Posted on 10/23/2007 6:00:43 PM PDT by cradle of freedom
Does anyone know any good Hillary Clinton jokes?
Well, Hillary is a joke - for starters.
Bill Clinton!
Answer: Hillary Rodham Clinton
Yes: She is qualified to be President of the United States.
yes, but none that I can post here because of the posting guidelines...
hillary clinton is no laughing matter.
Hillary plane crashed and she died and went straight to hell.
The Devil scream in fright “Everyone stop messing around and get to work the Boss just showed up!”
Does that count?
No, I did not originate this....
Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don’t need him anymore! You’re a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one! “
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.
“You know,” she says, “I’ve heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let’s talk.”
The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, “Well I s’pose that’d be all right, m’am. What’d ya like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.
“How about Iraq?”
“Hmm,” says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, “That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first:”Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff—grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, “Sir, I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me, then,” says the cowboy with a smile. “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don’t know $hi*?”
He replies "Oh, some terrorists have captured Hillary Clinton and are threatening to douse her with gasoline and set her on fire if we don't raise a million bucks."
"So how much is everyone donating?"
"Oh, about a gallon."
****************************
Bill Clinton walks off of Air Force One carrying a puppy. One of the secret service guys says, "Nice dog sir."
Sick Willy replies, "Thanks, I got it for Hillary."
The Secret Service guy replies, "Nice trade sir."
She is a humorless shell of a person with a brainwashed brain from socialist “mentors.”
‘Nuff said. G’night!
"Close, but no cigar."
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
sw
JOKE: "A socialist, a communist, and a liar walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender replies: "Hi Hillary!"
I like the one Rush told years ago.
Rush and Hillary are in an elevator and Hillary says to Rush, “make me a woman”. Rush says, “ok” Takes off his close and says, “here wash these”.
Bill Clinton gets off the Presidential helicopter, Marine I, carrying a genuine Arkansas Razorback Hog under each arm...he bolts down the steps and stops at the bottom and turns to the Marine standing at attention... ..and asks “whaddaya think of these fine hogs..I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea”.....”fine trade, sir” responds the Marine as he salutes the Philanderer in Chief....
A U.S. Marine squad was on patrol north of Falujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and first aid was given to both men. The squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
“I yelled to him that Osama Bin Ladin is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that President Bush is a good-for-nothing, ignorant, right wing, conservative idiot. So I said that Osama dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited lesbian!” He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs. Clinton!” “And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
Chelsea!
Just the one about miniskirts being banned at the White House when she was there. I’m not tellin’ the punchline.
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"She's a whore, Trebek."
Hillary and Bill die in a tragic car crash and wind up in hell. Next to her in the lake of boiling lava is Vince Foster.
Vince looks at Hillary and says,”You know, on Earth I did a lot of bad things. But, most of them were on direct orders from you, and in fact, I know you ordered my execution, so I have to ask. Why am I up to my neck in lava, and you are only up to your ankles?”
Hillary replies,” I am standing on Bill’s shoulders.”
Yeah, One day Marine one arrives and Bill Clinton gets off the Chopper with a Razorback pig under each arm.
The Marine guard greets Bill by saying “Nice pigs Sir”
Bill replies “Thanks.. Ihhh got one for Hillary and one for Chelsey”
The Marine deadpans the reply...”Nice trade”
L0L!
They exchanged hellos and then the White House couple went on their way.
As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner."
She smirked and replied, "No! If I had stayed with him, HE would be the President of the United States TODAY!"
One sunny cold January day in 2001, an old man wearing a VFW hat approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with Hillary Clinton.”
The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is a Senator, and doesn’t reside here anymore.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with Hillary Clinton.”
The Marine again told the veteran, respectfully, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is a Senator, and doesn’t reside here anymore.” The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with Hillary Clinton.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I’ve told you already that Mrs. Clinton is a Senator, and doesn’t reside here anymore. Don’t you understand?”
The old vet answered, “Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “Sir, see you tomorrow, Sir!”
BwaahhhaaaHaaa!
Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments.
Jesse Jackson, Hilary Clinton, a Boyscout and a Priest are on a plane crossing the Atlantic. The plane starts to go down and the pilots bail out leaving only three parachutes.
Jesse Jackson says “I am the most infuential, powerful black man in America and must survive.” He takes a chute and jumps out.
Hilary Clinton says “I am the smartest woman in America and must survive.” She jumps out.
The Priest says “Son, you take the last parachute. I will but my faith in the Lord.”
The Boyscout says “relax Father, the “Smartest Woman in America” just jumped out with my knapsack.”
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 25 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years.” So they hugged and made their peace.
Then Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?” Bill answered sheepishly, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
Kenneth answered, "I have three questions: "First.....whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second.....why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third.....whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rang for recess. Senator Clinton informed the kiddies that they would continue after recess. When they resumed, she asked, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right.....question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy raised his hand; Hillary pointed him out and asked him his name. "Larry," he replied. "And what is your question?" continued the Senator.
"I have five questions," he answered, "First.....whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second.....why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third.....whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth.....why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth.....what happened to Kenneth?"
L0L!
;0)
I don’t know if this is really a joke, but it is something to ponder...
Please read carefully; answer honestly. This test has only one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer . . . somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It’s Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under . . . forever.
You have two options—you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world’s most powerful women.
So here’s the question, please give your most honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
HA!
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
The second surgeon said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman’s blonde hair and the horse’s ass.
I was able to put them together, and now she’s running for President.”
Classic!
Stop! yer killing me!
Sounds of screaming, patrons running, climbing over each other to leave.
Satan walks in. "Hey, how's the campaign going?", he says.
"Okay so far. We need to get rid of the black guy.", she says.
"Done."
*sound of crickets*
Subject: Rodham Family Tree
Eugene Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary
Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character,
was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The
only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief,
sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana
Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in
1889.”
Judy emailed Hillary Clinton @NY.Gov for comments. Hillary’s staff of
professional image adjustors cropped Remus’s picture, scanned it, enlarged
the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that’s
seen is a head shot.
The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:
“Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted
several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally
taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a
key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective
Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held
in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed... :”
Are there any budding joke writers out there who could come up with jokes about Hillary and her dubious Chinatown connetions —you know all those dishwashers and waiters giving her thousands of dollars in contributions on their minumum wage jobs? This would be very timely. Hillary’s China connection...hmmm.
Most of the jokes allude to Hillary’s nasty disposition, we need some corruption jokes as well.
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