Skip to comments.ACHMED'S MAILBOX Advice for the Islamically Challenged
Posted on 09/01/2002 8:23:02 AM PDT by genefromjersey
Editors' Note : Our original Correspondent,Mullah Achmed, whose advice column, "ACHMED SEZ ", was followed daily by millions of the Faithful, was transported-quite suddenly- into Paradise, when the ( Ptoo ! ) Infidel Crusaders dropped one of their (Satanic) "Smart Bombs" into the Mullah's blessed vicinity-( Death to the Infidel Dogs ! )
We,the (Holy !) Mullah's devoted servants,have decided,(Allah willing )to try to respond to some of the Mullah's still-unanswered mail,so that his blessed Legacy may continue.
Sheik X of Oman writes : Dearly beloved of Allah: My sons,who are in their early teens, have begun to pester about going into town with me, on those occasions when it is my sacred duty to inspect the "fleshpots" for signs of corruption and immorality. This would be a grave inconvenience, and I am considering having them beheaded for their impertinence. Have you ( O Beloved of Allah ! ) any advice ??
Dear Sheik X:
It is written in the Sharias thusly:
The Prophet ( May his name be praised ! )
Says: "Treat your young sons gently-
Should they wish to go to town,
Let them trot behind your Bentley. "
Should you have problems you wish to discuss, we shall consult the ( Belovedly Remembered ) Mullah's Notes for appropriate Sharias.
The Prophet ( May his Name be Praised ! ),
Would scream, and rant, and roar
To hear that you have thirteen wives:
A man can have but four !!
So send eleven of those sluts
Some " AK - Valentines"-
If four wives ain't enough for you
Just take come Concubines !!
I am attracted to another female to the point of distraction. Just last night, I heard her outside my tent and I nearly detonated my bomb project prematurely. I am a wreck these days. I cannot concentrate on murdering innocent children, my mind strays from my work. I haven't stoned an infidel in weeks, and even my wives are starting to get suspicious, since I don't beat them nearly as often as I used to.
If my sweetie's owner finds out, I am ruined. He's already made plans to breed her.
Should I give up this fantasy and find a human female?
Signed, Abdullah, the Lonely Bedouin
The Prophet ( May his Name be Praised ! )
Pronounceth this by rote:
"Pray to Great Allah for strength -
Avoid thy Neighbor's goat ! "
We've searched our late Great Mullah's files
To find a proper verse :
One was pretty awful-
Another even worse !
Alas ! We've read some dreadful tales
No layman's eye should see
Of the dreaded American Woman
( May she stay away from me ! )
Fully half of our Sharia book
Is filled with arcane lore
Pertaining to an evil Jinn
They call the Winnipeg Whore !
O Faithful One, we must advise :
Familiar pastures roam !
A wife whose face is frightening
Is a wife who'll stay at home.
I am at the end of my wit. I live in the
United Satanic States and have yearned
mightily to return to the land of Allah, His
Loins be Sprung, but have been waiting
to sell my Yurt King franchise.
Anyway, my problem is this. My wife,
Satrap, is from Pakistan. Her family has
much money in her home country and
high social status there, which is what
enabled her to come to America (ptui!)
in the first place. Mullah, this woman
refuses to clean the toilets, wash my
clothes, cook my meals and clean my
house. She says she had servants to
do this at home, and she refuses to
lower herself to such indignity
just because she is in another country.
I do not know what to do, Mullah.
Should I bash her to death with
a three-iron or a mashy?
" However- in Satanic lands
One must, at times stay quiet:
And put up with a willful wife
Or N.O.W. will start a riot ! "
" Once you sell your Yurt franchise
To some stupid Investor ,
Send the money straight to us -
And then you can molest her !
We spoke with Mullah's eldest son
Who is wise beyond his years
And ask-ed him: " What is the scoop
On Satanic Brittney Spears ?"
" She's nothing but a Barbie Doll,"
The Mullah's Son replied;
" Her breasts are filled with Silicone ,
That sloshes 'round inside !"
" Is she a Virgin ? Maybe so:
But she must be whacko:
Who did not see her holding hands
With Pedarastic Jacko ?"
I am saddened by the reaction of the American people who live near my mosque. These foul disbelievers, this stinking swinelike infidels who, Allah grant it, will be crawling in the dust and begging for forgiveness from the almighty warriors of Islam as they trample the effete, zionist-loving worms into the dust of time...for some reason they don't seem to like us. What to do?
Bill bin Drill
The Prophet ( Bless his Name ! ) hath said:
" To cope with Khaffirs better
Express concern with thoughtful words-
(Add anthrax to your letter ! )"
Woman, you are lost in sin !
Go do your bounden duty :
Strap many bombs around your waist -
Explode your worthless bootie !
The Prophet says : and here I quote :
" To keep your tent all cozy ,
A woman should be strongly built,
And look a bit like Rosie.
A bit of surplus fat's okay,
Or a moustache like a Ghurkha-
As long as it's securely wrapped
Inside a long black burqha."
"She should be strong enough to stand
Administered with camel whip
Should she fail white glove inspection."
Now that you have learned what makes
A proper Muslim wife
It's time to place you on the path
To happy married life !
We have searched within the Archives
For Mullah's old Black Book
Which lists so many places
A "yearning " man may look !
Come visit New Brunswick
New Jersey in the Fall
In a place named DOUGLASS COLLEGE
Are the worthiest of all !!
The women here are sturdy
And athletically inclined ;
A Pro-Islamic Faculty
Has "prepped" each youthful mind.
Few are of the "working class"-
Rich parents are the norm ;
They'll think you look " exotic "
As you strut outside their dorm !
A bold and forceful courtship
Will see you quickly wed:
Just make her wear a burqha
When you're alone in bed !!!
Only in Amerika ( Yea and Verily ! )
Land of Satanic opp-or-tunity ( o, yea ! )
Can a poor Jihadist get a visa fast
And strike out with impunity !
Only in Amerika ( Strike with all you might and main ! )
Where Unbelievers wander free ( Wonderous targets here !)
Can you wed a truly ugly Douglass girl (My, yes ! )
And teach her all that she can be...
It is ( Alas ! ) with great regret
I send this tale of woe:
A packet sent to Achmed's Mail
Dealt us a cru-el blow !
I still have here the wrapper
Addressed in cursive hand :
To: MULLAH ACHMED'S FOLLOWERS
From: The Female Taliban .
O, when I brought the packet in
They were happy as could be:
Singing: ONLY IN AMERIKA
And laughing: " Tee-hee-hee ! "
They greeted me as usual:
One of them did roar:
"Get thy filthy butt outside !"
And kicked me out the door.
As I stumbled cross the yard
There came a dreadful sound :
A hot and fearsome shockwave
That tossed me round and round !
When all the dust was settled
I stood there quite alone !
I must return your letters, stamped:
ADDRESSEE WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN !
I have discovered that I am exhibiting Christian tendencies. I am thinking about 'coming out' to my parents this ramadahn. Is this a good idea?
I don't know if this helps but they will be celebrating ramadahn at the Ramadainn.
The infidel women at the strip bar I frequent
have begun to laugh at me when I demand that they dance
the dance of harlots on my table for free.
Is it okay to pay these filthy naked ladies of the night
for something I already deserve?
Neeba Wash Hemselv
You have already won 20 million dollars
if your name has been pre-selected
in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!!!
My (our) husband is tired of Hummus and Falafel night after night! The thirteen of us have put our heads - er - veils together and cannot find new and enticing dishes for chick peas! Can you help me (us)? Our beloved Master will have me (us) stoned to death if I (we) do not come up with something new!
Fatima Abdul al-Azziz al-Sheik Fazwad (Wife #5)
I, the lowly Porter, was the sole survivor of a vicious bomb attack by a group of Infidel Satanic Jinn, who call themselves the Female Taliban ( or some such ), and whose presence is much to be dreaded !
I have to keep moving from tent to tent, lest they discover me, and for this reason , and the potential of inadvertent "hogging" (Forgive my intemperate phraseology , Oh Prophet ! ) of some ( doubtless Satanic ) phenomenon of the Jinn called " Bandwith ", I must limit my (incredibly uninformed ) replies. ( Please convey this to all. )
"Coming Out" on Ramadan
is apt to be unwise
Fasting Faithful might just poke
Sharp objects in your eyes !
Though I am but a lowly scut
One thing seems rather clear :
Dancing women can be bought,
But the price is often dear !
They think they're Entertainers
With "booty" made of gold
But half of them are "druggies",
And the rest are worn and old !
Treat them all like ladies grand :
Let each wench think she's a star;
That way, they'll all die happy
When you detonate the bar !!!
And Apple Pan Dowdy
Makes your eyes light up
And your tummy say :"Howdy !"
(Shoo-Fly Pie - the lyric continues ;
I never get enough of that wonderful stuff !)
Ladies, use your big brown eyes
I'm sure you"ll find six cups of flies !
Pour them in the Apple Pan
Or an empty ration can.
Stir them with a donkey pizzle
Heat it up, and make it sizzle
Add sour milk ( just let it drizzle )
Round and round the cauldron go
In some poisoned entrails throw
For seasoning, a cup of ticks.
(Serves six. )
I am like a maggot that crawls through camel dung. I don't deserve to be alive before i met you I was totally lost. There has been a terrible sand storm that has destroyed my pictures of my perilous journey. I will try for the last time to post this picture of your humble servant (me al-Achmed) leaving the homeland for evil satinic America. All praise to Allah and to the all knowing Mullah Achmed.
Do not concern yourself with the drug addictions of the exotic dancers of America for they support the Afghanistan herion trade. The money you so wickedly spend on their suggestive gyrations does get put to good use in the muslim homeland.
Would you eat them
in a box?
Would you eat them
with some lox?
Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Eat them! Eat them!
Here they are.
You may like them.
See what your missin'.
You could share them
with a Christian!
Not satisfied with his own 13 wives and assorted concubines, plus the camels in the back garden, I caught my neighbour being most wanton with my pet goat Shakira.
So my question to you, almighty and most noble purveyor of Allah's wisdom, is what body parts should I smite from him, or should I just steal his concubine collection and move to Jersey City?
Faisal ibn Saud Al Hejaz Goldsmith
I would not eat them in a car
I would not scoop them from a jar
I would not eat them with hareem
Or falafel with sour cream.
The ham is not halal you see
The Prophet would enrag-ed be
( Bless his Name and History ! )
The Prophet ( What a mensch ! ) hath writ:
"Shouldst someone tup thy favored goat
Thou mayest fling him in the moat
For crocodiles and such to gnaw .
Be resolute ! That is the Law !
I have retreived my goat but would like to know if it is halal to milk this goat?
Should I stone her to death? If I do kill the goat, can I eat the meat or is that not halal?
Oh wa ta gu siam.
Since Sidney's patronym is Mosher
It's far more likely to be Kosher-
It thus would fail Halal inspection
Because of suspect gene injection.
Master, and most wise Mullah, my predicament is but the following. I have been invited to my neighbors cave to witness the September 11 ceremonies on that most evil of Jewish inventions, the big screen television.
I am pondering, and I am most certain of your proper direction, may I bring my ceremonial bongo drums to witness the destruction of the infidel's twin towers?
"One question that still remains is whether slavery still legally prevails anywhere in the Islamic world and whether it can be successfully implemented in this age. "
"Firstly, the prisoners have to be captured in 'Jihaad' in the true sense of the word. Then again, If true 'Jihaad' did break out somewhere, there are still a number of other laws and conditions to abide by which are far too stringent for any Islamic country in the world to abide by in this time and age when people's personal gains and whims and desire are being given preference to over Islamic Law. According to Islamic Law, captive female prisoners are also part and parcel of the booty. One fifth of the booty has to be first distributed to the needy, orphans, etc. The remaining four-fifths should then be distributed among the soldiers who participated in the war. The distribution can only take effect after the booty is brought into Islamic territory. The Ameerul-Mu'mineen (Head of the Islamic State) remains the guardian of the female prisoners until he allocates them to the soldiers. Only after a soldier has been allotted a slave girl, and made the owner of her, will she become his lawful possession. After she spends a period called 'Istibraa', which is the elapse of one menstrual period, It becomes permissible for her owner to have relations with her. After possession of the slave too there are a number of other laws that affect the master and slave. There is hardly any Islamic country today that can abide to all these conditions, with the result that it is quite difficult to implement slavery in this time and age. "
Apart from the issue of illegally descrambling the signals, the contents of the vast majority of TV programs and channels, if not completely Haraam to view, are certainly dubious.