Elton John Feuding over Marriage Rumors (Vanity and Just Utter Twaddle!)

Pugbus.net ^ | Timeless 2005 | By Chip Hilton

[fight_truth_decay]

LAS VEGAS – Pop diva Elton John, never at a loss for feuds, launched a new one yesterday. Sir Elton’s target this time is The Sun, a British tabloid, which enraged the mercurial star by reporting that Sir Elton and partner David Furnish have to get married because Furnish has gotten an unnamed Canadian pop star pregnant, "and the baby needs a father." “Bullocks! Utter twaddle! Steaming horse droppings!” thundered Sir Elton by cell phone from an undisclosed jewelry store in Las Vegas. “I’ll sue those bastards for everything they’ve got. By the time I’m through with them, they’ll be living on pork scratchings.

“Sure, David and I are apart a lot, but there’s no way he would ever look to a woman, let alone some Canadian bacon, for affection. The very notion is insulting. It's unnatural.”

The Sun, nevertheless, is sticking by its story.

“Dame Elton’s just got his knickers in a twist because Camilla’s the official queen of England,” laughed The Sun’s lifestyle editor Peregrine Clive. “He’s so B-list these days he couldn’t even make Michael Jackson’s character witness brigade, and that was five hundred names strong and had fifteen dead people on it.”

Sir Elton, 58, once known for his telling music, is mostly known currently for telling people off. During the last few turbulent years he has stuck a forked tongue into Robbie Williams, Rod Stewart, George Michael, Boy George, George Clooney, Madonna, Cher, Bono, John Blair, Prince Charles, Prince, and Michael Jackson.

Says ex-manager and ex-lover John Reid, with whom Sir Elton has also feuded, “The old poufter certainly has anger management issues. He’s a serial feuder. That’s why he needs to shop so much. It’s his way of relaxing.”

Sir Elton’s intention to marry Furnish, 42, whom Sir Elton calls “my trophy husband,” was announced in The Times of London’s engagement section last weekend. According to the announcement, Sir Elton and Furnish want to be the first gay couple to marry in England after the laws recognizing homosexual civil partnerships come into effect on December 5. Sir Elton threatened to start a jihad, which he termed as "far more frightening than a feud, honey," with any couple that dares to wed before him. According to Sir Elton, the wedding would be held in Windsor, west of London, where Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall were married earlier this month.

Nevertheless Sir Elton's spokesman, Gary Furrow, with whom the diva is not presently feuding, told BBC yesterday that the nuptials may be postponed until 2006.

"A date and a venue have not been set, so it may not be until next year," said Furrow. He allowed that one of the couple's primary reasons for formalizing their union is to enjoy financial benefits such as tax breaks awarded to married couples.

In related news, a spokesman for the state of South Carolina announced that even if Sir Elton John and David Furnish marry, they may not legally occupy the same hotel room.

[fight_truth_decay]

Just twaddle where "the authors obscure the line between the real with the surreal". And if this story isn't your cup of Twining's tea , then Dan Rather Going to Naked News(AARP)" just might.

[EQAndyBuzz]

"Says ex-manager and ex-lover John Reid, with whom Sir Elton has also feuded, “The old poufter certainly has anger management issues. He’s a serial feuder. That’s why he needs to shop so much. It’s his way of relaxing.” "

Oh well, guess he won't be able to work at the U.N.

[Niteranger68]

"Pop diva Elton John...."

I lost it right there!

[RushCrush]

"Twaddle" is an interesting choice of words, considering the content of the article. ;)

[Puppage]

“Bullocks! Utter twaddle! Steaming horse droppings!” thundered Sir Elton

Hey, Elton. Do us all a favor & don't say anything unless Bernie Taupin writes it, ok?

[kaktuskid]

“Bullocks! Utter twaddle! Steaming horse droppings!”

That describes most of Madame Elton's music!

[StarCMC]

I am LMAO. I don't even know where to start!

Hey Bethy - check this out. Good for a laff.

[BigSkyFreeper]

Pop diva? WTH? OK, so the "diva" is PMS'ing that his, errm her bri....err groomsman is cheating on him...err, her.

In other news, Winnie The Pooh got his hand stuck in the honey jar and was reported to have said "Oh, bother".

[reagan_fanatic]

If the star-crossed lovers do get their knickers in a bunch, Queenie can always fall back on his Boy Scout gig...

[Syncro]

I am sorry Elton John is inflicted with the horrendous growth Utter twaddle.

I do believe it can be removed with just local anesthesia.

[Borges]

Hey, Elton. Do us all a favor & don't say anything unless Bernie Taupin writes it, ok?

Wouldn't be much of an improvement on some of the most asinine 'poetic' lyrics ever written...

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

[Rockitz]

Hey, Elton. Do us all a favor & don't say anything unless Bernie Taupin writes it, ok?

Perfect!

[scab4faa]

The very notion is insulting. It's unnatural

Excuse me? What f'ing planet are you from?

[trillabodilla]

Elton disgusts me. He is a disgusting pig.

Too bad, I used to consider him a very gifted musician.

Can't get past the disgusting pig part now.

[Abathar]

“Sure, David and I are apart a lot, but there’s no way he would ever look to a woman, let alone some Canadian bacon, for affection. The very notion is insulting. It's unnatural.”

I think some has to sit ol' Elton down and explain to him exactly what the definition of "natural" and "unnatural" is.

[fight_truth_decay]

I lost it right there!

“He’s so B-list these days he couldn’t even make Michael Jackson’s character witness brigade, and that was five hundred names strong and had fifteen dead people on it.”

That was my spot!

[tiredoflaundry]

[mountaineer]

“Bullocks! Utter twaddle! Steaming horse droppings!” thundered Sir Elton

I'm sorry, but anyone who talks like this deserves everything that comes his way.

[protest1]

“He’s so B-list these days he couldn’t even make Michael Jackson’s character witness brigade, and that was five hundred names strong and had fifteen dead people on it.”

Mine as well!! you beat me to it.

[CheneyChick]

“Dame Elton’s just got his knickers in a twist because Camilla’s the official queen of England,”

Now that's funny.