Posted on 12/14/2012 5:04:40 AM PST by Lucky9teen
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write Santa a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to Santa , USA , they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to Santa, which read:
Dear Santa: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and that &^%** Obama took $95.00 in taxes!
Mark was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Mark took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
Meanwhile, in a kitchen in Fate, Nevada, the PDB gets the motivation for his epic scene in Ghostbusters.
I had one of those implanted.
This is an oldie but goodie which, I believe, I first read here on FR a long time ago.
Texas Chili Cook Off (Humor - Warning: Rough Language)
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin’ Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor’s Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
"My week was good... yours?"
Mine was pretty OK-dookey-good. No Heisman winning Johnny Football types playing for anyone I’m rooting for.
And it ain’t like I’m gonna be able to crow about the Giants, Jets, Yankees, or Mets any time soon.
Of course, thanks to the Jets coaching staff, Tim doesn't play anymore, either. <_<
A man in a Florida Supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce..
The very young produce assistant tells him they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
Walking into the back room, the young assistant said to his manager, ‘Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’
The manager approved the deal, and the customer went on his way. Later the manager said to the assistant,’I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think quickly on their feet here. Where are you from son?
’ Green Bay, Wisconsin Sir,’ the young assistant replied.
‘Well, why did you leave Green Bay?’ the manager asked.
The produce assistant said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and football players up there.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘My wife is from Green Bay.’
‘No shit?’ replied the young assistant. ‘What position did she play?’
aaaa Hoooooo
First 78
I just wonder if Paul Manziel’s (JFF’s Dad) sister is even going to bother with a Christmas newsletter this year.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.