“I been to three county fairs and two goat ropins and I ain’t never seed nothing like that.”
“Dull as a hoe”
“so skinny she’d have to jump around in the shower to get wet” Ozarks.
“Shit fire and save matches.” Texas
When I lived in Texas I heard an old timer say “as clear as rat droppings in a sugar bowl”.
Western Colorado
It is hotter out than 2 mice going at it in a wool sock.
“That boy’s so dumb he thought asphalt was a rectal problem.” more from the Ozarks
That's about as useful as hen shit on a pump handle.
Ping for your collective humorous wisdom.
Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if directions were on the heel.
You could’nt find your ass with a search warrant.
Tighter then dicks hat band.
Busier then a one armed paper hanger.
His picnic basket is a sandwich short.
So ugly they had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.
"he's like a ______ in jail, he ain't goin' nowhere"
someone who isn't moving fast enough:
"Damn boy, yer moving slower than pond water" or, alternatively:
"damn son, yer moving slower than a ___________ looking for a job"
someone moving very quickly:
He's moving like a ________ chasing free cheese.
something that doesn't make any sense:
that's as wrong as two boys f***ing.
They didn’t hit her with an ugly stick they fell the whole tree on her.
My family did not use many of these phrases. They came from my husband’s family—Southern Ohio, Southern Indiana...
Close, but no cigar.
He’s a few bricks shy of a load.
Her elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Crooked-er than a dog’s hind leg.
Go pi$$ up a rope.
From another thread: “San Fran Nan is crazier than a rabid bat.” From a Wa. State FReep.
Not Midwest, but it works.
From central Pennsylvania grand parents
(meaning stupid)dumb as a post
(referring to a woman meaning she was angry)mad as wet hen
mountains of NC
(meaning sad)
lower than a blue snake in a cold bucket in January.
(meaning crazy) cock eyed.
From a long-ago male friend:
Wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.
I always thought that was pretty funny.
“Dumb as a box of hammers”
From my 100 year old grandmother “that (event- happening- person” is as queer as a potato tree”