How Many SEC Students Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

e-mail | 9/20/2006 | unknown

[groanup]

HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.

At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer.

At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.

At KENTUCKY : it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama .

At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".

At AUBURN : it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

PLANNING FOR THE FALL FOOTBALL SEASON

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories

NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers

NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen

NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes

NORTH: Rudy Giuliani

SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson

Getting Tickets

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campusand purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

Monday Classes After a Saturday Game

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium

NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played

NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male)

NORTH: "Nice play."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."

Commentary (Female)

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers

NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!

[Kimmers]

Since I am his mom I am not to attracted to southern woman but my neighbor is southern and she can tell you to go to hell and does it with such grace you agree to go and then take her to lunch the next day.....LOL

[EricT.]

There are some UTnuts in my neighborhood that for every UT game paint the front lawn orange/white checkerboard, put up the giant orange UT canopy over the driveway, put on an orange UT full truck hood cover, take down old Glory and replace her with the UT flag, take out the orange UT lawn furniture, set up 7 TV's in the garage (all have the UT game on), and I even think they have a UT beer keg.

I really should take a picture of this madness some day, since most folks that have never been to the South just don't know about Southern football.

[AUJenn]

Ha! I have such a funny story about that from a few years ago. One of my best friends poured some Jack into a baggie and placed it in her "chest region" - the security guards were so busy checking out her unusually large upper-half that they just let her walk right on through. Ah, the good old days, haha -

[dfwgator]

"It was a little place called 'FU'"

[panthermom]

My family and I live for SEC football, the tailgate parties in the RV, we have the flags hanging from our house, the magnets on the cars, and yes when we have our DAWG parties where everything is black and red. I have more Georgia clothing than anything else. OMG.....I AM SO HAPPY IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!

HOW 'BOUT THEM DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RiVer19]

Hilarious! Sent to all my SEC fans.

[BelegStrongbow]

Well, ya'll have a real good time with VT and BC, then, okay?

[jch10]

Ain't that the truth!!

War Eagle!!

[absolootezer0]

also RIP Muddy Waters

[MikefromOhio]

LOL

This obviously came from someone who hasn't been to Ohio in Football season...

Or Pennsylvania or Michigan for that matter....

[peacethroughstrength]

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!

[thackney]

Stadium Size

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people

Michigan - 107,501

Ohio Stadium - 101,568

Beaver Stadium (Penn State) - 107,282

[Labyrinthos]

You forgot one about one of the big differences between northern and southern college football: At most schools in the north, a significant majority of football players graduate with a real college degree within six years with a major that is actually useful in landing a job when their football careers are over. In the south, most football players get into college with SAT/ACT scores that are barely above random guessing, few graduate with a degree within their lifetimes, and those who do graduate have useless majors like "communications" even though they can't speak or write a complete sentence using anything that resembles standard English.

[ABG(anybody but Gore)]

We resorted to more "drastic" measures when the school went on some Carrie Nation prohibition kick back in the late 80's and security started checking the girl's purses. After that, hidden flask holsters sold out pretty quick, and socks and clean underwear became de rigeur for all games after that, at least in my frat, though I wonder about a couple of others... ;^)

[JamesWilson]

Penn State's in the South???

[Wyatt's Torch]

Last time VT played an SEC school they lost (Auburn 16-13 in the 2004 Sugar Bowl) and the last time BC played an SEC school they lost (UGA 20-16 2001 Music City Bowl).

[ABG(anybody but Gore)]

Get a picture and send it to Blue Collar TV's 'Redneck Yard of the Week'. Or just get a shot and post it here, because that is something I've gotta see!

[groanup]

You're right, I forgot. In the North they graduate with degrees of such brilliance as gender "studies". LOL.

[EmilyGeiger]

Very funny. Thanks for the thread. :) WAR EAGLE

[Izzy Dunne]

a nice little all-male college in Indiana... where 1 of 8 students play on the football team.

A college with only 8 students?

How do you have a team with only one player? (Real busy, I know).