Posted on 09/01/2002 8:23:02 AM PDT by genefromjersey
Editors' Note : Our original Correspondent,Mullah Achmed, whose advice column, "ACHMED SEZ ", was followed daily by millions of the Faithful, was transported-quite suddenly- into Paradise, when the ( Ptoo ! ) Infidel Crusaders dropped one of their (Satanic) "Smart Bombs" into the Mullah's blessed vicinity-( Death to the Infidel Dogs ! )
We,the (Holy !) Mullah's devoted servants,have decided,(Allah willing )to try to respond to some of the Mullah's still-unanswered mail,so that his blessed Legacy may continue.
Sheik X of Oman writes : Dearly beloved of Allah: My sons,who are in their early teens, have begun to pester about going into town with me, on those occasions when it is my sacred duty to inspect the "fleshpots" for signs of corruption and immorality. This would be a grave inconvenience, and I am considering having them beheaded for their impertinence. Have you ( O Beloved of Allah ! ) any advice ??
Dear Sheik X:
It is written in the Sharias thusly:
The Prophet ( May his name be praised ! )
Says: "Treat your young sons gently-
Should they wish to go to town,
Let them trot behind your Bentley. "
Should you have problems you wish to discuss, we shall consult the ( Belovedly Remembered ) Mullah's Notes for appropriate Sharias.
The Prophet ( May his Name be Praised ! ),
Would scream, and rant, and roar
To hear that you have thirteen wives:
A man can have but four !!
So send eleven of those sluts
Some " AK - Valentines"-
If four wives ain't enough for you
Just take come Concubines !!
I am attracted to another female to the point of distraction. Just last night, I heard her outside my tent and I nearly detonated my bomb project prematurely. I am a wreck these days. I cannot concentrate on murdering innocent children, my mind strays from my work. I haven't stoned an infidel in weeks, and even my wives are starting to get suspicious, since I don't beat them nearly as often as I used to.
If my sweetie's owner finds out, I am ruined. He's already made plans to breed her.
Should I give up this fantasy and find a human female?
Signed, Abdullah, the Lonely Bedouin
The Prophet ( May his Name be Praised ! )
Pronounceth this by rote:
"Pray to Great Allah for strength -
Avoid thy Neighbor's goat ! "
We've searched our late Great Mullah's files
To find a proper verse :
One was pretty awful-
Another even worse !
Alas ! We've read some dreadful tales
No layman's eye should see
Of the dreaded American Woman
( May she stay away from me ! )
Fully half of our Sharia book
Is filled with arcane lore
Pertaining to an evil Jinn
They call the Winnipeg Whore !
O Faithful One, we must advise :
Familiar pastures roam !
A wife whose face is frightening
Is a wife who'll stay at home.
I am at the end of my wit. I live in the
United Satanic States and have yearned
mightily to return to the land of Allah, His
Loins be Sprung, but have been waiting
to sell my Yurt King franchise.
Anyway, my problem is this. My wife,
Satrap, is from Pakistan. Her family has
much money in her home country and
high social status there, which is what
enabled her to come to America (ptui!)
in the first place. Mullah, this woman
refuses to clean the toilets, wash my
clothes, cook my meals and clean my
house. She says she had servants to
do this at home, and she refuses to
lower herself to such indignity
just because she is in another country.
I do not know what to do, Mullah.
Should I bash her to death with
a three-iron or a mashy?
" However- in Satanic lands
One must, at times stay quiet:
And put up with a willful wife
Or N.O.W. will start a riot ! "
" Once you sell your Yurt franchise
To some stupid Investor ,
Send the money straight to us -
And then you can molest her !
We spoke with Mullah's eldest son
Who is wise beyond his years
And ask-ed him: " What is the scoop
On Satanic Brittney Spears ?"
" She's nothing but a Barbie Doll,"
The Mullah's Son replied;
" Her breasts are filled with Silicone ,
That sloshes 'round inside !"
" Is she a Virgin ? Maybe so:
But she must be whacko:
Who did not see her holding hands
With Pedarastic Jacko ?"
I am saddened by the reaction of the American people who live near my mosque. These foul disbelievers, this stinking swinelike infidels who, Allah grant it, will be crawling in the dust and begging for forgiveness from the almighty warriors of Islam as they trample the effete, zionist-loving worms into the dust of time...for some reason they don't seem to like us. What to do?
your friend,
Bill bin Drill
The Prophet ( Bless his Name ! ) hath said:
" To cope with Khaffirs better
Express concern with thoughtful words-
(Add anthrax to your letter ! )"
Woman, you are lost in sin !
Go do your bounden duty :
Strap many bombs around your waist -
Explode your worthless bootie !
The Prophet says : and here I quote :
" To keep your tent all cozy ,
A woman should be strongly built,
And look a bit like Rosie.
A bit of surplus fat's okay,
Or a moustache like a Ghurkha-
As long as it's securely wrapped
Inside a long black burqha."
"She should be strong enough to stand
Occasional "correction"-
Administered with camel whip
Should she fail white glove inspection."
Now that you have learned what makes
A proper Muslim wife
It's time to place you on the path
To happy married life !
We have searched within the Archives
For Mullah's old Black Book
Which lists so many places
A "yearning " man may look !
Come visit New Brunswick
New Jersey in the Fall
In a place named DOUGLASS COLLEGE
Are the worthiest of all !!
The women here are sturdy
And athletically inclined ;
A Pro-Islamic Faculty
Has "prepped" each youthful mind.
Few are of the "working class"-
Rich parents are the norm ;
They'll think you look " exotic "
As you strut outside their dorm !
A bold and forceful courtship
Will see you quickly wed:
Just make her wear a burqha
When you're alone in bed !!!
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