What Do Deodorant And Voting Have In Common?
That silly audience thought he was singing to them...
Think Obama Is Incompetent?
There's An App For That...
Posted on 01/27/2012 4:52:38 AM PST by Lucky9teen
That silly audience thought he was singing to them...
Ha! She’s scared of James Carville.
Closed... Beat it!
I think that might be a little too much immersion for me. It actually isn’t the ill-fated Costa Concordia that’s pictured on the front of the brochure. It’s sister ship Costa Fascinosa. But inside I’m encouraged to book a seven-night western Mediterranean cruise on the Costa Concordia between Feb. 25 and Oct. 29. Prices start at $749 and I’m eligible to enjoy a $50 onboard credit. I think I might spend that on an aqualung. “When you choose Costa cruises,” the brochure explains, “you don’t just see Europe — you live it.” I called American Express and a representative explained that it takes between six and eight weeks from when a brochure is put into creative to when it reaches mailboxes, making it too late to pull the mailing. “Obviously that offer is not valid,” she said. The cruise does sound nice, though. Passengers can relax in the dazzling casino, savor a gourmet spa menu, indulge in a Turkish steam bath or “just linger on a spacious teak sun deck and savor la dolce vita.” Don’t linger too long, though. The lifeboats are waiting. 
The inside of the brochure. (John Kelly) 
The stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia.
Nice start, thanks
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home
but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replied the guy.
“Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,” said the agent.
“But I can prove I’m an American!” he exclaimed. “I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush
on the other.”
“This I gotta see,” replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
“By golly, you’re right!” exclaimed the agent. “Have a safe trip back to
Chicago.”
Thanks!” he said. “But how did you know I was from Chicago?”
The agent replied, “I recognized Obama in the middle.”
Vocabulary Word for the Day
“LIQUIDITY”
Definition:
“LIQUIDITY” is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your
pants!
The IRS sent my tax return back because in response to the
instruction,
“List all dependents”, I replied:
12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this is NOT an acceptable answer.
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells
the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled
from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and
tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he’s
finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had
in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed
that little ball. The barber replied: “Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does”.
THE JEWISH GRANDMA
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
“What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?”
_______________________________________________
Wise Italian Grandpa
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. “
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Alabama.”
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you...”
It’s just dawned on me....
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical
needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much
larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep..
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever..
All of his costs are picked up by
others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick
........
Oh My Gosh! I think my
dog is a member of Congress!
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely NOT! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Occupy Bethlehem
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