The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[Yorlik803]

Young girls never did much for me. I like them a little worldly in thier ways and maybe just a little smarter than I.
Watching girl gymnastics is a little creepy. But,hey, what the hell. I guess it is better than your stepdad watching male body builders.

[Stimpson_J_Cat]

The 1st one with the girl and the toast is hilariously creepy! XD

I didn’t get the one asking “is it always illegal to kill a woman?” I’m assuming there’s a joke there? Guess it went over my head.

I found the spanking ad kind of sexy. ;)

[Stimpson_J_Cat]

Ads today are more disgusting and vile than they ever were. I mean, we can all cringe and chuckle at some of the over the top and slightly misogynist tendencies in some of these older ads, but I have to wonder about some people on here who are so shocked and horrified and are criticizing anyone who could find these ads funny... Do these people think today’s ads are perfectly fine? Do they really think we have advanced as a society???
Yes, there is a great deal of social engineering going on in ads today: sexualizing children, fetishizing minority women, trying to push interracial dating and homosexuality. The agenda behind these ads is so horrific and yet, no one seems to bat an eye at it.

[Lexinom]

That little girl is the spittin’ image of my daughter.

[SkyPilot]

This one is just plain distrubing.

[SkyPilot]

[SkyPilot]

[Shelayne]

OK, that one wins the prize for me. Deeply disturbing!

[VictoryGal]

Yikes! Where The H*** did THAT come from?

Epic thread, by the way.

[wardaddy]

we can all cringe and chuckle at some of the over the top and slightly misogynist

not me

[wardaddy]

ads are supposed to be about selling products

you will have a hard time convincing me these ads are not designed by like minded Genx and Y urbanites and social engineers

[wardaddy]

true dat (been out of town..)

[wardaddy]

I believe Riggens was on the floor at the time as well.

[timm22]

Yes, there is a great deal of social engineering going on in ads today: sexualizing children, fetishizing minority women, trying to push interracial dating and homosexuality. The agenda behind these ads is so horrific and yet, no one seems to bat an eye at it.

Did you really intend to include interracial dating as an aspect of the "horrific" advertising agenda? I fail to see what is so horrific about two people of different races dating each other.

[wardaddy]

http://www.loweringthebar.net/2005/week26/index.html

[x]

Anything with this guy in it:

[wardaddy]

nearly every ad pushes interracial dating even though very few folks live as such and the kind most often pushed is white girl/black guy....occasionally they toss the cracker male an Oriental gal if he's not stupidly portrayed

sure it's the business of those who want to engage as such but at least 95% don't and down here it ain't about dating...it's more often than not about fat white girls having serial illegitimate mixed race babies...nothing abou dating, love or marriage, now that might not rise to horrific but it sure is problematic

these kids doing these ads and reality shows too for that matter race bait with the best of them because it suits their own agenda, they push the homosexual and green agendas with the same vigor

just like white guys are always dumb and clumsy and black guy cool like Billy Dee Williams with less meat on his bones

some of us...maybe not you. are tired of having it shoved down our throats ad nauseum

almost all white guys in advertisement look like first class pussies except those Jewish Cavemen but they can't get a break either can they?

[timm22]

ads are supposed to be about selling products.

Of course. But ads don't work if consumers don't notice them and remember them. If Joe Consumer is standing in the soap isle at the store, browsing 30 varieties of essentially the same product, he may just end up picking the only name he recognizes. And I imagine that's why a lot of ads use bizarre humor, jingles, sexual imagery, trick photography, etc. These are just ways to make mediocre products stand out above the rest in the consumer's mind.

And depicting interracial couples is a great way to catch people's attention. Like I said before, it's noticeable because it is so rare in real life. It also excites a lot of people for some reason. It's just another way of making the product stand out amongst its competitors.

you will have a hard time convincing me these ads are not designed by like minded Genx and Y urbanites and social engineers

I guess it could be a social engineering project. Even if I knew the individuals behind these ads I still wouldn't be able to look into their minds and understand exactly why they choose to show interracial couples in commercials. There's no way to be sure.

But I do think there is another equally plausible explanation for the prevalence of interracial couples in ads- because it makes the ads more effective.

But even if it is part of a social engineering plot by Gen Y advertisers...why be concerned about it? It seems like a pretty benign plot. I see nothing wrong with the idea of more interracial couples in this country.

[wardaddy]

I see nothing wrong with the idea of more interracial couples in this country.

Obviously you rather like it but that's not the point. Since less than 5% of all marriages are interracial here and that take into account White-Asian as well it would appear that what you prefer is in a distinct minority of how folks actually choose

so why ram it down our throats non stop if there is not some other agenda?

ad agencies much like the media are heavy with minorities and homosexuals and how they market ads reflects that, I don't have much in common with them.

as for interracial coupling...hmm...there are so few black women that share my values that would be a tall order...I know two here I think and one's already taken

asian women..oriental...not Indian...yeah that's doable...pretty and feminine....traditional I like that..like Southern gals...like my wife

most white women-black guys I see down here ain't a pretty inspiring arrangement...note I said most..and when we see an exception we notice it

I just don't have much in common with most blacks today....maybe 40 years ago but now...nope. I can't do much about that can I?...that is sorta up to them

[timm22]

...sure it's the business of those who want to engage as such but at least 95% don't and down here it ain't about dating...it's more often than not about fat white girls having serial illegitimate mixed race babies...nothing abou dating, love or marriage, now that might not rise to horrific but it sure is problematic...

I haven't seen any commercials that show loveless, irresponsible mixed race couples. It's almost always two smiling, preppy-looking people buying a house, bathing their kids, opening a checking account, etc. Really the only thing remarkable about them is that they happen to be from different races. We should wish all couples were as placid and well-adjusted as the mixed race couples in tv ads.

Besides, even without the ads, I'm sure insecure and irresponsible women and men would still find each other and manage to ruin each others' lives. Their problems go much deeper than just being turned on by a Gap advertisement.

...just like white guys are always dumb and clumsy and black guy cool like Billy Dee Williams with less meat on his bones some of us...maybe not you. are tired of having it shoved down our throats ad nauseum...

I've also noticed the way white men are usually portrayed as the goof-up in commercials. It bothers me too. But that's because those commercials are putting down an innocent group of people. There's nothing wrong with being a white man so white men shouldn't be routinely portrayed as stupid and incompetent.

The interracial dating ads are different. No one is being put down, it just shows two people in a happy relationship. Unusual, maybe, but no more so than the commercials where some guy is "lounging" around his house wearing pressed slacks, a dress shirt, and loafers. I hardly ever see that in real life either but I've never taken offense to it.