Posted on 02/27/2006 10:48:23 AM PST by presidio9
There are 2 billion children running around the planet and five new ones born every second. But don't expect any pink-and-blue congratulations from Adrianne Frost. In fact, the author and comedian would be just as happy if you took every little bugger and muzzled him — on the subway, in stores, in restaurants, churches, parks and, well, everywhere.
Treasonous? Exactly!
"You have every right not to like children who are ill-behaved," says Frost, who puts just about anyone under 3 feet tall in that category. "Just because they're children doesn't mean that it's okay for them to act the way they do. Throughout history, people have said they're a gift from God, but he doesn't have to eat dinner with them."
If it sounds like Frost isn't in the running for the Angelina Jolie mother-of-the-year award, she doesn't apologize. To the contrary, she's the author of the new book, "I Hate Other People's Kids" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $9.95) and part of a vocal minority that believes children should be not-seen and not-heard. Especially when they're sitting behind you on a plane.
"I come from a place of intense, severe hatred of kids — I have no maternal instincts whatsoever," agrees comedian Jackie Hoffman, who has made child-loathing part of her act. "It's hard to explain to others because there is such a disgusting worship of kids. One of my friends still hates me because I kicked over her kid's stroller at a birthday party — and the kid wasn't even in it."
True, child worship is as old as gold, frankincense and myrrh. But Frost argues that it reached zealot proportions when baby boomers started procreating, treating their pregnancies like the Second Coming and flashing little Baby on Board signs on their cars. Who would dare think saints could misbehave?
"People used to discipline children more," says Hoffman. "But now this revolting love of them rules the world, this tiptoeing around and asking, 'What do you want?'"
What bugs baby-bashers? Frost counts the ways: Kids who throw tantrums in the aisles of Toys "R" Us or poop in the middle of Pizza Hut; kids who think they're brighter than Beethoven or sexier than Britney; kids who insist on singing in the middle of your romantic dinner-for-two or whining in the middle of your dinner party for 20. And all the parents who think they're totally adorable in their badness.
It's not just self-proclaimed loathers who get riled. Take a walk through the Manhattan Mall on any afternoon, and there's no shortage of moms and dads, aunts and uncles willing to admit they sometimes want to pop other peoples' pests.
"My cousin has a 2-year-old whoalways asks for tea," says Anderson Young of Brooklyn. "But she doesn't really want it. She just takes the bottle and throws it out the window — and her mother just laughs."
"I used to work in day care, and the worst was the boy who went to the bathroom in the teacher's coat closet," says Katie, from the Bronx, who asked that her full name not be used. "We kept saying, 'What's that smell?' And then we found out." "Yesterday, when I went to pick up my daughter, my nephew, who's 2, said to me, 'Hey, s—,'" said a still-shocked Lisa Lee of Hollis. "I said, 'What did you say?' and he just laughed and skedaddled."
What's the solution? Though child psychologists prescribe firmness and consistency as a way to keep troublemakers from becoming tyrants, Frost has other suggestions for training not just kids but their parents, who think they need to emblazon every T-shirt and mug with their kid's likeness; who think it's hilarious when their kid sits on the cat; who think everyone wants to see the video of junior emerging from the womb.
In a word, says Frost, retaliate. Stand next to a store-screamer and scream at the top of your lungs. Trip the kid who keeps bumping into you "accidentally." Laminate your Pap smear and hang it on the fridge. Or photograph the Prada loafers you snagged at 80% off and share the snapshot with strangers.
But don't think it's enough to cleanse the soul of an unrepentant child-loather. "People with kids will say, 'You'll come around,' or 'You don't really hate kids, do you?'" says Hoffman.
"The answer is, Yes, I do."
How to deal
How do you tame the baby beast having a four-star meltdown when you're having a quiet dinner with your honey? Or the kid kicking you on the 13-hour flight to Tokyo? Or the one who left a load in his diaper while you're sniffing new perfumes at Bendel's? Some tips from the pros on how to tame them:
* Speak up, gently, but firmly: "I was at a pool years ago, and a little boy was dunking girls' faces in the water," says Alice Sterling Honig, professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. "I told him to keep his hands to himself. He said, 'Lady, you're not the boss of the pool.' I said, 'Yes, I am. Grownups know the rules to keep you safe.'"
* Divert his attention: Faced with a child who can't stop crying and whining, talk to him — about SpongeBob, about the flowers in the park, about the puppy across the street, about anything but his tantrum. Honig saysit'll distract him from the kvetching. * Massage the meltdown: Freakouts usually mean a tired, overstressed child. "Sometimes, you can say, 'Gee, it's very hard to be with grownups,'" Honig says. In a restaurant, she'll even plop her big, old winter coat on the floor and suggest the weary whiner take a nap.
* Take it outside: You know her: The girl who feels a song coming on just as you're digging into your rare tuna. "Say to her, or her parents,'Do you think the other people in the restaurant want to hear your song? Or do they want to talk to each other?'" Honig says. "If she needs to sing, maybe Daddy can take her outside."
* Mommy sharing: If she knows kids are going to be squeezing onto the sofa with her and her friends, Honig brings out a dreidel and shows the tyke how to use it. And if the child still demands to be the focus of the conversation? "I turn to her and say, 'Alice has been playing with you and reading to you, and now I need to talk to Daddy for a while.'"
* Quit kicking: It's every traveler's nightmare: The kid behind you on the train or plane who won't stop kicking or slamming his tray table. You don't have to seethe and endure it. "I complain," says Manhattan child psychologist Constance Katz. "There's also the option of calling the stewardess. But short of a parent being willing to hold their feet down for the entire flight, it's not going to be a perfect solution."
* Set limits: Maybe you can't do it with other people's kids, but you can make yours more pleasant for other people. "There are very nice, well-meaning parents who are raising very tyrannical, imperious children because they can't tolerate making the child feel frustrated," Katz says. "They resolve not to do something and then weaken in the face of protest. And the more the parent holds out, the more the kid protests." Child's lesson learned: Have a meltdown in Kmart and you will get that new Birthday Bratz. And if you just want to have some harmless fun at the little monster's expense?
* Stare: Especially when they're running wild or laughing themselves silly, author Adrianne Frost suggests perfecting the art of the glare. "Don't avert your gaze until they back away slowly, and then cheerily go back to shopping," she says.
* Warn them: Away from the parents, beckon them over and tell them you'll call Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Grandma if they don't shape up. And remember, writes Frost, "Say it with a smile."
* Join in: If the child is screaming and squirming on the floor or clanging the shopping cart, stand next to him and let it rip. Sing at the top of your lungs! Lay on the ground next and scream! Whine that you want your youth back! Says Frost, "I guarantee, they'll be so confused, they'll stop what they're doing."
Originally published on February 27, 2006
So true.
I remember her last two books, Will Somebody Please Notice Me Before I Have To Get A Day Job? and Where's My Career?
Amen.
Modern Baby Boomer parents aren't parents anymore, they want to be their kid's "friends."
I love kids, don't have any of my own, but have loved and cared for many. My conclusion is kids want discipline.
I've had kids destroy my property while their parents explain away their behavior as "Well, he is just trying to express himself."
I tell the parent that (on my property) precious doesn't express himself at my expense. And if he does, parent will pay for the damage.
Also, I discovered, many years ago, a good way to stop a temper tantrum in a store. When the kid is screaming "I WANT THAT TOY," simply drop to the ground, contort your face, and scream "I want a Mercedes, I want a new house, I want a cruise," and scream it to the top of your lungs, just like the kid.
EVERY time I've used that tactic the kid gets embarrassed, shuts up, and ends the tantrum, in fact begs me to quit and leave the toy department.
Of course, that might be because everybody is staring at me/us :)
Nice try there Sigfried. I like the attempt at psycho-babble.
I hate snakes and spiders too. They are also part of God's creation.
I just think He was having a bad day when He invented them.
As for kids, when they get past the point of being little sh**z, then I don't hate them anymore.
Its easy.
Actually, we do it because we're foodies and we love and enjoy the company of our children. My husband and I are both chefs and my mother and father love to eat. We want our children to be sophisticated eaters who know how to behave in a restaurant because this is important to all of us. My kids (6,4, and 2) sit for the entire meal and don't talk over everyone else. At the slightest hint of misbehavior we simply take them to the car. They hate this, because they want the good stuff too. Children can be taught to behave in nice restaurants it just takes determination and an ability to overlook the sneers and comments of sniveling liberals who think telling your kids no is the greatest sin possible on earth.
one night we were out in a Pizza Hut a big gaggle of kids and parents were making fools of themselves...
The parents were really children themselves.
Food throwing, profanity, spilling drinks, kids running all around...your basic nightmare.
We finally left when kids, AND ADULTS began having a fart noise contest.
That happened to me once. I'm not particularly proud of the event, but it was the only time in 20 years that I found myself in the back of a squad car. Luckily, in Texas, I was responding to a threat, so no charges were filed. I have a strong hunch that guy never threatened another parent though.
Incisive observation! Parents beget children who are destined to be like them. If the parents have no regard for other's rights, the children will have no regard for the rights of others.
My wife and I were in a store the other day and there was this little boy who kept shrieking. There was no reason for his behavior. He wasn't crying or in distress of any kind. His parents appeared to be oblivious to his behavior; not to everyone else in the store though. We finally just walked out to give our ears a rest.
In some states, it is still not illegal. Frowned upon, but not illegal.
next time he should say, "It's not illegal. If you don't hurry up and call the cops, I'm gonna call them on you for harrassment."
Oh, I see, you aren't "forcing" me to do anything.
But if I don't do as you command, you'll call me names and try to insult me, right?
I pity you.
And did your sweet "kid" cause the incident?
Be honest about it, if you kid p*ssed someone off enough to cause that commotion, maybe you deserved some jail time.
Back in the 60s and 70s my parents tried this, and it worked. Gently but firmly, they'd say things like "If you keep this up I'm going to blister your ass when we get home."
"My biggest pet peeve is parents who bring their kids to nice restaurants. I just don't get it. Why would you ruin a $100/person dinner by bringing a 2 year-old?"
I can answer that one - for my husband's birthday, he wanted to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant as a family, not just the steakhouse that the kids love. Our kids were 7 & 2. We told them they would have to behave and that this was a special treat for Daddy's birthday. It was a Tuesday night and we were seated in a back room. They were well-behaved and we had a wonderful meal.
As a side note, I would have thought nothing of walking outside with either one of them or both of them if they acted up - and they both know that.
I'm not commanding anything. I just think that, if what you say is true, you are a deficient human being. Just an observation.
Save you pity, smack your kid.
We were all kids once. Adults obviously tolerated you or you wouldn't still be here. I too want parents to use good discipline, but "adults" who hate kids remind me of kids in their 20's who hate the immaturity of 17-yr olds.
Humility is needed.
If you are referring to yourself, yes, that is the issue. You are still a boy. I think the people who "don't like kids" are ones who haven't grown up themselves.
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