stuff and spice up the email circuit, shall we?

Have fun, and Happy New Year to all my FReeper FRiends...and to the rest of you too (you know who you are)!

FReeper Funnies I

[sweetliberty]

Had to post this one of Val's over here....

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD}! Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

[sweetliberty]

[msmagoo]

ROFLOL!!

[chicagolady]

PREREQUISITES TO BEING A MODERN LIBERAL DEMOCRAT

1) You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by lack of funding.

2) You have to be against capital punishment, but for abortion on
demand,
in short you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

3) You have to believe that the same public school teacher who can't
teach
4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about
sex.

4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and
doctors
are overpaid.

5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans
are
more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical, documented changes in the Sun, and more affected by SUVs.

7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay
is
natural.

8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and
governments
create prosperity.

9) You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but animal
rights activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than
actually
doing something to earn it.

11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start
wars.

13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels
can't
deliver the quality that PBS does.

14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for
certain
parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand
up
for certain parts of the Constitution.

15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too
high.

16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria
Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson,
General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides aren't.

18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than
HIV.

19) You have to believe Hilary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie
O'Donnell
is not really a man.

20) You have to believe that conservatives are racists, but that black
people couldn't make it without your help.

21) You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in
charge

[chicagolady]

Did you here that the United States Post Office created a "Jesse Jackson" stamp for 2004 BUT had to "Recall" it??

Folks were confused as to which side to spit on!!!!!!

[sarasmom]

Sarcasm is my forte, and I always mess up a good joke, so I will spare everyone my efforts.
But I can relate a good practical joke played on me last night.
My neighbors handed me a scratch off LOTTO card, and claimed they forgot to give it to me on Christmas.
I tried to decline it, but finally accepted, when they agreed to accept half of the winnings, if it was a winner.
I was thrilled with our good luck when "we" won $10,000.00!
Grinning from ear to ear I was ecstatic to have won $5,000.00, and still insisted they take half.
For about two minutes, untill my neighbor took pity on me and read the back of the ticket that described how to collect the prize through losersRus.com.
WARNING-do not attempt this gag on people who value money over friendship.

[sweetliberty]

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

[T'wit]

>> 14) ... while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

The only parts the ACLU stands up for are in the Constitution of North Korea.

[T'wit]

>> [or a moon pie]

You mean a moom pah? If you don't spell it right, nobody will know what you are talking about.

[baltodog]

Q) "If seven horses were swimming upstream in an elevator, how many pounds of pancake batter would it take to paint a man-hole cover -- true or false?"

A) (Hold your hands approx 12 in apart) "Wrong, it's this color!!"

[chicagolady]

Sounds like you are still nursing a hangover.

[MeekOneGOP]

LOL !

[msmagoo]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[pa_dweller]

A blind man from out of town wanted a drink. As it happened he ended up in a lesbian bar. So he's sitting on a stool nursing his drink and asks the bartender if she wants to hear a dumb blonde joke. The bartender is not amused.

"Mister," she begins, with a tight voice, "I can see that you're blind so I'm going to give you a chance to reconsider your last statement. I am a blonde; the bouncer you walked past has a professional wrestling day job, and she's a blonde; the woman on your left is the president of a very successful company and has an IQ over 150, and she's a blonde; the woman on your right weighs 210 pounds and has a black belt in karate, and she's a blonde; and, the woman behind you recently got out of prison after 15 years for murdering her boyfriend with a steak knife and she's a blonde. Now, are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"

The blindman thinks on this for a few moments then sighs "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

[sweetliberty]

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

[Holly_P]

Girl with big juggs

[Holly_P]

[Holly_P]

[sweetliberty]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting, when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?