Posted on 11/02/2012 5:46:36 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
"After the last debate, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances." -David Letterman
"Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states." -Jay Leno
"Don't ask, don't tell" is back. Not for gays in the military — it's President Obama's new policy for questions about Libya." ~ Jay Leno
"Republicans are accusing the White House of successfully engineering a massive cover-up of the Libyan attack. But, on the plus side, it's the first time in four years Republicans have given credit to Obama for doing anything successfully." ~ Jay Leno
"President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs." -Jay Leno
"Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama." -Jay Leno
"The New York City Marathon is still on for Sunday. Typically the New York City Marathon is won by a guy from Kenya. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm thinking about next week's election." -David Letterman
"I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn't ring the bell, didn't knock on the door. I said, "Who are you supposed to be?" He said, "I'm an undecided voter.'" -Jay Leno
"Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called 'Understanding Obama' - while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called 'Understanding Biden.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Barack Obama's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Democrat who has never heard of bumper stickers." -Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney picked 'Javelin' as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose 'Petris' because that's his grandfather's name. Barack Obama chose 'Gas prices are not my fault.'" -Jay Leno
"Did you see the story about the mother duck and her ducklings helped through a a fence at the White House property? The Secret Service pushed the little ducks through the fence. Of course, the Secret Service checked to make sure the ducks had donated enough money to President Obama's re-election campaign." -Jay Leno
"Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry - strategic oil reserves." -Jay Leno
"President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace 'hope and change.' He's thinking of going with 'I am not Mitt Romney.'" -Craig Ferguson
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They should rename Sandy to A-Rod, then it wouldn't hit anything.
They should rename Sandy to the Jets, then it would never touchdown.
Nothing like Hurricane Sandy to make me realize what's really important in life, internet access.
What do Snooki and Hurricane Sandy have in common? They will blow the entire east coast to get on TV.
Sandy's first victim in NY city is the crane that holds up Rex Ryan's pants.
Olive Garden Poorly Timed Ad: Go out tonight, be social.
I believe Hurricane Sandy and all hurricanes should have access to contraception. - Barack Obama
Romney has a binder full of hurricane names.
Did someone say Sandy was blowing people? - Bill Clinton
About to watch The Day After Tomorrow, that should take my mind off the hurricane.
Hurricane Sandy, proof that Gangnam style is an Indian Rain Dance.
How's the name Hurricane Sandy threatening? If you really want to scare people, call it Hurricane DickSmash.
Obama claims Hurricane Sandy is the result of a spontaneous butterfly.
New waterfront property. Conveniently located in West Virgina.
If you lose power, don't think of it as being caught in a blackout, think of it as temporarily falling to the dark side.
NJ weather alert. In the event of an emergency, find Chris Christie and hold on.
If Sandy were hitting Europe, we'd be starting to plan a summit to set the legislative basis to design a framework for buying a lifeboat.
Hurricane Sandy, because God is tired of political ads too.
I'm sorry for my terrible Hurricane Sandy jokes, I know they blow.
Q. If Obama is reelected President, how will he ensure that men and women have equal earnings?
A. Unemployment.
The Obama campaign was handing out "Obama vs Outsourcing" bumper-stickers. They were made in China.
When Ronald Reagan left office in 1989 it was the end of an era. When Obama leaves office in 2013 it will be the end of an error.
Obama is working on a new plan after his fiasco in Libya. He's going to rent a U-Haul.
Obama ended the War on Terror. He surrendered.
To err is human, to blame it all on Bush is Obama.
That's funny right there.
Who is Thomas Jeffer?
Thomas Jefferson....but the son wouldn’t fit in my tagline
Oh, duh.
You Know Your Broke When...
American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it!”
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don’t call you to switch anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
Sally Struthers sends you food.
McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
On Thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
At communion you go back for seconds.
You wash your toilet paper.
You have to save up to be poor.
You’re in college.
You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.
Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
You owe yourself money.
“GANGNUM STYLE”
Now I’ve got the darn tune stuck in my head again!
ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!
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